Need some advice

When we first started the planning, my parents were adamant about making DH's parents pay for the wedding (per asian tradition, the groom's side pays). They didn't want me to have to pay for any of it since I just got out of school and had massive amounts in loans.

DH and I felt bad about forcing his parents to pay and wanted to try to pay for everything ourselves. This lead to numerous fights between my parents and I and it got so bad that my mom literally forced me to PLEDGE to make DH's parents pay for everything. So we basically told a little white lie and told my parents that DH's parents would pay for it all. (they did give us a good amount of $$ for us to dip into just in case)

So fast forward to a few days before the wedding. my parents start freaking out about not having pitched in for the wedding. They started saying how DH's parents will talk crap about them to all of their guests (which they would never do)...and how DH's parents will resent them for not pitching in (again, they totally didn't care about helping us out). And then my parents decided they wanted to pay for their half of the reception....so that DH's parents don't say bad things about them. We refused it (since everything was already paid for at that point).

Then the night before the wedding, my parents give me their wedding gift. And it's a check for the aforementioned amount. i tried to refuse it, but they insisted, so I accepted it and thanked them and was so grateful for that. But then my mom started telling me all the things I have to tell DH's parents......that I should tell them they gave us a generous gift...and the amount that they gave us, etc.

I didn't end up telling dh's parents on the day of the wedding because i had so much going on. Right after the wedding, my mom came up to me and asked whether or not I told Dh's parents how much they gave me. I said no. My mom got upset and started nagging me...tell me that i HAVE to tell them how much I received from them...blah blah blah.

And then started the guilt trips. The deep sighs....and if i'd ask what's wrong, I'd get answers like, 'well, it's just that now we don't have any money'. Or 'I wish we could go on vacation, but we don't have any money'...'i'd like to do this and that, but we don't have any money'. And then the constant reminders to tell DH's family how much they gave us (how do you even bring that up...'oh...btw, my parents gave me $xxx?').

i keep trying to give the money back, but they won't take it...but then my mom keeps up with the guilt trips and it almost seems like they gave us the gift only so they can prove somethign to DH's parents.

I mean, don't get me wrong...i know it was extremely generous of them and I am very grateful....but I had such a hard time even putting it in the bank. I only did it becauase I was afraid i'd lose the check.

what would you do with the $$$?

that's a tough situation to be in. but i agree with u there is no real way to just be like oh my parents gave me xxxx amount as a gift. maybe u can give dh's family something or some of the $ as a gift on behalf of your parents? i dunno if that would be a good idea.

if your mom keeps saying oh we dont have money to do this or that would she accept a vacation from you as a gift? that way ure spending it but on something that they want???

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Posted by snowcutie82

that's a tough situation to be in. but i agree with u there is no real way to just be like oh my parents gave me xxxx amount as a gift. maybe u can give dh's family something or some of the $ as a gift on behalf of your parents? i dunno if that would be a good idea.

if your mom keeps saying oh we dont have money to do this or that would she accept a vacation from you as a gift? that way ure spending it but on something that they want???

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i also agree....
no need for the guilt trips.. but how do u tell DH's family.. yeah awkard...

i woudl give it back as a gift to DH's family or to ur parents.

why would she give it to DH's family? didn't they not pay for the wedding?

I'd insist that your parents take back whatever you want them to, or treat them to a great vacation

im sorry jen
i agree with Jess about what to tell them, but i would also tell your mom that she should not have given it to you if she is going to constantly remind you of what she CANT do now because of it

sorry

Personally, if I didn't need the money I'd put it in the bank and wait for my parents' next big anniversary or some type of occasion and give the money back to them by either writing them a check or sending them on vacation. I'd also probably stop asking what's wrong whenever my parents sigh because I know how certain people in my family are..it's hard to describe, but they'll keep sighing and sighing and as long as you don't ask them what's wrong..they won't lay on the guilt trip.. does that make any sense?

the whole money thing is really hard..I feel like certain members of my family try to flaunt how much money they've spent on jewelry (for the tea ceremony)..it's a cultural thing..and while i felt uncomfortable being paraded around and pointed at, the other members of my family knew that it was the old school/traditional way of thinking and didn't take offense.

do you think your parents would talk to your husband's parents about the gift? if not..you could always claim you told your husband's parents or if your husband's parents are really understanding maybe you could somehow bring it up to them that your parents want them to know that they helped out with the wedding ??

