My FMIL is ruining my engagement! (very,very long vent)

So my FMIL is a devout Catholic (goes to Church a few times a week and lives by the Church). My FH went to Catholic school his entire life until college (which is where we met). I am Jewish. We have been together for 7 1/2 years and religion has never been a issue to either family. We celebrate each holiday with the respective parents. FH and I personally do not believe in organized religion but do things for the parents.

Well, when we got engaged we decided that, for our parents, we would get a rabbi and a priest for the cermony. We booked Woodbury Country Club while FIL's were away on vacation for a month (they are retired!). That was 3 months ago!

I have since come to find out that FMIL went to a meeting with her priest (without us and without even telling us about it) and found out how to get a rabbi to come to the church to perform the ceremony. She is trying to plan MY wedding. Why is she meeting with a preist about MY wedding? How dare she? Then she has the nerve to ask me to do this! I told her NO! Not only is that not my wish, but it would break my parents hearts. FH had already told her to drop it, that we were doing it at WCC as a 50/50 celebration and she still tried to manipulate me into it.

She has refused to acknowledge our wedding yet. She told me that all she knows is that when she got home from vacation, my FH told her about some 'thing' that is happening next October 3. That 'thing' is my wedding.

To top it all off, it is all she thinks about and she is trying to guilt my FH. She started with him last week at a wake! She was upset that we were booking a photographer when we haven't set the ceremony in stone yet (which we have but she wont acknowledge!).

Also, she threw us a family 'e-party' last week with her brothers families and cousins and other family. Every single person there asked if we set a date yet. We set our date and booked WCC like 3 months ago. She told noone! My FH was so upset that his family had no iea what was going on. Why did she throw an 'e-party' then? She is strange. Aggggggghhhhh.

She is making our lives miserable. FH's aunt said that she is going to do this until the day of the wedding. She won't quit! I can't handle it!

Sorry for the long post but I needed to vent! Thanks for listening!

Oh no! So sorry you are going through this.

Just remember this is about you and your FH and if the two of you are ok with a ceremony at the WCC with a priest and a rabbi...that's all that matters!

You have to stand up for yourself, part of our stress was because we were trying to take on too much pleassing people, its YOUR wedding, noone elses, tell her exactly how you feel, if ya nip it in the bud now, hopefyully she'll give it a rest!!

Thanks for the advice. I am very willing to tell her exactly how I feel. I just dont want to ruin any relationship in the future. She is his mother and we want her to be a part of our lives. She is just very selfish, controlling and manipulative.

She refuses to hear anything she doesn't like. We know what we want to do and we are doing it. She is just making it very difficult and not making this an enjoyable time of our lives. It is getting to the point where I will tell her everything and that can be a bad thing (I tend to be a b**ch at times.)

This is so sad- I feel so badly for you and your situation!

Have you considered sending out a save the date soon? It may be the only way to let people know that this is the date of your wedding. And it may also show her that this is happening the way you and your finace want it- not her way. I'm sure that you don't want to make things worse but you guys need to be happy.

Have you sat down with her and talked to her about your religous issues and that you (and you r parents) don't feel comfortable getting married in a church?

Is she paying for this wedding? I could see her acting this way if she is paying for it- although that is still no excuse.

i'm so sorry you have to go through this, hang in there

We were planning on sending the save the dates after the new year since the wedding is still so far away. That will at least still gove people enough notice. I don't even think that will make her see the light. She is in total denial.

FH told her weeks ago to drop it b/c it was not going to happen and I told her last week that I would not get married in a church. I also told her that it would break my parents hearts. I think she feels she is more religious than them b/c she practices and they really don't do too much (which shouldn't matter).

My parents are paying for the bulk of the wedding. We think that FIL's will cover some of the costs but they have not said anything yet. Another control issue she has!

I'm sorry that this is happeneing to you!!!

FMIL needs to stop holding her ideas over your head!

Has FH talked to her about this in a serious way? Like, this is what we are doing - it respects both our beliefs etc. And tell her in a nice but firm way this is how it's going to be and while he really wants her to be supportive and maybe help out a bit if she wants to, that to do things behind your back is not fair. If she has ideas about things, to talk to you and him first.

If that doesn't work, then you'll just have to grin and bear it and do what you want.

Maybe she actually didn't realize when you were away that your booked the hall as part of the ceremony? Just a thought but from the way you say it it sounds like she did know. Either way her other actions - not telling relatives that you booked the place and saying 'that thing' instead of 'the wedding' is just plain rude (ps: my dad didn't tell anyone where we booked either so I was telling people at my e-party too. that may have been an oversight).

Good luck!!

I can' say anything that the other girls have not already said but I feel for you! And sending you hugs!

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I have a similar situation because my FFIL is butting into our ceremony. I was not planning on having a full mass (I am not very religious) but FFIL's brother is the priest that will be marrying us. He refuses to do so unless we have communion involved. Very long story cut short...I know can understand how you feel.

I don't know if you know this but as far as I know, a catholic priest is not allowed to perform outside the church. (Some Catholic Diocease have different rules) Maybe your FMIL knows this and this is why she is upset.

Hope everything works out for you!

I am so sorry that you have to go throught this but don't let it ruin your special day. This is about you and not them.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

OMG - here's my 2 cents.

Is she really manipulative, or just trying to help? Do not get in the middle of this and do not let her think this is anything but your wedding. IMO, she is acting very childish. I am Catholic and DH is Jewish - it was nearly impossible to get a priest to marry us at a location. If you have any Q - FM me. We had a real priest the ceremony. That aside, if this is so important to her, could you meet her halfway and use her priest at the ceremony, but I will tell you this - you will be married by the Rabbi. The priest will not marry you - he is really just a token and will just give a blessing.

She souundds like a piece of work, but now is the time to nip this in the bud.

Best of luck

Just wanted to give you . So sorry you have to go through this at what should be such an exciting time.
As the girls before said, it's you and your FH's wedding. Stand firm.

I know it may be hard and you also don't want to hurt the relationship with her for the future, but maybe you can have your FH speak with her and tell her this is what you both decided and this is what you guys want and that you hope she can support you.

Sorry you are going through this.....