Need an Honest Outside Opinion....

It has to do with doing the Father/Bride & Mother/Groom dances.

Here is the dilemna:

FH does not want to dance with his mother. To make a long story short there is a lot of history (bad) that he just doesn't want to do this dance with her. She will be at the wedding though because it is his mom, the only way she isn't coming if it's on her own accord.

I still want to do my dance with my dad. FH thinks that by me still doing the dance will cause problems and his mom asking why they don't get their dance. I understand his logic behind it, but I don't see why I should give up my dance with my father.
I told him I'm doing it whether he does it with his mother or not.

But honestly.. how do you think it looks from the mother & guests perspective?

Although I can see some people questioning why they may not be dancing, I dont think that you should not dance with your Dad bc they are not doing it. I think the Father/Daughter dance is more known then the Mother/Son dance and your guests wont remember too much that it is missing.
Suggestion, can your FH give her a bouquet of roses or something after you dance with your father. If he does something minimal but simple she will still feel loved and it wouldn't look 'off'

Oh I should add that she thinks her & FH are going to dance. We never told her we were doing ANY dances.

She doesn't even know we booked a hall & are looking for DH now either...

We're hoping that the time will come to sit down and go over music (MUCH closer to our date) and when it comes to it we just say that we're only doing the father/bride.

FH won't be cool with the giving her the flowers thing either. He doesn't think she deserves any special recognition.

WOw that's a very touchy subject. I don't think it's fair to you- to have to sacrifice your dance with your father b/c they choose not to. I totally understand what you mean. As an outsider looking in at the wedding, one would wonder why he wouldn't dance with his mother- but if the family knows the history of them 2, then they would understand and I would say WHO CARES what they think! I mean, I don't know what happened obviously- but his mother is making an effort in being at the wedding in the first place. It's also only a dance that lasts for seconds, he can't just bury the hatchet for some seconds and enjoy his day with his wife? I really hope he can just put it aside for a bit and spend the day thinking about how wondeful and lucky of a man he is to be marrying you. I really hope this works out for you!!

I don't think it matters what the guests think. I don't think you should have to give up your dance with your dad. It's a very important part of the wedding and I think your dad would be disappointed if he didn't get the honor of dancing with you.

If FH wants to dance with someone, tell him to dance with a grandmother or sister or a really good friend then or have a separate dance where you have him dance with your mom, you dance with his dad, and his mom dance with your dad or something and also do your dance with your dad earlier.

At my wedding, my FH did the mother/son dance but I didn't do the father/daughter dance. My dad passed away, and my uncle (his brother) gave me away. He has a bad knee problem, so we didn't do the uncle/niece dance or anything like that. No one asked about it and no one said anything about it.

I don't think it's fair to you, or necessary, to have to give up the father/daughter dance at your wedding just to make it look right to your guests. I think it's fine to have your father/daughter dance and not do the mother/son dance. Every wedding is unique and a reflection of you and your FH If there is that much tension between your FH and his mother, it will only be exacerbated by feeling like he *has* to do the dance with her. Many guests won't notice, and it's your wedding- do what works for you and your FH.
IMHO...just from what I am reading in your post...I hope you don't mind my saying this ...but it sounds as if your mind is made up (or your FH has his mind made up) about the mother/son dance. It sounds more as if you and he aren't sure about how to tell his mother that he won't be doing this dance. That's a tough one...it sounds as if she may be hurt by this decision if she is expecting this dance...I would try to just state it very simply and only if she asks about it and take it from there...if she is hurt, explain gently that FH (or have HIM explain) doesn't feel comfortable with it and leave it at that.
HTH...GL

honestly, i wouldnt care what the guests though bc i would dance with my dad no matter what. This is something that meant alot to me and meant alot to him too, and would NEVER give that up for anything. Your Fh cant tell you not to do something just bc his relationship with his mother is not great. Well you and your dad are different and your dad shouldn't be punished for his mothers actions, he needs to get over it. I would be very upset.

And if my situation was that i didnt get along with my dad and lets say he wasnt really around or anything like that, i would never ask DH to NOT dance with his mom. They are very close and i know how much it meant to her to dance with him and how much it meant to my DH, i wouldnt take that away from them.

Yeah, we're kind of a afraid of her reaction to hearing it's not going to happen with FH.

We've heard through the grape vine that she thinks we are doing it. But I don't know why she assumes anything. Like I noted before she doesn't even know we booked our RH. Why? Cause knowing he kind of person she is, she might call up my RH and try to sell them on the idea that she's calling on my behalf to cancel the wedding or something equally bad. Yes she would do something like that.

I'm doing my dance with my dad no matter what. FH knows it, although he's worried about his mom is going to react in response to it.

We're hoping she'll be mature & respect our wishes.

We figure it won't be brought up unless she brings it up. In that case we will just say we aren't doing the Mother/Groom dance, if she asks why? I don't know.... we have time to come up with an answer/excuse. I think that's something FH needs to handle & not me.

Maybe we'll be even luckier and she won't come to the wedding.

