need advice

Please help, i need real advice. I hate to type this but it's real life. I'm a bride like every body else on here, planning happily and have a good relationship with my fiance. here it goes as my heart is pounding out of my shirt and I feel like I cant breathe. I found emails from my fiance's phone to casual encounter ads on craiglist. I don't know what to feel right now. I'm numb and angry and scared and I don't dare tell anyone I know about this. we are to be married very soon and I can't believe this is happening. I confronted him and he said he has no explanation, no reason for it. He said he hasnt cheated on me and would not cheat on me. But that he has no reson to give me. He doesn't know whay he emailed this person. I feel like throwing p and I'm shaking. Please help me, I need advice, FM if you dont want to post publicly. I know that a ot of men look at porn and on the internet at all these postings. My friends have actually talked about catching their husband, boyfriends, or fiance's looking tt this stuff behind their backs. But, he actually sent an e mail to this person. I don't know what to do. Like I said we are about to be married and I feel so helpless right now. if you have ever been through anything like this please share what you did or what to do.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you right now. NO ONE should have to face something so hurtful.

I think it's important to examine the context of the email - meaning, what did it say? was he soliciting this person, or did it seem more harmless (i use harmless lightly here). I think that if he was just 'looking' or if he was doing something similar to looking at porn, then you could get past it. however, if there's a chance that he was going to engage in any sort of activity with this woman, then that is a different story.

The weird thing about craigslist is that it's not like people post tons of pics, so I would be suspicious of his motives.

If it was me , I would DEMAND his email addy right now, and I would search through everything to see if I could find any answers.

I hope this helps

OMG! I feel your pain....literally.

My advice to you: This is a wake up call. He may not know why he did it now, but he will eventually figure it out. This is a big red flag that he IS NOT ready to be married.

Maybe he will be eventually, or maybe he is just getting cold feet.

But seriously....if he is emailing random strangers to 'hook up' or even chat (yeah right!) this close to your wedding. Do you really want to stick around and see what he does after?

You need to take a breather...and think that this is who you will be spending the rest of your life with (or you hope to). He has just broken your trust...where do you go from here?

I would personally take a few days away from him. I know its easier said than done. Find someone who you trust and can confide with and speak to them about it. Hearing it out loud sometimes helps figuring how bad it sounds and what your next step should be.

Don't worry about the 'what is everyone going to think if I cancel the wedding' because its just a wedding (a party). You need to put you first and worry about your 'to be'marriage and what sticking around with this man means.

I will give you the best advice I heard from a man once-
As a woman you know things...so don't ask a question you are not ready to hear the answer for...and dont ask a question you certainly know the answer to.

Think back to your relationship- there had to be signs about this...

Also, if you decide to stick with him, let it be after he earns your trust back and he needs to figure out himself why he did this, even if he never tells you.

Good luck .

First off, I am so sorry you are going through this.
No one deserves this....I just want to give you a hug :(

I don't know you but if it was me, I know I would seek out a guy's opinion, so I asked my DH... he said bottom line...do you feel that you can trust him? Go with your gut here...if you don't, then he is not the person you should be marrying...he also asked (forgive me for asking this, I know how it sounds) why you were going through his phone in the first place... meaning, it sounds as if you didn't trust him to begin with for some reason. I don't know the details of how you came to find this out...with me, the one and only time I felt compelled to go through a guy's wallet was based on a gut feeling, and it turned out I was right...I found a while bunch of girls' phone numbers in it. I dumped him shortly thereafter...I wasn't anywhere near engaged to him though so I can only imagine what you feel right now. I do know that you need to take a break from seeing or talking to him, no matter how hard that is, so that you can sort out how you feel and where you can or cannot go with this...the fact that he can't even tell you why he did it or what he is looking for, to me, is a big red flag, and I think it says that he needs time to sort out things also.

I wish you the best of luck and lots of . Please let us know how you are doing and how it turns out.

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Posted by sophisticat13

First off, I am so sorry you are going through this.
No one deserves this....I just want to give you a hug :(

I don't know you but if it was me, I know I would seek out a guy's opinion, so I asked my DH... he said bottom line...do you feel that you can trust him? Go with your gut here...if you don't, then he is not the person you should be marrying...he also asked (forgive me for asking this, I know how it sounds) why you were going through his phone in the first place... meaning, it sounds as if you didn't trust him to begin with for some reason. I don't know the details of how you came to find this out...with me, the one and only time I felt compelled to go through a guy's wallet was based on a gut feeling, and it turned out I was right...I found a while bunch of girls' phone numbers in it. I dumped him shortly thereafter...I wasn't anywhere near engaged to him though so I can only imagine what you feel right now. I do know that you need to take a break from seeing or talking to him, no matter how hard that is, so that you can sort out how you feel and where you can or cannot go with this...the fact that he can't even tell you why he did it or what he is looking for, to me, is a big red flag, and I think it says that he needs time to sort out things also.

I wish you the best of luck and lots of . Please let us know how you are doing and how it turns out.

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ITA
and I am SO SO SO sorry you are going through this

Well, first of all, I think you need to calm down a little.
And when you feel you are calm and will not let the anger or the emotion be on your way, try to talk to him.
maybe it will take hours, days, weeks.
But you HAVE to try to talk to him about it.

First you need to understand why he is doing it.
Maybe for him is something normal, or a crazy fantasy. I don't know.
And you don't know either.

I think this is a horrible situation but it's not something that can't be discussed.

