need advice... sorry so long

I am posting under a fake name because frankly I am a little embarrassed and am being wary of lurkers...

Anyway, FH and I have been living together for 3 years and have been together for almost 4 years. We have had our ups and downs, arguments, etc., and have come close to breaking up several times, but always work things out in our own way. We usually fight over 'normal' things, like financial issues, etc. A lot of issues in the past had to do with us not spending a lot of time together since we work opposite schedules (he works at night and I during the day). We used to also fight a lot because I would go out with my friends a lot on the weekends when he was working and stay out very late with my single friends, but this doesn't happen so much anymore in the past year or so because honestly I am so tired all the time and I just don't want to party as much as I used to.

I feel, like most girlfriends do, that I do everything in our relationship. I do all the housework, I take care of our dogs, I am constantly cleaning up after him, and I feel that I am more financially responsible than him.

However, last night we got into a huge fight over what should have been so meaningless, but nevertheless, he brought it to a whole new level. Basically, I didn't see him all week because like I said before, I work during the day and he works at night. He was supposed to be off on Monday, and we had plans to go to the movies, but then he had to go to work so the only day he had off this week was Friday. So we made plans again to go to the movies and have a nice night together. So I get off of work around 2:30 and I call him, and he's out to one of our favorite restaurants in the city near his job with his friends from work. So I got a little annoyed, since it was only 3 and he knew that I was coming home and that I would probably want to get dinner with him since I eat lunch early, and regardless we had plans. I didn't say anything because I wanted to just get on with it. He then asks me if I wanted to come meet up with his 2 friends andhis friend's gf to go to the movies. Again, got a little annoyed because we NEVER do anything just the 2 of us (for the past month or so, everything we have done for fun has been with his friends too, ie, going to 6 flags, going to a haunted house and out to dinner, to a hockey game, etc). so I tell him that I am tired and had a hard day at work and that I want to relax, so he kind of grudgingly tells me that he's going to come home then. So i change my mind and say yes I'll meet them, since I knew that he would just come home and we would sit around on the couch all night, which is what we always do unless one of his friends is around.

We go to the movie, have fun and then it's time to come home and he asks me what's wrong. All I say is, 'well you know honestly I was upset because I would have liked to go out to lunch with you, why couldn't you wait another hour or two for me to come home, you always go out with your friends and this was our one day to hang out and you invite me out along with your friends.' so we start bickering and of course he thinks that I am being dramatic and nagging him etc. So finally in a really mean tone he tells me, 'Shut up, now you ruined my night.' I was FUMING. I didn't talk to him at all for the rest of the night and was very upset. I told him that he makes me feel like crap, and I tried telling him WHY I was so upset, but he kept justifying the way he spoke to me by saying that I am always irrational and nagging him, and that I shouldn't have gotten upset because I always hang out with my friends when I want to.

I just don't know what to do because he acts like a different person depending on who is around. He can be such a jerk sometimes and I don't know if I can take it anymore. I think that he is unhappy in his job and gets stressed, but that's no reason to take it out on me and treat me like this. the movie we saw last night was Role Models... if you have seen it, his attitude kind of reminds me of Paul Rudd's character... like everyone pisses him off, and he can just be an a$$hole.

Anyway I don't know what I want to come out of this post, maybe I just needed to vent it all out, or even see if anyone else is dealing with the same thing. I just don't think I deserve to be spoken to like that, I mean I don't even want to think of what my father or friends would do if they heard him say that to me. UGHH anyway thanks for listening, I am so sorry this post was so long

first off I am so sorry

I agree with you and don't think you did anything wrong. Maybe for others or if the situation was different can someone say you over reacted but in your situation I don't think you did at all and I would've done the same thing. If you two barely get to spend time together or even really see eachother during the week, then I don't think you were asking for too much to have alone time. I remember there was a time that just so happened we had events all the time and that sort of stuff and yes we saw eachother during the week but whenever we went out and did something we just always were with people. So I one day brought up that I would like to do something and his suggestion involved other people sometimes they don't get it. THen i said 'my point was to do something alone, we haven't gone out and done something just the two of us' he got the point after that. I think what helped me was that we were at home just discussing this and saying i want to do something alone. Your situation was hard bc he was already out with friends, they probably already discussed going to the movies and doing something, and he didnt want to turn around to his friends and say that you don't want to or bail out on plans with their friends. Guys are weird and have this thing that they can't bail out on friends bc then the guys will tease them about being whipped and all that.

