Need help...very sad and confused.......(Long--sorry)

Need help...very sad and confused.......(Long--sorry)

So, we went to our tasting at Land's End last night and all was going well (Food was YUMMY!!!!!)....until the dicussion of the 'guest list' came up towards the end of dinner. Well, Looonnnngg story very short.....my mom and FH's mom ended up fighting (not physical---but darn close) after FH's mom said those magic words 'well, if I'M paying for part of this wedding, then I'M inviting who IIIIII want....'. My mom didn't take very well to that (she feels that it's our wedding and the guest list should be who WE want---not a completely strange concept, right???) and it began a HUGE argument (which has been a long time coming)---ANYWAY, I need your advice as to what to do now. My mom stormed off and basically said 'F%$K that Bi#$h' ---'you should elope'. FH's mom can be a very difficult woman to deal with, but I have learned how to handle her over the years (she can be rude, inconsiderate, and outright obnoxious)----but my mom hasn't spent as much time with her and doesn't know quite how to deal.

Do you girls think FH and I should just stay out of their battle and let them somehow 'work it out' (I'm REALLY afraid FH and I will end up pitted against each other if we try to intervene) or should we have another 'family gtg' and try to hash this all out in a 'not-so public' place? I really don't want to even discuss this with FH b/c I'm afraid WE'LL end up fighting!! It's all extremely immature in my eyes--and I assume many others go through this---but I need some sort of advice.

I know we kind of put ourselves into the situation by having our parents help in finances (but that's not the only issue being addressed here---that only BEGAN the fight)--there are many other deep-rooted issues that have come to a head and we're (FH and I) are not quite sure how to handle it now. Do you girls have any advice? Or has anybody else been in a similar situation where the 'in-laws' weren't getting along during the planning? Help!!!

Re: Need help...very sad and confused.......(Long--sorry)

Re: Need help...very sad and confused.......(Long--sorry)

Ugh these fights are always the worst and I am SO sorry that you're going through it now.
Well from my humble opinion: This is suppose to be YOUR wedding wether or not your FILs are paying or not. It's not paryt time for them and their friends. It should be people that you know and love a FEW of their friends. Not a list of people that you have no idea who they are! It's going to be hard but you know that if you don't try to intervene then neither side are going to get together on their own to work on things. Maybe you should sit down with them but have a talk with your FI first since you don't want problems to occur between the two of you. Tell you FILs how you feel. I hope you figure out what to do and that everything gets better. I'm sorry.

Re: Need help...very sad and confused.......(Long--sorry)

As I figured, I am getting the answers I really already knew......thank you SOOOO much. My mom just called me and said she 'wrote a letter' to FH's mom (Uggh!!!), but she wasn't sure if she should send it. I told her that we all really need to sit down and discuss this like adults---not through 'letters.' It's become VERY clear to me over the last few years where my temper and immaturity came from in the past .

I just dread the conversation---but it has to be done. Thank you ladies for your honesty and opinions!!! I truly appreciate it.... (and although I'm not 'happy' you're going through similar stuff---it does comfort me to know it's normal!!)

Re: Need help...very sad and confused.......(Long--sorry)

good luck with your talk...i'm just here to offer some

Re: Need help...very sad and confused.......(Long--sorry)

---

Posted by azoodie

good luck with your talk...i'm just here to offer some

---

Thanks Azoodie!!!

Re: Need help...very sad and confused.......(Long--sorry)

So sorry Moosey!
As someone who is dealing with her share of family issues, all I can say is what you already know. It's your wedding so you do get to invite those nearest and dearest to you and your fi. Of course, the in-laws get to invite some of their friends...but the operative word is 'some', those closest to them as well paying for part of the wedding does not give anyone carte blanche to invite 'whomever they want', your FMIL was hasty in making that comment (and wrong, IMO) and since there are other issues involved, not just who's paying for what, I agree that you should try to calmly deal with them...but for the time being since oyur mom is still upset (and I'm guessing FH's mom is too) give it some time and then try to discuss it again. Congrats on keeping a level head through all this and being rational - that is usually the hardest thing to do when family and emotions are involved.
And remember - we're here for you!

Re: Need help...very sad and confused.......(Long--sorry)

Sorry to hear you have go to through this. I went through this a little bit with MY parents because they were going on and on about all these people they wanted to invite that I havent seen in AGES plus, mind you, I wasnt invited to any of these peoples' kids weddings, so why would I invite them to MINE! I finally just said to myself 'they are paying for it, I do not care anymore' because I am just going to make myself nuts if I let it get to me. If my father even thinks about complaining about the costs, I am going to throw it right back at him that HE was the one that wanted to invite these people. Shoot if it was up to me, I would have 50 people at my wedding! Good luck with everything!! We are all here for you!

Re: Need help...very sad and confused.......(Long--sorry)

Since the question was whether to intervene, I say yes....you and FH should step in. People can be so petty sometime and hold grudges for absolutely no reason. I would step in and try to mediate before things get out of hand. I am certain I am going to be in the same situation as you as FILs STILL haven't given me even a tentative list and my STDs are sitting on the table waiting for addresses. I think they're waiting for the last minute since they already got the impression that they are not going to be able to invite the amount of people that they want (mind you they're not contributing ANYTHING to the wedding).

Re: Need help...very sad and confused.......(Long--sorry)

Re: Need help...very sad and confused.......(Long--sorry)

I understand your mom's POV but if FMIL if helping with the finances I think it's only fair to let her invite some ppl. I am going through the same thing and came to this realization myself not too long ago. As long as it doesn't bother you then try to talk with your mom. Her intentions are really sweet, she wants you to have people you know around you on your special day, but FIL's need to have some sort of say too. Best of Luck to you.

Re: Need help...very sad and confused.......(Long--sorry)

Oooohhhh, this is tough. I voted you should stop the war before it begins, but really I don't know what else to say. This stinks to have to go through this......


Good Luck!

Re: Need help...very sad and confused.......(Long--sorry)

Wow this is a tough one. I think you should settle it before the rest of your engagement becomes a big stressful nightmare. If the parents are both paying, they should each be entitled to invite guests they would like there - within reason. Maybe you should let your FH sit w/ his mom & set things straight that this is YOUR (you & FH) wedding & that you guys both don't want to feel that this is going to be stressful as opposed to a great day as it's supposed to be. And the incident at Land's End really concerns you both. Basically the two moms should learn to play nice at least for your sake. And if you both stress that while you appreciate their financial contributions, you don't want to be caught in the middle of an immature battle. You should explain to your mom that she needs to let your FH's mom's attitude roll off her back otherwise she will make herself nuts - that is just how she is. Anyway, just my opinion, hope it all works out. Sorry you have to deal w/ all this.