My FSIL is driving me crazy!!

tiffandmatt Posted: Aug 08, 2005 09:18 PM

My FSIL is driving me crazy!!

I need help! My oldest sister is my MOH my other sister, 2 of my close cousins and my best friend are my BM's. I am quit close with my FSIL, but decided not to have her in the wedding party. My FH hasen't choosen any one from my family to be a GM (and that's ok with me). I want the number of GM and BM to be even. Apparently now my FSIL is making a huge fuss about not being asked to be in the wedding party. I keep hearing about how much she has been talking about me behind my back over the whole thing. Now she is putting down everything that has to do with the wedding. I have tried to talk to her and tell her that it was nothing personal at all. But she seems to no longer have any intrest in hearing anything to do with the wedding. I feeling hurt because I want her to be excited for her brothers and my wedding and understand my choice. Help, how do you deal with a very fustrating FSIL????

Goldi1021 Posted: Aug 08, 2005 09:25 PM

Re: My FSIL is driving me crazy!!

I have 2 FSILs and I asked neither one of them to be in my BP. They complained about it to my FMIL and she in turn told FH who decided to WAIT to tell me they were upset. So here I am talking wedding from time to time, not realizing they were hurt. It was too late to ask them and I surely wasn't going to ask them out of pity. I know I would refuse to be a BM if someone asked me after the fact. I also did not ask my own sisters or my SIL and his sisters STILL got upset. My sisters and SIL were relieved. You cannot please everyone. If I would have asked them all, I would have ended up with a BP of 12 people on my side alone. I think it reaches a point of insanity. Do what is best for you. If she is any kind of adult, she will get over it. My sisters and SIL don't need a goofy BM dress for them to know how much they mean to me.

BlueTulip Posted: Aug 08, 2005 09:40 PM

Re: My FSIL is driving me crazy!!

I'll probably get flamed for this BUT, I think you should ask her. I've been on both sides of this. When my brother got engaged, his fiance (who I liked but wasn't very close with at the time) asked me to be a bridesmaid. If she hadn't I would have been disappointed. Her two sisters and a cousin were in it. It wasn't really about the pouffy dress, etc. It was really the symbolism behind it as far as I was concerned (i.e. what makes your sisters anymore deserving to be in the bridal party than his). Since then, she and I have become very close-I don't know if that would have happened if she hadn't extended the olive branch (So close in fact that she is my MOH). If your fiance had several sisters, you might not ask them all but you could ask the one with whom you are closest.

Anyway, that's just my two cents. In the end it is your wedding and ultimately you can do what you are comfortable with and no one should fault you for it.

Soon2BeMrs2006 Posted: Aug 08, 2005 09:40 PM

Re: My FSIL is driving me crazy!!

i asked my fsil to be in mine, but we've grown close so i wanted her to be in it.

you have to do what makes you happy. its YOUR wedding no one elses.

Kim51103 Posted: Aug 08, 2005 09:48 PM

Re: My FSIL is driving me crazy!!

I have 2 FSIL and im having both of them in my party....plus his 2 brothers....i really didnt think anything of it.....

Soccer_Girl Posted: Aug 08, 2005 10:11 PM

.

WedHead Posted: Aug 08, 2005 10:37 PM

Re: My FSIL is driving me crazy!!

I'll get flamed with you Lenore. I think a wedding is about uniting you & your FH AND your families. I think the right thing to do is to include ILs - these people will be in your lives forever - college roommates and high school friends may not.

Goldi1021 Posted: Aug 08, 2005 10:41 PM

Re: My FSIL is driving me crazy!!

I have to laugh. My Matron of Honor is my best friend from high school - she's stuck around and we are not spring chickens.

ETA my Dad had 3 sisters and none of them were in my parents' BP.

PegaLega Posted: Aug 08, 2005 10:42 PM

Re: My FSIL is driving me crazy!!

Im not having my FSIL in my wedding party. We arent really that close so I wasnt going to cut friends of mine out. Im not in her BP though she said she was going to try to fit me in, I am fine not being in it.

I would just talk to her. If not being part of the BP is going to change her excitement for the wedding then she needs to realize that it isnt about her. Dont let it get to you, people are just different when it comes to weddings.

WedHead Posted: Aug 08, 2005 10:44 PM

Re: My FSIL is driving me crazy!!

Of course lots of friends stay close through the years, I'm just saying, things happen and your in-laws are going to be your children's aunts & uncles, etc. I didn't mean to sound like I'm judging have friends in BPs (I'm having 2 college roommates and 2 friends from HS), it JMHO that family should be included as well.

Goldi1021 Posted: Aug 08, 2005 10:53 PM

Re: My FSIL is driving me crazy!!

We have an uneven balance. I am the youngest of 4 and FH is the oldest of 3. My sisters are pushing 50 and do not wish to be bridesmaids and neither does my SIL who is my age. However, they would have done it if I asked them. One of my sisters was never married and it is hard enough knowing that some obnoxious relative will say somethng hurtful to her - they always do. So rather than make her feel uncomfortable, I chose not to have siblings at all. Instead, I chose to have the children of my other two siblings as participants. FH's sisters are 25 and 30 and I think they assumed I would ask them. FH is also a big boy. We made these choices together. If he felt that strongly about it, he could have opened his mouth and said so. I would never choose one set of siblings over another. To me, it is either all or nothing.

PegaLega Posted: Aug 08, 2005 10:55 PM

Re: My FSIL is driving me crazy!!

I just dont feel that anyone should be pressured into making someone a part of their BP if they dont want to. Unless your FH wants her in it and has communicated this to you then its another story. But, if you feel you have made the right choices then you have made the right choices.
JMHO

mbm750 Posted: Aug 08, 2005 11:17 PM

Re: My FSIL is driving me crazy!!

you really shouldn't feel pressured to make her a BM. my fsil did not ask me to be in her wedding, and i'm not asking her to be in mine. it's not like payback or anything either - i just didn't feel it would be right for us. i think there are many different ways to extend an olive branch and try to create a friendship/relationship. being a BM is not the only way - it's certainly a way, and i don't fault anyone for doing it, but you shouldn't feel bad about doing things differently either.

ETA: i hope this doesn't count as flaming - it's certainly not meant to.

tiffandmatt Posted: Aug 09, 2005 11:45 PM

Re: My FSIL is driving me crazy!!

Thanks for your advice everyone. I have lunch plans with FSIL at the end of the week, I think that I will try and talk to her about it. I just want her to know it's nothing personal, it's only the way that I wanted my wedding. I agree that there are other ways to build a relationship with the new family, and making someone a BM isn't always the start of a beautitual realtionship (although I'm sure it could be). Thanks again and I'll let you know how it goes.