Need advice on depressed niece...

DH has a niece who is early teens, and always seems withdrawn and depressed. Yesterday I got from her one of those email forwards where you answer all the questions...These are some of her answers...

27. When did you last cry? today

>30. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? no because i DONT like myself
>33. Do looks matter? yes.
>34. How do you release anger? go in my room and cry
>35. Where is your second home? my basement
>37. What class in high school do you think was totally useless? didn't get there yet...but know-nothing I like it all.
>45. What is the least favorite thing about yourself? me


She sent this to everyone--the entire family...I can't help but think it is a cry for help. What do you think? They live far away so I can't develop a close relationship with her...

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Posted by RedHead

i think it definately is a cry for help and i would talk to the parents about it!

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It's so sad... Plus, they just had a baby and make her babysit all the time--she is 12 I think...I don't think she can handle the responsibility.

It's a total cry for help!

It's too bad you don't live closer- having someone a little older and in more of a 'big sister' capacity would probably work wonders for her. I think most of us have experienced similar feelings, though maybe not to that extreme.

Maybe you should call her just to let her know you're thinking of her, or maybe send her a good book (something fictional but something that would make her feel better- I am at a loss for titles at the moment but there is a lot of wonderful young adult fiction out that that deals with feelings like the ones she is having.)

sounds like it. Otherwise why would she send it to her whole family?

Did her parents get a copy?

It's so sad. My cousin has fits of depression, so he's on zoloft or similar. Sad that a 16 year old kid has to take medicine to get through what are supposed to be the best years of his life but it really does help him. His grades have improved, he has more friends, etc.

I would talk to her mom or dad

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Posted by mrswask

I would contact (or ask her parents to) her guidance counselor. That is a good first step and if it is a good guidance counselor, she will follow up on it with the student and make the appropriate referrals.

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If not get as involved as you can with her to find out whats going on

It is my DH's sister's daughter...Since they live far away I have only met his sister 3 times I think, and he is not close with her at all (she is much older and did not grow up with him). The sister is so preoccupied with the new baby that I don't think she is too worried--she was also sent the email. At my wedding I gave the niece a bunch of my old clothes--I think that made her feel grown up and happy, but she seems so depressed. These three children are the most depressed kids I have ever met.


ETA: I guess I also don't want to step on any toes since it isn't really MY family--it's the in-laws I just became family with...

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Posted by nov04LIbride

It is my DH's sister's daughter...Since they live far away I have only met his sister 3 times I think, and he is not close with her at all (she is much older and did not grow up with him). The sister is so preoccupied with the new baby that I don't think she is too worried--she was also sent the email. At my wedding I gave the niece a bunch of my old clothes--I think that made her feel grown up and happy, but she seems so depressed. These three children are the most depressed kids I have ever met.

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That's sad, just because a new baby is in the family, the other kids shouldn't be put second.

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Posted by nov04LIbride

It is my DH's sister's daughter...Since they live far away I have only met his sister 3 times I think, and he is not close with her at all (she is much older and did not grow up with him). The sister is so preoccupied with the new baby that I don't think she is too worried--she was also sent the email. At my wedding I gave the niece a bunch of my old clothes--I think that made her feel grown up and happy, but she seems so depressed. These three children are the most depressed kids I have ever met.

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oh that is so sad to hear!!! the fact that you outstretched your hands to her, keep that up! send her a care package with some lipgloss or a cd or a book. let her know that someone cares about her!!! i know that teenagers in general are melodramatic, so this could be her moody, but at the same time, this is not somehting you take lightly. i'd rather react to melodrama than let something that is serious slip by. good luck!

I think maybe you can be of a big help to her!

Why not try developing a relationship over email with her. Don't start with an 'attack' about her depression but start with some nice converstation back & forth. Then you can get into more stuff by talking about yuor childhood, how you sometimes felt awkward, it was a rough time - see if it draws her out ... sometimes they just need to get their feeling out and get them in order.

I do this with my 11-year old cousin. She has started the 'Preteen angst' already and her mom became very worried so I offered up my cell phone, home phone and email to her. We talk (IM & Email mostly) about a lot of nonesense stuff but sometimes we talk about what it's like at different ages, and how to deal with anger and friends. I joke about what I was like at age 13 and say stuff, like yea going through puberty was embarrasing sometimes or I hated when my friends were able to wear makeup and I wasn;t yet. It opens her up to talk about it. Then I can go back in and try to rationalize with her and see that there are so many years to come.

I told her anything she says to me is private and her mother knows I'll go to her if I see anything really wrong.

I talk to her about DH and how marriage is and how he's a messy boy and takes up the entire bed when I try to sleep! It makes her feel like I'm treating her like one of my girlfriends and she feels like a grown up.

I think because you are distanced you can be a help to her because she may open up more since she doesn;t see you often and won;t feel as embarrased.

I also agree you can be a big help to her. You know how strange and confusing that time in your life can be. I'm sure they're may not be many adult figures in her life that can connect and relate to her on her level without sounding like an old fogey. I did this for my former step-niece and built what I thought was a very strong foundation. I was the only one who she could tell things to without being judged or criticized and offered her advice that she could relate to in a positive way. I would seriously try to generate some sort of email interaction with her. If she feels like someone is out there for her, someone she can connect with, it might help her work through this difficult time

I think that you are a wonderful person for being so concerned for your DH's niece.

Can you maybe buy her a plane ticket to come visit you for a week...so that you can spend time with her...find out what's going on in her life.

Im just thinking that if you had some more insite, and you gained her trust....that she would take your advise to heart.

maybe she just needs more attention...and a special trip just for her might help break her shell...to find out what is bothering her.