He definitely shouldn't have told you that you ruined his night and call you a nag. You're a nag bc you want to spend quality time alone with him? that is insane. You two don't get to see eachother all the time, I think its a perfectly normal request.

I would just say what you have to say to him and thats it. Don't have to say well we need to talk for hours about this bc right off the bat he'll probably get annoyed and start getting defensive and will think of ways to go against what you're saying. Just out of nowhere come out and lay it out on the table, get off your chest whatever you are feeling and thats it, don't even need to wait for him to have an explanation, if he has one then he'll come to you and tell you.

It's weird but i havent been doing this on purpose as a test or anything but lately when I am mad using that approach has been working alot better. When DH used to get home from work, he liked to sit quitely watching tv and can be grouchy at times usually for an hour after he got home lol. At first i would stick talking to him and asking whats wrong and stuff. And then he would just get annoyed by saying 'i am just tired is that ok with you' so now honestly the moment I see he gets an attitude or even annoys me, i walk away but not mad or anything, i'll get up and go to the bedroom and he'll ask where i am going and i just say to the bedroom. I watch tv in the room or go on the computer and after a short period of time he comes in the room and asks why i left and tells me he wants me to come watch tv with him, and i say 'i thought you like your alone time' and he says no i want you to come sit with me.

even with a fight, one day he just pissed me off too by something he said. I got mad and just said what i had to say and thats it. I didn't sit there trying to have these long drawn out arguements and so i left it alone, and didn't even want to talk about it. I kept ignoring him for the most part, just doing my own thing and if he asked me anything i would answer nicely. I then went out with friends since we had these plans from a while ago, when I got home he was the one who said OK i am sorry, and he is the one who had the long talk but did so nicely and expressed what he was feeling and said 'i don't want to fight, so can we please let this go'

Thanks so much

I felt a little better after just venting a little bit, I just get to upset by things like this... i mean, it's so ridiculous!!! Especially since it should have been such a fun night. We just have our issues that we need to work out.

You are right, I think that it's so important to talk about things without getting angry, just laying it out on the table is the right way to handle it. As soon as I have some time with him I will try and talk it over.

Thanks though I feel so much better!

I'm so sorry I think you were right to be annoyed.... you barely see him and you guys had plans. Hi point about you going out with your girls is different... you go out when he isnt around bc you didnt want to sit home alone.... he was with his friends when you 2 had plans from the beginning- so thats why I thought he was wrong.

I'm sorry he talked to you the way he did...but my FH also has an attitude problem/temper.... now when we argue and he says mean things, I'll tell him how wrong he is, and I walk away. I used to sit there and bicker until I couldnt talk anymore. It just didnt work bc nothing was getting accomplished and I only looked more like a baby doing so. I leave the room and now he'll come to the bedroom or something and apologize to me. I would def. tell him how you feel...also dont plan it. If you say 'we need to talk' hes going to go into 'I dont want to listen or we talk about this over and over' mode.

I agree with Espo, just do it in a nice manner and get it off your chest. You will get more across to him if its said nicely than if you yell at him bc hes going to stop listening to you anyway. You should make it clear that you wanted to have a romantic date with him just the 2 of you bc you dont see him as much and the only reason you go out with your friends is b/c he isnt home anyway. Good luck!!

I just saw this, and sorry to post late. I just wanted to add my two cents.

I have a lot of doubts about getting married. I've actually talked to my FH about them. Mostly stupid things. And lately I've really calmed down about this, as I realize most feel this way. And I really credit this site- I've read a lot of comments about people having doubts, and it's really been a relief.

However, and maybe it's not my place to say it, but your FH telling you to shut up is disrespectful and unacceptable. Has he behaved like this before? I just think there is a line in the sand, and telling someone you love and respect to shut up is really crossing it.

