Need advice: Good friend is in trouble!

I just found out through another friend that one of my good friends has been getting beat by her bf and bc of that, she's also been cutting herself... Knowing this guy, it doesnt come off as a total shocker since he drinks... alot... and has been totally inappropriate to me as well in the past...

I think my friend is scared to tell me what's really going on bc she knows how i feel about him (hes cheated on her in the past, etc etc)

But the fact that a duche bag like him can drive her to want to end her life makes me soooo freaking angry, I'd love to see him get the sh*t beat out of him

She's not a strong girl... she tends to push away the facts and is convinced that hes an okay guy... that he wont do it again...

So my question is, how do I approach the situation... how do I bring up the subject? She needs help- and looking back, I'm so mad at myself for not noticing the extent of it

Wow, this is really a tough situation, and I'm sorry that you and your friend are in it.

I think the best thing would be to get the proper authorities involved and try to stay out of it as much as possible. If there is domestic abuse going on, the police need to be notified, and restraining orders need to be put in place. Which obviously can't happen unless she consents. Wow...I really don't know on this one.

This is actually an easy question to answer.

Go to this website:

http://www.ndvh.org/

Its the national domestic violence hotline.

CALL THEM!

They WILL be able to give you PROFESSIONAL ADVICE that you can follow and help your friend with.

Call them and ask what you can do.

Good luck!

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Posted by coldasice217

Wow, this is really a tough situation, and I'm sorry that you and your friend are in it.

I think the best thing would be to get the proper authorities involved and try to stay out of it as much as possible. If there is domestic abuse going on, the police need to be notified, and restraining orders need to be put in place. Which obviously can't happen unless she consents. Wow...I really don't know on this one.

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I feel like in this situation, I need to be blunt with her... when a life is in danger, i think thats the best route

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Posted by Juhgail

This is actually an easy question to answer.

Go to this website:

http://www.ndvh.org/

Its the national domestic violence hotline.

CALL THEM!

They WILL be able to give you PROFESSIONAL ADVICE that you can follow and help your friend with.

Call them and ask what you can do.

Good luck!

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thank you!!

Oh really hard question. . I def think you can't make anyone start to examine things they are not ready to but maybe just to keep telling her that you are there for her, whatever she needs and that no matter what you will not judge her no matter whay she does. .Also, I might just try calling a social service center to see if they have any advice. . it's hard b/c sometimes if you confront someone even to offer them support, they will just pull away. .

that said. I wish you could just drag her away or make him go away!!

I think that you need to invite her to your house and just lay it all out to her. Offer her a safe place to stay and tell her that you will be there for her when she contacts the police and gets a restraining order.

I think you need to clearly and emotionally express your concerns about the possibility of her ending her life because of the situation she is in. I think that making an appointment with a therapist and going with her to the appointment is something else you can do.

Be there for her but do not be judgemental because that will only push her away. Let her know that you don't agree and that it hurts you and makes you angry but do so in a compassionate way. You don't want to push her away to the point that she cannot trust you.

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Posted by FuTuRe MrS MaZz

I just found out through another friend that one of my good friends has been getting beat by her bf and bc of that, she's also been cutting herself... Knowing this guy, it doesnt come off as a total shocker since he drinks... alot... and has been totally inappropriate to me as well in the past...

I think my friend is scared to tell me what's really going on bc she knows how i feel about him (hes cheated on her in the past, etc etc)

But the fact that a duche bag like him can drive her to want to end her life makes me soooo freaking angry, I'd love to see him get the sh*t beat out of him

She's not a strong girl... she tends to push away the facts and is convinced that hes an okay guy... that he wont do it again...

So my question is, how do I approach the situation... how do I bring up the subject? She needs help- and looking back, I'm so mad at myself for not noticing the extent of it

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First off, I'm so sorry about your friend. It's so hard seeing someone you love go through something like this, especially knowing that she's not doing what's best for herself. It's very rare that cutters are trying to commit suicide thought - the cutting is more to alleviate anxiety so although she definitely needs help, you can at least rest easy knowing that she's not trying to hurt herself seriously. It might be good for a few friends to get together and do an intervention. You may want to call a psychologist or mental health counselor to help you. Hearing the same thing from multiple people at the same time may finally snap her into some sense. Good luck and please let us know how things turn out.

first off..im so sorry this is happening to your friend..

i think u should just invite her over and talk 2 her..ask her flat out whats going on....i would also have some info ready to give her bout people that r going through this or have gone..she might need to speak to someone who has been down this road b4...

i wish i could help u more..this makes me really sad..im sure there r some website n phone numbers that can give u better more professinal advice than i can..

i hope she gets the help she needs and gets out now..NOONE ever deserved to be hit

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Posted by FuTuRe MrS MaZz

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Posted by coldasice217

Wow, this is really a tough situation, and I'm sorry that you and your friend are in it.

