So normally I don't post things like this, but I just need some advice. I am not going to keep this post up long because I don't want anyone to see. Anyways, FH and I get along very well, but when we fight it is over something really stupid and always ends up in a big blown out fight when it doesn't need to be. So for example, last night we were talking to my uncle (we live with him), my uncle asked if we were going to have anyone over this coming week while he is away. I said, 'Jenn and Matthew (who is my cousin). But that is it. Mike (FH) doesn't have any friends.' Obviously, I was just kidding around. So my uncle goes upstairs and Mike says to me, 'Why are you such a Fken Ahole. Why did you say that? You know I hate when you say that.' Needless to say, I blew up because he knows I hate when he curses at me and to me there was no reason to get so upset. I was kidding. I feel like a 2nd grader would get mad at something like this. So anyways, now I go on and say nasty things like, no wonder no one likes you at work you are such an ahole.... Anyways, I just wanted to know what you girls think about this. It really scares me how he blows up about nothing when it was quite obvious I meant nothing mean in what I said. Honestly, am I wrong? Is this normal to get treated this way? I am just so sick of being treated disrespectfully. Please give your advice.
laural2979
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Re: Need some Advice...
I'm really sorry that you're going through this and I'm going to give you an honest answer. I really hope that you don't take offense to this. It sounds to me like you're the one who was being disrespectful to FH. It sounds like he's really sensitive about the topic of his friends and you probably shouldn't joke around about it. It was wrong of him to curse at you, but it looks like you did the same thing back to him so how can he know that you don't appreciate this behavior? You guys should probably just sit down and have a talk about all of the fights that you've had recently and figure out why it became such a blow up.
Good luck!
FutureMrsBeck
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Re: Need some Advice...
always go with your gut..... everyone is diff but that wouldn't be ok with me, jmo
Marchbride07
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I am so srry to hear that...coming from a person who has a similar attitude toward small things (I blow up sometimes at the drop of a hat) I can say he doesn't mean to offend you...but it is still not right. I would sit down and talk to him and ask him if anything happened in his past that he is so extra senstive to playful ribbing...if he blows up at that question I would say that maybe you guys could go see couples counselor (NO SHAME AT ALL! we were thinking of doing this) to work through it...
It is not normal to blow up at little things, but he might have been ridiculed in the past and the wound might not have healed correctly....It i snever right to be spoken down too...but you guys may be able to work through this! let him know how he makes you feel when he does that and explain to him when you say that, you are just kidding....
Or he may have anger management issues, if he is normally very low key, he might keep things inside until he hits a boiling point...something my FH does too and it winds up being over the littlest thing...
I HTH
dplehat
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Re: Need some Advice...
I think you are both wrong. Cursing at eachother and saying hurtful things are never acceptable behavior. As pp said, to you the friends thing may be a harmless joke but it obviously hurts him. You should talk about the different things that bother each of you and try not to say or do them in the future. You lay off the friend thing and he can stop the cursing.
MimiMcG
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I'm sorry you had to deal with a big fight that seems so silly, but Honestly, IMO you both have some work to do. He is right and so are you. If you know he is sensitive about statements like that, then do say them. It sounds like he was reacting to that statement (albeit, he was reacting in appropriately) but why go out of your way to embarrass him. He is not acting like a 2nd grader if this is something that really upsets him. I don't want to make you feel bad, because, I am guilty of the same things, we all are, we all say things that we perceive as innocent, but to others they are offensive.
Mel329
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Re: Need some Advice...
Thanks girls for your advice. I guess I do need to watch what I say. He is very sensitive about alot of things. I honestly didn't know that the friends comment was one of those thing he was sensitive about, but now I know. And you are right about him with cursing at me. I feel like he has been losing his temper more easily lately and I know he is stressed at work, but it doesn't give him a reason to act like that. I guess him and I will need to have a talk. Sometimes I wonder though, how many times can you have the same conversation and nothing still happens afterwards.
MF9282
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Re: Need some Advice...
I can undrstand little things set certain people off but the tone and language is COMPLETELY uncalled for and he should NOT be speaking to his future wife this way. You have every reason to be upset and mad.