Oh yeah, that's an issue to.. she's threatened to others that she won't be coming to our wedding. So why are we going to plan a dance & things for her to be involved in when the day of she doesn't show.

We figure his aunt or godmother can be a stand in for anything his mom would normally do if she is a no show.

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Posted by Opera_Ghost

Yeah, we're kind of a afraid of her reaction to hearing it's not going to happen with FH.

We've heard through the grape vine that she thinks we are doing it. But I don't know why she assumes anything. Like I noted before she doesn't even know we booked our RH. Why? Cause knowing he kind of person she is, she might call up my RH and try to sell them on the idea that she's calling on my behalf to cancel the wedding or something equally bad. Yes she would do something like that.

I'm doing my dance with my dad no matter what. FH knows it, although he's worried about his mom is going to react in response to it.

We're hoping she'll be mature & respect our wishes.

We figure it won't be brought up unless she brings it up. In that case we will just say we aren't doing the Mother/Groom dance, if she asks why? I don't know.... we have time to come up with an answer/excuse. I think that's something FH needs to handle & not me.

Maybe we'll be even luckier and she won't come to the wedding.

Oh yeah, that's an issue to.. she's threatened to others that she won't be coming to our wedding. So why are we going to plan a dance & things for her to be involved in when the day of she doesn't show.

We figure his aunt or godmother can be a stand in for anything his mom would normally do if she is a no show.

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Ive been to a few weddinsg where the groom doesnt dance with his mom .. im sure it will be fine.. SHE DOESNT SOUND LIKE SHE DESERVES A DANCE ANYWAY .. and if she doesnt understand and deciedes not to go to the wedding then u just have on less headache to worry about

We ended up canceling the mother/son dance at the wedding because my MIL made a semi- scene and my DH didn't want to dance with her. No one noticed , by that time everyone was tipsy and focused on other things

There was no way in h ell i would have changed my dance with my father for anything. No one will notice , and if your FH doesn't want to there must be a good reason. There is time if he changes his mind, but I wouldn't cancel the father/daughter dance .

my FH isn't doing the dance with his mother either. The reason, however, is that she won't even be there anyhow. She lives far away and doesn't feel like she can fly out for it It's ok though because we're doing a second wedding there a few weeks later.

Even so... i still am definitely doing my Father/Daughter dance. No way I'm missing out on that. FH is going to do a dance with MY mom though, rather than him not doing anything. Plus him & my mom have a nice relationship, so I think it'll be sweet. But that would definitely be inappropriate for your situation (since his mom will actually BE THERE).

okay so in all honesty:

DO NOT give up the dance with your father..you will majorly regret it if you any kind of relationship with him...and from your father's perspective, i would think it's something he's waited for since you're a little girl.

You have a lot of time, but I'd talk about it with your future hubby about it now so there's no issues later on. If it's something that means a lot to you, better off getting it settled now. You dancing with your father does not mean he HAS to dance with his mother...also not dancing with her is his choice...and part of that is dealing with the repurcussions(if there are any) afterwards..he does need to be prepared if she does get hurt or has anything to say...but by no means does it mean to bow out of ur father/daughter dance. Also, do him & his mother still have a rough relationship??? Because if they have a decent relationship now - not giving her a heads up about not dancing may drop a bomb. just like fathers wait their whole lives to dance with their daughters, a majority of mother's wait their whole lives to dance with their sons...unless they still have a rocky relationship of course..

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Posted by jtgarsik

okay so in all honesty:

DO NOT give up the dance with your father..you will majorly regret it if you any kind of relationship with him...and from your father's perspective, i would think it's something he's waited for since you're a little girl.

You have a lot of time, but I'd talk about it with your future hubby about it now so there's no issues later on. If it's something that means a lot to you, better off getting it settled now. You dancing with your father does not mean he HAS to dance with his mother...also not dancing with her is his choice...and part of that is dealing with the repurcussions(if there are any) afterwards..he does need to be prepared if she does get hurt or has anything to say...but by no means does it mean to bow out of ur father/daughter dance. Also, do him & his mother still have a rough relationship??? Because if they have a decent relationship now - not giving her a heads up about not dancing may drop a bomb. just like fathers wait their whole lives to dance with their daughters, a majority of mother's wait their whole lives to dance with their sons...unless they still have a rocky relationship of course..

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Their relationship is extremely rocky and I don't see that changing. I mean this is a mother who more than once let him know that he was a 'mistake'. She even made a joke at a family get together about how she should have named him 'Broken Condom'? .... Oh I could go on forever.

To be honest I don't want him to dance with her. She's most undeserving of it.

I'm going to just do my Father/Daughter dance and if she don't like sitting on the side lines she can leave, not show up... or if she causes a scene it will be all caught on tape anyway and she will be asked to go.

FH is going to deal with her when she brings up 'the dance' for them. I just have little patience for her right now...

Especially considering what I think she just did. I posed about it on the 2010 board but more or less someone (i bet FMIL) called my RH to see if our wedding was cancelled. Someone must have told her where we booked & that we booked or how else would she have known. I knew she would do something like this! I said it!

She's in for a rude awakening. FH is going to have to deal with this though.