My jokes for today
Man & Woman
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant & there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk w/ her.
Suddenly she sneezes & her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air & hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, ' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, ' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together & afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams & he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap & stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal w/ all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! ! !
'You know, ' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? '
'No, ' she replies. '
Wait for it.
It's coming.
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
The Man of the House
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled You Can Be the Man of Your House. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen.' From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house & my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight & when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs w/ me & we will have the kind of sex that I want.
After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back & towel me dry & bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet & hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me & comb my hair?'
The wife replied, 'The fuckin' funeral director would be my guess.'
Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken & wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did...
1ST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon w/ my husband & 3 kids in tow & asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo & a blow job?' I turned around & walked back out & never went back my husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
2ND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy w/ the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. W/out thinking, I looked at him & said, 'I think I like playing w/ men's balls.'
3RD TESTIMONY: My sister & I were at the mall & passed by a store that sold a variety of candy & nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned & I turned beet-red & walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
4TH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy & ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust & annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye & said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity & walked out of the bank w/ my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
5TH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My 3-year-old son had a lot of problems w/ potty training & I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, w/ a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my 7-month-old daughter, and she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, & he said 'No'. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident & I don't have any clothes w/ me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny, did you have an accident?' This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks & yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants & sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days & a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed & didn't, turned to the weatherman & asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Husband Support!
An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them & she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, 'I will give you 6 days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up & asked the judge if he could say something. He said, ' What is it? '
The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports & she should keep the chips & dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before & you get to find out later who you're stuck w/. -- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
23 is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM & DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun & people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies & that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a 2nd date. -- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home & play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers & make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess w/ that. -- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids w/ them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8
& the #1 Favorite is...
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10
What to do?
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on) & on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car, & you cannot over take it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
* Get your drunken *** off the merry-go-round. *
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant & there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk w/ her.
Suddenly she sneezes & her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air & hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, ' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, ' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together & afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams & he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap & stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal w/ all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! ! !
'You know, ' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? '
'No, ' she replies. '
Wait for it.
It's coming.
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
The Man of the House
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled You Can Be the Man of Your House. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen.' From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house & my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight & when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs w/ me & we will have the kind of sex that I want.
After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back & towel me dry & bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet & hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me & comb my hair?'
The wife replied, 'The fuckin' funeral director would be my guess.'
Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken & wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did...
1ST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon w/ my husband & 3 kids in tow & asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo & a blow job?' I turned around & walked back out & never went back my husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
2ND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy w/ the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. W/out thinking, I looked at him & said, 'I think I like playing w/ men's balls.'
3RD TESTIMONY: My sister & I were at the mall & passed by a store that sold a variety of candy & nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned & I turned beet-red & walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
4TH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy & ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust & annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye & said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity & walked out of the bank w/ my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
5TH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My 3-year-old son had a lot of problems w/ potty training & I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, w/ a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my 7-month-old daughter, and she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, & he said 'No'. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident & I don't have any clothes w/ me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny, did you have an accident?' This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks & yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants & sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days & a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed & didn't, turned to the weatherman & asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Husband Support!
An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them & she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, 'I will give you 6 days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up & asked the judge if he could say something. He said, ' What is it? '
The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports & she should keep the chips & dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before & you get to find out later who you're stuck w/. -- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
23 is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM & DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun & people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies & that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a 2nd date. -- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home & play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers & make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess w/ that. -- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids w/ them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8
& the #1 Favorite is...
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10
What to do?
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on) & on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car, & you cannot over take it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
* Get your drunken *** off the merry-go-round. *