HamptonsBride
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Re: Need some Advice...
Well I tell FH that i get tired of some of the 'joking' things he says...even though he may be kidding sometimes what he says is hurtful and he doesn't realize it...and i think that your comment, although you are kidding, may be a touchy or insecure subject for him...but what he should've said after your uncle left was 'honey, i wish you wouldn't say things like that...i know you are just kidding but it makes me feel stupid and I don't appreciate that'....respecting each others feelings and validating them are important...so you can't tell him he doesn't have a right to get upset if you are just kidding...you need to say 'i am sorry that that bothered you, i was only kidding and apologize for hurting your feelings, i didn't realize it did'.
I feel it's also important to never put each other down or criticise each other in front of others, even family and friends...can you tell I watch Dr. Phil? hahaha...good luck
diva7531
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Re: Need some Advice...
Posted by laural2979
I'm really sorry that you're going through this and I'm going to give you an honest answer. I really hope that you don't take offense to this. It sounds to me like you're the one who was being disrespectful to FH. It sounds like he's really sensitive about the topic of his friends and you probably shouldn't joke around about it. It was wrong of him to curse at you, but it looks like you did the same thing back to him so how can he know that you don't appreciate this behavior? You guys should probably just sit down and have a talk about all of the fights that you've had recently and figure out why it became such a blow up.
Good luck!
Took the words out of my mouth. If this is a one time thing, then it happened it's over move on, but if as you say is recurring then you both need to have a long talk, now before anymore hurtful things are said.
AMGBride2008
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Posted by dplehat
I think you are both wrong. Cursing at eachother and saying hurtful things are never acceptable behavior. As pp said, to you the friends thing may be a harmless joke but it obviously hurts him. You should talk about the different things that bother each of you and try not to say or do them in the future. You lay off the friend thing and he can stop the cursing.
I agree... you both know each other's hot buttons, so when one pushes a button, the automatic response from the other is to push back. Think before you speak...
werock0709
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I hate to admit this, but I'm like your FH . I'm working on it, but some things just SET ME OFF on a tangent. In NO way am I condoning it's right, but everyone is different. Luckily I'm working on it with a professional, cause it's NOT RIGHT.
charisma
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the pressure of the upcoming wedding can be the cause...FH and I are dealing with the same thing....we were on our way to see The Color Purple and we fought all the way there...for absolutely no reason...
eunicsd006
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Re: Need some Advice...
first some hugss but ur just as much in fault as ur fh is......i kno wat ur going through i used to do the same thing u are doing and it took me some time to realize that i did something wrong...that is wat u need to do is admit that ur doing something wrong...i would apologize and be more careful in wat u say....as for ur fh ur not spychic..he does need to speak up and let u kno how he feels without letting his feelings get the best of him......if u both work at it u guys will be fine.......i would def bring it upo and talk about it not argue...hope everything goes well....
mskittynj
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Re: Need some Advice...
Everyone has a different personality and gets mad over certain things. You guys need to sit and talk about things that make each other mad (he doesn't like it when you said he has no friends, you don't like it when he curses at you) If you know what you say MIGHT offend him in any way, try not to do it. I know you meant it as a joke but you saw he took it very personally. That's the only advice I can give you is you both should talk and tell each other how you feel. Relationships are HARD! You have to work at it everyday!!! XOXOXO Kitty
Mel329
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Thanks girls for all the advice. I really appreciate it. When he gets home tonight, hopefully we can sit down and TALK about things. I see what I did was wrong, but he should have told me that it bothered him and not screamed and cursed at me. I also think there are underlying things that need to be talked about as well. I thank you for all the advice.
PegaLega
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As much as I think youare right for being upset with him for blowing up and cursing at you...take it from someone to treasures and the holds the few VERY close friends she has VERY dear to her heart. I know and have many friends...but there is only ahand full I would say I would walk the earth for...FH however has a gazillion and one friends and he constantly says 'thats because you have like 5 friends' and I can say that I want to beat the #hit out of him everytime he says it.
'its better to die with enough friends you can count on one hand then more then you can remember'
It wasnt fair of you to say that but it wasnt fair of him to curse and blow up at you
