Brides Helping Brides ™ - my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

prunepie Posted: Jun 03, 2006 06:58 PM

my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

i would really like to know what you would feel or do in this situation. needless to say i am so hurt and well a little angry.

i moved to li from los angeles a year and a half ago. my best or one of my best friends lives there still. i told her over a year ago the date and asked to to be in my wedding. she said she couldnt say yes or no bc it was so far away (?? ) >>>>> OOOOKAY>>>
well i have a cousin and his family flying in and also my other best friend coming from los angeles>

now i TOTALLLLLLY understand how hard and expensive it is to travel for a wedding>>>been there done that>but...

this friend doesnt have much family like myself and that is one of the reasonswe bonded and kinda chose each other as family kwim?

so about 4 or 5 months ago she started talking about going to grad school which would be around 20k.

i said i thought you were having finincial issues and that was what was making it so hard to fly in? (oh also she said she already thinks of me as married and weddings arent a big deal for her ... its a relationship that is worth celebrating regardless of a wedding)

she said well money will 'manifest' it self if it needs to.

sooooo i was then thinking hell if she could manifest that for school she could manifest coming in for the wedding.

a couple months later i finally asked again if she is coming and she said she did the totals and it would be about 1500 to take off from work and travel expenses and i said oooh no that s so much and she said yeah..but who knows.

okay so 2 weeks ago.... we were on the phone and she was saying..i miss you i wish i could come to the wedding!!

i said i didnt know it was decided??!! she said well i told you hwo much it was and you said its alot.

i said...i did but you were also thinking of going to school again( fyi she is in her 30's..not a young kid)

she said i am sorry its just too much money to spend on a few days and its too much to travel alone. but i am so happy for you!!!

oookay.

well so she isnt going to come.
i do not want to loose a friendship but i gave her a YEAR to save..... A YEAR. i would have even paid for hotel!!! i should have known by her reaction in the very beginning... but i feel she is selfish? not supportive? jealous? ( she is single and not happy about it). i really thought she would always be there and is the ONLY person oot who has declined.

i guess i feel like i dont even want to talk to her about my wedding which means i dont want ot talk to her period bc everythign is about the wedding nowadays.

i want to tell everything i feel but i KNOW that would cause an arguement about me 'not understanding her stituation and just cause i am getting married that others shouldnt have to suffer finacially!)... we did get into it a little bit a while ago.

am i brideszilla??

i mean i have fh friends' wifes flying in for my shower and they arent half as close as this girl is to me... or maybe i should say was as close.

so thanks for listening...any thoughts or advice?

xoxox

waterspout4 Posted: Jun 03, 2006 07:11 PM

Re: my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

I know exactly how you feel. I asked my BMs in November 2004. They were all from OOT. One dropped out in January 2006 and another in February 2006 for my April 1 wedding. They had nearly 18 months to save!

Everyone has their own excuses. One decided to get married a few weeks after me, when she only met the guy a few months earlier. She said she needed to save for her wedding. Another just said she couldn't afford the trip after her boyfriend broke up with her. Even though she was sharing a room with other BMs!

I was angry at first, then decided to share my happiness with those that wanted to be there, instead of dwell on those who couldn't. Good luck!

sarahradio5 Posted: Jun 03, 2006 07:25 PM

Re: my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

I can understand you're hurt and that her friendship means a lot to you. Do you think her being slightly jealous of your getting married and her being single is enough to ruin your friendship, or do you think this is truly a financial situation?

Have you made your financial offers known to her, i.e., the hotel room? Maybe you can offer to pay for the room and help with the airplane ticket, if it means that much to you? And maybe that would show her how much her being there would mean to you? That's of course, if it's doable for you. Do you have airline miles that can be transferred for her to use? You can say that you were really hurt when you realized that she made the final decision to not come out for the wedding, and you were wondering if it would help if she had some help paying for the hotel room and airline ticket (or just the hotel room). What's with the work thing? No vacation time at her job?

eta: I had a BM drop out (actually, I lost a FRIEND altogether) early on in the engagement because true colors came out... turned out she was pretty jealous that I got engaged. And the main thing we had in common with each other was... being SINGLE! If you do end up helping her financially, make sure she's a REALLY GOOD FRIEND FOR LIFE first.

