(240):
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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(703):
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for 'comparison' reasons.
--
(850):
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
(850):
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
--
(818):
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
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(415):
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
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(816):
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the ****?!
--
(985):
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
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(303):
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
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(605):
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
--
(514):
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
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Today, I went to a party dressed as a Pinata. Drunk people tried to hit me all night. FML
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Today, I was on my way to a Haunted House. I work as a zombie there. On the 5th hour of being open, an extremely obese man walked through my 'zone'. I was the ONLY person who scared him in the whole entire Haunted House. He started to cry and punched me. FML
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Today, my daughter came up to me crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she had a fight with her imaginary boyfriend. She's 16. I raised this child. FML
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Today, at work, I was caught picking my nose, on camera, in an elevator. The security guard stopped me on my way out of the building to tell me how funny it was. FML
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Today, I texted my dad and told him I was getting married in five months. His reply: 'I gotta work that day.' FML
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Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time. While we were undressing each other, he said, 'Wow, if we have children, you're gonna have to shave, or they'll die from rug-burn as they come out!' FML
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THE END
