Mother vent!! (Long)

Hello everyone.

I just got back from vacation & I already have to vent. FH and I went to Ireland to see my family. I talked to my Mom tonight, she had nothing but negative things to say about my FH. She doesnt think that he had a good time, was bored and looked like he wanted to be anywhere but in Irleand. She went on to say that everyone one made a big deal out of getting together to meet him etc and he seemed like he could have cared less. She also said that she is very concerned for us, she basicily said that I have not made a good choice. FH was on his best behavior but I could see that there were things that annoyed my Mom about him. Very little things.

My Dad passed away very suddenly about 8 years ago, slowly my sisters and brother have moved away so I know she is lonely & as far as I can tell she does not seem to have moved past this. It was a terrible thing and you never forget but you have to make a life.

The last few times I have seen her she has been rude about Americans in general and very negative. I find her very angry and bitter. At this point I dont want to have the whole big wedding thing I just want to run away. In the 11 years I have been away from home I really have never had an argument with my Mom, now I am not talking to her. Its like she doesnt want me to get married.

I am am so upset. I wanted to get back on the boards to say I had a great time and I did until tonight. FH had to leave on business today I havent told him every thing just that my Mom upset me. He likes my Mom buts thinks she is very unhappy. I am not going to tell him either b/c he would be really upset.

I am sooooo sorry! I think your FH is right! - hopefully she will come around!

I am sorry that you are going through this

I'm so sorry to hear that. It sounds like your mom is just upset that you're far away, and maybe she feels like you marrying means you will never come home (which would prob. be true even if you didn't marry-it sounds like you've made your life here).

It also sounds like there are some cultural communication differences here. Maybe you could explain to your mom that your fiance doesn't come from as emotional or forward a family, or that he was feeling shy. Maybe not being so forward is a sign of respect in his family, or maybe he didn't feel comfortable yet. Perhaps he's not used to people acting friendly right away and wanted to not cross those social boundries and make others uncomfortable

Let her know that there are cultural differences, especially if they are from different communities or countries, and that your FH really enjoyed himself and likes your family. Perhaps she is afraid that he is saying bad things about her or your family since he didn't seem to have a good time in her mind, and this would put her mind at ease.

Also, it may upset your FH, but maybe you need his support now more than anything. If you think he can take it and will be positive support for you tell him.

Also, if you explain to your mom that this decision is made and that you're sorry if she's unhappy but you really need her love and support now, perhaps you needing her will bring her around.

I think it's the big 'I'll never see you again' My FH from the beginning of our relationship made it known that he goes home to Ireland every year. I said 'No problem I usually go every 2 years' He also asked if I'd ever move there & I said yes. (this is before he would let himself get serious)

I do know some Irish guys that married Americans & haven't been home in YEARS. And since the wife won't go it makes it hard.

Your Mother is probably upset over your Dad still especially if she lives alone. She probably feels depressed & is making any excuse not to be nice. (it happens) Give her some time.

I was PETRIFIED when I first went to meet all of John's family. It can be intimidating. Your in a different country, nobody knows you for MILES, and they are all sizing you up. I'm sure if your Mam came her it would be a different story. Your FH would be in his own element & alot more relaxed.

Give her some time she'll get over it!!

I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. You are very mature in realizing your mom's loneliness and fear of being deserted. When you have vented and let some time pass, I hope you'll resume talking to her and I'm sure you'll explain you are happey, that he is very good to you, and that's what matters most to you. He may have been ackward in a foreign country being the center of everyone's attention. It is embarrassing for some people and everyone handles such situations differently.
I agree that you should not tell him what was said. Please think down the line what it would mean for him to know he was not accepted. Mothers and daughters say things and can move on. In-laws won't. You can vent here or with your friends, but not with him on this one.
I wish you much good luck.

What LImom said.

Moms can be a pain (sorry LIMom!) but they're only like that because they want the best for you. What they have to understand though is that what THEY want for you is not necessarily what YOU want for you.
Be patient; things will get better once she gets to know your FH. He is not stealing you away from her!

I would also suggest not telling your FH, hope everything works out!

Having just gone through a hellish time with my mom not liking my FH I can sympathize. The week before FH and I got engaged mom and I got into a huge knock down drag out where she told me that she and my father would not contribute if I chose to marry my FH as they 'needed to save for my divorce fund'....fortunately FH sat down with my parents and they had a 3 hr discussion about goals, future, direction, etc. Now mom is supportive of FH and our marriage, but it was a rocky road getting there.

While I understand not wanting to share with your FH I do think he needs to know where your mom is coming from. I never told FH the 'divorce fund' comment as I know it would crush him, but I did tell him that my mom had expressed concerns about our future. Is your FH the type to tackle this head on? Would he approach your mom and have a frank discussion with her? Would she be open and willing to discuss her concerns with him and not be hostile? Maybe that is the route to take.

Honey, you are sooooo right! And that's one of the reasons I like reading what you girls have to say each day. My daughter told me about you all but she is too busy to log on. I let her know when I read something I know she'd want to hear. I like reading what her peers are thinking and feeling, and if it's about their mom, I want to hear that too.

Moms are certainly a big pain indeed, Irishgirl. We've lived quite a few years and we think we know everything. But you must remember one thing, we love our daughters with every ounce of our being. Believe me! Your mom is probably jealous that she can't be with you at this most precious time in your life and she's feeling very left out of your life. No matter what my daughter and I may say occasionally to eachother, a simple 'I'm sorry' truly wipes the slate clean. Hopefully that's true in your case also.

Sorry to be repeating myself, but you were on my mind today. Please don't think I mean you owe your mom an apology. She probably is the one who owes the apology here, but from what you said, it may never come. I think you should let your mom know in no uncertain terms that this is the man you want to spend your life with, that he is a good caring person, and you want more than anything for her to accept him. She doesn't have to love him, but she must accept that you chose him for your husband. If you are firm but loving in relaying your message, I can truly see her changing her attitude.

Sounds to me though, it's in your ballpark right now and the next step is yours. Good Luck. The best thing in life are often the hardest to attain.