Tria1110 Posted: Jun 03, 2006 07:27 PM

Re: my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

I don't blame you for being hurt. What is important to us is not as important to others. Some people have a hard time being happy for others. Instead of being mad at her just try to let it go. I wouldn't let it upset my big day. One day she will regret this...

Mandyin2007 Posted: Jun 03, 2006 07:29 PM

Re: my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

I would be hurt, but maybe she really thought she'd be able to do it. In any case I feel really bad.

prunepie Posted: Jun 03, 2006 07:36 PM

Re: my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

thanks ladies for replying.

one of the things she also said is she doesnt want to travel alone.she doesnt get time off from work bc she wors a bunch of part time jobs.

maybe i should offer to pay for a night of hotel...but my finacial situation is crazy tight too.

the thing that kills me is the other friends who when i said i totallhy understand if you cant make it..they all yelled at me and said of course i wil be there..nothing could stop me!!!

i reallllllllly feel its more of an incovience to her than financial since she started off in the beginning this way instead of the wedding coming closer and her not being able to come up with the money.

still not sure how to handle this...but i appreiciate being able to vent!!!!

xoxo jenn

cmc Posted: Jun 03, 2006 08:51 PM

Re: my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

I would be disappointed. Through this wedding planning process, it's been a learning experience because just when you think you have people figured out, these times bring out true colors. There are people I thought would be great that have truly disappointed me. I don't know what it is but people just seem to get weird.

I have the same feelings about giving someone enough time to save. I am the type of person that would save accordingly. I have a friend that I thought was the same way but instead she seems like everything in an inconvenience for her. I don't quite no what went wrong. I don't know if there may be a little jealousy about certain things, lack of satisfaction or what. She's difficult, doesn't really get along with the rest of the bridal party and now often talks about how poor she is. I'm starting to think that's her round about way of setting me up for disappointment. Well, I could go on but that's enough for now.

To be honest, if she's acting weird, I wouldn't pay for anything but you're the one that has to feel good about your decision. HTH

cnj Posted: Jun 03, 2006 09:17 PM

Re: my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

I now this sounds harsh but in my mind if she really wanted to be there she would have made it happen (she had a year..) so maybe weddings (or big affairs of any kind) are just not high on her list of priorities right now?
I can totally see how you would be hurt but maybe it's time to give her the out and say you are hurt but understand. I'm sure I would be peeved too but you don't want to feel like you are forcing people to be there...it shouldn't be that kind of day.
After all, will it really stop you from having an awesome day?? No way!
Good luck!

bride2b24 Posted: Jun 03, 2006 09:37 PM

Re: my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

JMO but if one of my best friends did not attend my wedding ......she wouldnt be one of my bf anymore.......im sure your wedding isnt a BIG DEAL.....obviously she knows shes wrong bc she brought it up so non chalantly in convo.....i wouldnt stress her at all.....she seems pretty selfish......and all joking aside money is tight for some ppl and it def costs alot to travel for a wedding but if it were one of my bf's id make it happen.....good luck

prunepie Posted: Jun 03, 2006 10:45 PM

Re: my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

hi everyone... an thanks for replying.

well i offered to pay for her plane ticket.... an through the course of the talk... she admitted that 80% of her inability to come isnt finacial or work.... its that she has panic disorder and the thought of flying and everything involved is too much for her to handle .( i have anxiety disorder..so if anyone understands ..its me!!) she was crying and telling me how wimpy she feels....

BUT ...... come on!!!!!!!! i would be there for her wedding even if you had to dope me up.

i told her to think about it and get back to me by next weekend.

honestly though..... i am soo disappointed. and sad........

xoxox jenn

waterspout4 Posted: Jun 03, 2006 11:41 PM

Re: my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

I had a feeling it was something else. You made the effort, now just relax. You did what you could.

prunepie Posted: Jun 03, 2006 11:49 PM

Re: my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

thank you !!!!!