I think the best thing would be to get the proper authorities involved and try to stay out of it as much as possible. If there is domestic abuse going on, the police need to be notified, and restraining orders need to be put in place. Which obviously can't happen unless she consents. Wow...I really don't know on this one.

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I feel like in this situation, I need to be blunt with her... when a life is in danger, i think thats the best route

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you just answered your own question sweetheart! If she is a good friend, then you CAN be blunt with her. All of the other advice that the girls have given you is great advice too. Especially the hotline. She needs professional advice........................if she is going to accept it. And be prepared for the fact that she may not listen to any of you and stay with him. There is nothing you can do about that. All you can do is be blunt, this way, God forbid something happens, it's not on your conscience that you never said anything, or tried to intervene for her benefit. does that make sense?

I'm so sorry for your friend and you. What a tough situation. I think no matter what you say, its really up to her to muster up the strength to get away from him.

You shouldn't wait ANY longer to intervene. Though your friend might not see how detrimental her relationship is right now, you don't want her to get to the point where she is hospitalized or WORSE to step in.

And not to generalize or stereotype, but statistically, a lot of women who cut themselves have been abused as young girls -- either sexually, physically, or emotionally. It's not surprising that she has been exhibiting this behavior as a result of her abuse.

I am so sorry that your friend is going through this but I am very glad that she has a friend like you who is able to help her. She will get through it, with the help of professionals and loved ones. She needs to realize on her own how toxic this man is and that she needs to get away from him for good.

I don't have any other advice other than what is given ... I just want to give you some hugs

Don't beat yourself up for not noticing anything sooner ... people who are abused learn to hide things very well.

One thing you should do is.. well this is going to sound sooo strange.... but DOCUMENT every mark you EVER see on her, along with the date and time. Make a little record of it in a book somewhere and don't tell her about it. I know it sounds strange... but the truth is... if god forbid something were to happen you have a record of something that can actually hold up in court. I know it sounds nutty... but it's true.

About bringing it up to her... that's going to be a REALLY touchy subject. First I would say DO NOT PUSH HER AWAY... do not let her think that you are mad at her in any way or that she can't come to you. There's not much you can do in terms of making her leave him... because the truth is... only SHE can leave him when she is ready to. You really just need to show her that you are there for her 100% and that you would do anything to help her. You can talk to her and let her know what you think... but be very careful not to come across the wrong way.

This is not going to be a short or easy journey for anyone involved. Even after she gets out of this situation she most likely will need some sort of therapy. She should really get some therapy now... but she needs to go to one that specializes in her specific problems (like a domestic abuse one).

I'm sorry.. that's all the advice I have at the moment. Sorry to hear about this. I hope things turn around and she gets out of this realtionship and that all the problems surrounding her dissapate. Good Luck!!!!!

I am really sorry for your friend. I actually know how you feel. I was in same situation as you a year ago. It's hard thing to watch your friend do, but you can't really do anything but talk to them. From what I learned from many of my psychology classes, it could be that she is cutting herself as a cry for help. She might not want to approach you or other friends with her problem or maybe she is just scared. Maybe she feels that if you guys notice this, you will ask questions and somehow help. Try inviting her for coffee one day and talk to her. Ask her how she been and how her bf is doing. If she doesn't open up but you can still see the marks ask her about it. Don't judge her, let her know she has a safe place to go to and friends that care about her. Don't tell her to leave him, because she feels like he tells her what to do already and now your doing the same. She might feel like everyone is trying to control her. You want to make her feel safe enough to come to you anytime she needs you. When she starts telling you things, ask her what she wants to do about it because you will help as much as you can. This might take her few month or maybe right away but I think she might eventually realize he is bad and she has good friends like you to count on. I have a Sociology class this semester and my professor been a Social worker for many years and she deals with this kind of problems. If you like, I can always ask her on Monday what she thinks or I can email her. I hope this helps.

I am sorry about your friend. My only piece of advice is to stand by her. You have to be very wise. You can't just get actively or aggressively involved. You run the risk of alienating her from you and having no one to turn to .
You should def. Try to get her to speak to someone. And Just stand by her.