Please feel better!
If you need someone to talk, to put it out I'm here!!!

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Posted by kat124

OMG! I feel your pain....literally.

My advice to you: This is a wake up call. He may not know why he did it now, but he will eventually figure it out. This is a big red flag that he IS NOT ready to be married.

Maybe he will be eventually, or maybe he is just getting cold feet.

But seriously....if he is emailing random strangers to 'hook up' or even chat (yeah right!) this close to your wedding. Do you really want to stick around and see what he does after?

You need to take a breather...and think that this is who you will be spending the rest of your life with (or you hope to). He has just broken your trust...where do you go from here?

I would personally take a few days away from him. I know its easier said than done. Find someone who you trust and can confide with and speak to them about it. Hearing it out loud sometimes helps figuring how bad it sounds and what your next step should be.

Don't worry about the 'what is everyone going to think if I cancel the wedding' because its just a wedding (a party). You need to put you first and worry about your 'to be'marriage and what sticking around with this man means.

I will give you the best advice I heard from a man once-
As a woman you know things...so don't ask a question you are not ready to hear the answer for...and dont ask a question you certainly know the answer to.

Think back to your relationship- there had to be signs about this...

Also, if you decide to stick with him, let it be after he earns your trust back and he needs to figure out himself why he did this, even if he never tells you.

Good luck .

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I agree. You need to do what feels right for you; not what people expect of you. Go with your gut. Good luck and be well!

I don't know what to say

This is terrible that you found this out right now, or before your wedding. I know you have a horrible feeling right now, but this will pass no matter what decision you make.

I am so sorry you found this out. I dont know you, and I am so sorry you're facing this right now.

Honestly I wouldnt know what to tell you!! I have never experience something like this but I really feel your pain!! I wouldnt know what to do!!

I'm so sorry this happen to you . I am not the best advise giver , but all I know is a relationship can not work without trust and I also know you should always fallow your gutt .
Definitely give yourself some tome/room to think things over. and if you feel inside your heart that he is lying to you and this can happen again , save yourself the hurt. It will hurt now , but it will hurt less the a lifetime next to someone that will lie and cheat.

Good Luck with everything and remember , you are worth to much to let someone not respect you. Give yourself time to REALLY think things over

How soon, is the wedding? If the wedding was less than 3 months away, I'd call it off. Whatever his reasoning is, he is NOT ready to get married. Maybe he'll get his sh!t together, and you can get married and have a wedding later, but right now he needs to figure out what he wants in life...

I'd take a breather, talk to him, and suggest couples counseling.... if that doesn't work or if he's not open to it. I'd have to cut my losses. A wedding is one day, a marriage is supposed to be forever, if he's not ready for that commitment he's not the person for you.

As the saying goes.... If it's meant to be, it'll happen between the two of you... if it isn't, it's better you found out now rather than later. I am sorry you're going through this

I hope I do not sound naive to everyone... but first How long do you think this has been going on?
Has it been just recently? What was the nature of the e-mails?I'm wondering if the though of a lifetime commitment is compelling him to reach out to other woman? The o'l I'm not going to be able to have another woman lifetime commitment thing.The thought of this can be overwhelming to some men, and I believe they are capable of acting out in different ways.Just because us ladies have not 'caught' them does not mean they have not done something similar. None of us are immune to this.I once had an Ex Boyfriend call me up before he got married, and wanted to meet. I then told him if you tell your fiance you would like to meet me then maybe we can talk. Of coure he said I can't do that and I then said I guess it's not the right thing for you to be doing.
I would sit him down and give him the benefit of the doubt. If you have never had this situation before perhaps it's the whole idea of a lifelong commitment. I would seek couples therapy before you give up on your relationship and before you give your life to him forever.

First off, i am so sorry that you are going through this - that is terrible.

You asked for advice - so here it is....

There are clearly trust issues here, and his answers are not satisfactory - at least not to you, and they shouldn't be when they are 'I don't know..' You need to feel comfortable when you make a life long commitment to someone. If you are to be married that soon, then maybe you need to postpone and work through this and BE COMFORTABLE WITH THIS or understand it, and still be able to trust him. And if not, you need to walk away. This is a lifelong commitment and this is a major issue. You do not want to get married and feel that you cannot trust him the entire time. You will make yourself insane, and the relationship cannot work without trust.

I'm sorry my advice was so blunt and to the point. But best of luck to you. Either way, I hope you are happy in the end with what you decide.

First let me say how sorry I am that you have to go through this. You truly need to spend a day or two away from FH to get your thoughts together. Then try asking your mom for her advise..mine always gives the best (even when I don't want to believe it). I don't think, having been in non-trusting relationships before myself, that if FH can't be trusted you will probably never have full trust in him again and that is not what a marriage is about. JMO

FM if you feel like talking

It really seems as though he is not ready to marry you. I would definitely take a step back and listen to my gut if I were you. It never lies and deep down inside you know exactly what to do. Whether or not he may have cheated, he took steps to and if you didn't say anything now, who knows where it may have gone. I say that you should either call off or postpone your wedding. This could be a glimpse into what your future will be.

I have a very close family friend who is like an aunt to me and the nite before her wedding she found out that her soon to be husband cheated on her. She forgave him and went through with the marriage and for the last 10 years he has cheated on her numerous times and even had a child outside their marriage. Please don't be like her. It's better to not go through with a wedding than to live like this. Good Luck and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.