Rebecca B Posted: Jun 04, 2006 08:23 AM

Re: my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

I had a friend of about 5 years disappoint me right after I got engaged. She was going to be a part of the wedding but when I stopped 'goin out' as much as we used (yes my fiancee and I are paying 100% for this wedding) she found it difficult to understand...at leastthat is my guess as we just stopped talking...the point is people dissapoint and what it comes down to youwill learn who your real friends are...my supposed friend was a selfish person, and I knew that about her, I just ignored it and never though she would treat me so badly. Your friend sounds like she does things to suit herself. (please don't take offense to that comment). I would let it be and what will happen will happen...if she misses your big day...a milestone in your life...then she's not as good of a friend...if she truly had financial hardships I could understand but it just sounds like she self absorbed. Good luck and try not to feel so bad...as time passes youwill realize there are more important things in life.

sarahradio5 Posted: Jun 04, 2006 09:20 AM

Re: my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

Posted by prunepie

hi everyone... an thanks for replying.

well i offered to pay for her plane ticket.... an through the course of the talk... she admitted that 80% of her inability to come isnt finacial or work.... its that she has panic disorder and the thought of flying and everything involved is too much for her to handle .( i have anxiety disorder..so if anyone understands ..its me!!) she was crying and telling me how wimpy she feels....

BUT ...... come on!!!!!!!! i would be there for her wedding even if you had to dope me up.

i told her to think about it and get back to me by next weekend.

honestly though..... i am soo disappointed. and sad........

xoxox jenn

wow... it kind of sounds like she keeps coming up with excuses. Has she ever been on a plane before? EVER? She has to have been on one! I feel so bad for you, but I bet you would be hard pressed to find a bride on here who hasn't been disappointed by a friend or friends in the course of their engagment. You really do find out who your true friends are - fortunately and unfortunately. It was VERY generous of you to offer. You did all you could - aside from become Superwoman and fly her on your back yourself. You're a good friend! If she doesn't do this, she doesn't deserve you!!

klingklang77 Posted: Jun 04, 2006 03:00 PM

Re: my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

that stinks! it does sound like she keeps making excuses. maybe she just cant justify spending all that money on what seems to her as one day.

prunepie Posted: Jun 04, 2006 07:10 PM

Re: my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

thank you very much!!!

i dont take offense at all... she isnt willing to go outside her own comfort level and well... that really stinks.

i am not hurt anymore because i realize that she is loosing out on things in her own life to due her inability to step up to the plate when it counts.

she has been on a plane before but never alone and thats what i dont think she is willing to due to her own anxiety.

i realize its not a reflection on me..but about her.

i am sooo going to enjoy my wedding day and realize some people are very 'limited'.

i just realllly appreciate being able to share my thoughts and get this allout.

thank you to everyone who responded!!!!!!!!

xox jenn

JPC1125 Posted: Jun 04, 2006 10:41 PM

Re: my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

I think in the course of planning a wedding we brides or brides to be think that the everyone wants to be a part of our big day BUT the truth is that this is a big deal only for us...everyone elses' lives continue as normal until the big event comes

I think you need to understand that even a friend who youve offered to help, might not want to come all this way just for a wedding, especially if she is working and going to school.
Sounds like her life is hectic enough not to mention panic attacks by getting on a plane.

She made the choice that is best for her and you will continue on with your wedding planning and eventually accept this as not a big deal

SuzanaS Posted: Jun 05, 2006 08:06 PM

Re: my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

I had a similar situation, but with a friend who already did accept to be in my bridal party. She had broken up with her boyfriend and moved out and back home with her parents. She got a new job making about 30 grand more than she was making before and told me the night our bm dress orders were due, that she had a lot on her plate and many unexpected expenses coming up and had the nerve to say she wouldn't be offended if i let her out of the obligation and would def. come to the wedding. Like i should expect a friend to have to reassure me of her presence at my weddding. Plus i offered to have her to the makeup of the entire bridal party and my friends bridal party, so she would have paid for the dress, and pocket an extra 300 bucks. People are selfish and its sad that there aren't many people around that you can count on. You will always have a select few friends that you can count on, but sadly many people always put themselves first. I feel for you, because i was there about 2 months ago! But its times like these when you realize who your true friends are!

CLMon7906 Posted: Jun 05, 2006 08:12 PM

Re: my friend wont be a bridesmaid...

this is how i axed 2 bridesmaids. some people just s uck. sorry. you have the bridentologists though...and i do offer up my services as a BM...i've never been one....i kind of want to know what all the hype is about. hahahaha.

it stinks now, but in time you'll grow to not care and one day, it will be a distant memory...in the 6 months since i dropped all contact from those 2 former BMs, not a single day goes by that i fret my choice.