I also have to say that maybe this is just me, because I have a particular pet peeve with the term. Maybe it's the delivery- I have told FH to shut up, but with a smile and in a joking way. So it could be just me. But if he said it to you with cruelty and animosity, especially over something so minor, and ***AND THIS IS A BIG AND***- if you told him why you were upset calmly, then I think this is cause for concern. If you yelled at him and made him feel defensive, then I almost understand. But if you were speaking to him calmly and from your heart, and he responded that way, I would say to talk to him- because this is important.

The problems only get bigger. Life is not easy. If this is how he reacted to you telling him your feelings were hurt in a calm and rational way, then I think you have some things to think about. I'm sorry- especially if this situation is already resolved. I hope all is well, and if you need anything, let me know.

This is an example of 'relationships are hard work'. I don't mean this in a sarcastic or mean way at all. I empathize and understand why you feel hurt and confused. I think we all go through certain things and issues relationships from time to time. I agree with the previous poster and what she wrote. I know it's hard bc you love him,. live with him, and are engaged to him. I know the old saying is 'choose your battles'. And it's not like when you're young and you're not in a serious realtionship, where you can say or have the attitude that 'I don't like the way he talked to me and it's messed up so I'm breaking up with him and moving on'. Because IMO that's not the way to handle this situation. It's unrealistic. Just don't ever be afraid to speak up about something that is really bothering you about the realtionship. When times get tough and it's not all peaches and cream....and this is normal to a certain extent....it's how you both approach and handle a situation that matters most. IMO he did cross the line by talking to you the way he did. Talk to him about this, stick to the issue, stand your ground, and maybe talk to him when you are both more calm and not as angry. Hope you are feeling much better.....

First I'm really sorry to hear you guys had such a crappy arguement at all and I'm 'glad' I guess that you at least got it off of your chest and did vent.

I can understand you being angry and frustrated, I do get like this too at times when we have nonstop stuff going on and we just can't get a minute together. I don't think you were being unreasonable and I don't think you answering his question of 'what's wrong' was at all ruining his night. If he didn't want to know, he shouldn't have asked. It sounds like he was just picking a fight to relieve tension off of his chest and you were the easiest target. I don't think I'd talk to FH either because I'd be SO unreasonably mad for him talking to me in such a manner. Let him come to you to apologize to you for being a di
I'm sorry

Did you guys ever try a marriage workshop?

It's great hubby and I just took one recently and it was really good. It was four weeks, we now have a better understanding of each other and how to communicate.

You can e-mail Rev. Deb Viola
[email protected]

Relationships take work and comprise. We have been married 3yrs. and together for seven.
We also lived together before tying the knot. Hubby also had worked a night/wknd schedule. While I work days and off wknds.

You should not fell like C#%#%.......

I am so sorry that you are feeling crappy about this. It definitely sounds like miscommunication on both parts.

He said that you get to see your friends whenever you want to, and that him going out to lunch was his time to spend with his friends. We would all like our men to be more considerate, but they just don't think like we do. I think you both need to be more understanding of each others feelings. I would definitely have a talk with him about it. Just let him know that it bothers you, and that you want to understand what makes him feel justified about the things that you think are rediculous and unfair. I hope you guys work it out hun.

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Posted by Billy

Did you guys ever try a marriage workshop?

It's great hubby and I just took one recently and it was really good. It was four weeks, we now have a better understanding of each other and how to communicate.

You can e-mail Rev. Deb Viola
[email protected]

Relationships take work and comprise. We have been married 3yrs. and together for seven.
We also lived together before tying the knot. Hubby also had worked a night/wknd schedule. While I work days and off wknds.

You should not fell like C#%#%.......

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I agree, those workshops & seminars are actually really great. For me & FH, we watched a Marriage Seminar DVD this summer (as part of the Pre-Marriage Counseling my church does for any soon-to-be newly weds). OMG - it was amazing!! All about the differences in male & female personalities. How we think & respond to things sooo different from one another. It really helped us communicate & understand one another better. I forget what this DVD is called & who the speaker is. I have it though & can check if ya wanna FM me for the details.

But I'm sorry you feel so hurt!! I've been there too. Just misunderstandings that cause stupid arguments. I'm sure things will be okay though