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Posted by KickinDandelions

Personally, if I didn't need the money I'd put it in the bank and wait for my parents' next big anniversary or some type of occasion and give the money back to them by either writing them a check or sending them on vacation. I'd also probably stop asking what's wrong whenever my parents sigh because I know how certain people in my family are..it's hard to describe, but they'll keep sighing and sighing and as long as you don't ask them what's wrong..they won't lay on the guilt trip.. does that make any sense?

the whole money thing is really hard..I feel like certain members of my family try to flaunt how much money they've spent on jewelry (for the tea ceremony)..it's a cultural thing..and while i felt uncomfortable being paraded around and pointed at, the other members of my family knew that it was the old school/traditional way of thinking and didn't take offense.

do you think your parents would talk to your husband's parents about the gift? if not..you could always claim you told your husband's parents or if your husband's parents are really understanding maybe you could somehow bring it up to them that your parents want them to know that they helped out with the wedding ??

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thanks everyone!! i think I'll probably plan a trip for them somewhere.

but yeah, kickindandelions, it's totally the cultural thing...the whole saving face thing.

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Personally, if I didn't need the money I'd put it in the bank and wait for my parents' next big anniversary or some type of occasion and give the money back to them by either writing them a check or sending them on vacation. I'd also probably stop asking what's wrong whenever my parents sigh because I know how certain people in my family are..it's hard to describe, but they'll keep sighing and sighing and as long as you don't ask them what's wrong..they won't lay on the guilt trip.. does that make any sense?

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This is good advice. Just keep the money in a separate account and give it back to them (in chunks if need be) if they need it. Like keeping it in permanent escrow for all intents and purposes. In addition to funding vacations or a special event for them, maybe you also use it to help them out on expenditures they already planned, like home renovations or health care. That whole Asian 'taking care of parents' concept.

I'm afraid I disagree with the advice about giving it to charity or your DH's parents if for no other reason than your own sanity. If they lay the guilt trips on this thick now, when you, their daughter has the money, think of how bad they'll be if they find out the money's been given away.

ETA--clarification.

I was also going to say put the $$ is some sort of savings account and then if you are still uncomfortable about it/ mom keeps bringing it up- give it back to them as a gift. Hopefully she gets over it soon & just puts it to rest!!! $$ is always a tough thing to deal with, especially with family...

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Posted by jenlen
thanks everyone!! i think I'll probably plan a trip for them somewhere.

but yeah, kickindandelions, it's totally the cultural thing...the whole saving face thing.

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yea..it's something that i semi-understand but not really..i guess it's because my parents were born here...so while FH and i are trying to follow most of the customs laid out by the older people in our family, we're trying harder not to let it drive us crazy

good luck!!!


BTW, jenlen, i'm going to the king of prussia mall on sunday to find my MOH and BM dresses! isn't that your state?!

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Posted by KickinDandelions

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Posted by jenlen
thanks everyone!! i think I'll probably plan a trip for them somewhere.

but yeah, kickindandelions, it's totally the cultural thing...the whole saving face thing.

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yea..it's something that i semi-understand but not really..i guess it's because my parents were born here...so while FH and i are trying to follow most of the customs laid out by the older people in our family, we're trying harder not to let it drive us crazy

good luck!!!


BTW, jenlen, i'm going to the king of prussia mall on sunday to find my MOH and BM dresses! isn't that your state?!

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it is!!!! you're coming all the way here for that?!!! BTW, KOP mall is HUGE...have fun!!!!

yup...my MOH is going to bschool out there and i haven't visited her yet so i thought it'd be a perfect time to do a road trip! plus their jessica mcclintock store is supposed to be huge

have a great weekend! don't stress too much!