Need some advice about Mini-Destination Wedding (sorry, long)

Okay, so you girls know how I've been going crazy looking for a country inn to get married at, and how I have the whole thing visualized in my head: Closest friends and family come for rehearsal dinner and a bonfire/party Friday night, Saturday morning everyone goes out and has fun hiking, biking, fishing, golfing etc. while we get ready; Saturday afternoon-evening will be the ceremony/reception; Saturday night will be an afterparty at the pub at the inn; almost everyone will stay over Saturday night and on Sunday we'll do something fun - kayaking, tubing on the river, etc. The way I see it, it'll be like an awesome mini-vacation at a beautiful inn with tons to do and a cool party right in the middle. FH and I went to a wedding like that in Maine a few years ago and it was PERFECT. I've never seen myself getting married any other way.

Well, I found the perfect place in Connecticut, about 2 and a half hours away. It's a bit on the pricey side, but I can afford it if I get a little help from my Dad. So last night, I went out to dinner with him and my mom to show him pictures of the inn, and involve him in the planning - I don't see him too often and hate that he's not really involved, and wanted to include him. Well, it didn't go great. I showed him the pictures, and he said some nice things about how pretty it was, and then asked how much rooms are for the night. Well, they're $200 a night, with a 2-night minimum for the main property (where wedding party and close family would stay), and $140 a night for the property on the other side of the lawn (where our friends would stay). The first thing he said was, 'Who is going to want to spend over $400 to come to the wedding? Plus paying for the trip up there, and the party dresses, and your wedding gift? That's a lot to ask.' Then he said a few more nice things about the inn, and that was it - we started talking about TV shows or something.

What I'm really upset about is - he's right. It's just, everyone's been so supportive, so positive, that not one person in the two months I've been engaged and searching desperately for an inn has said ANYTHING negative about the idea. And now, here's the one of the people whose opinions matter most to me, basically calling me selfish. Telling me I'm unrealistic to place this burden on people, and that I'm going to have a much smaller wedding than I'd anticipated because so many people will not be able to come. When we went to that wedding in Maine, we didn't grumble once about the distance (and it was 8 hours!) or the price of the rooms (also about $200 a night). We saw it as a romantic getaway with tons to do, and were really excited about going. So... am I unusual? Everyone I tell about the inn sounds excited and says they'll totally be there - are they just telling me what I want to hear, and might back out when the time comes? Am I really selfish? All I know is, for the past 3 weeks since I first saw this place, it's all I could think about and I knew for sure that this was what I wanted, and since last night I've been crying, feeling like this selfish witch who is inconveniencing and p*ssing off all the people she loves, forcing them to shoulder this expense they're going to be mad about.

Sorry this was so long, but I really needed to vent, and would like some unbiased opinions. So really - what do you all think?

yes i think its an expense but do i think it will stop people from going NO.

My wedding is in east bumble F@@K as FH calls it. But your providing a place for them to stay and they know what they are getting into before the wedding. It is ture that you could very well have a smaller then anticipated wedding b/c some people just really may not be able to afford it.

But your close friends and family im sure wouldnt miss it for the world they love you and want to spend your special day with you.

I hope this helps you!!
Dont feel bad that your being selfish.. its ok its YOUR DAY your supposed to be slefish!!!

Dont cry it will be ok. As long as you and FH are happy with the place it will all be ok.

Dava, your Dad is right and wrong.

I'm with you, I would not grumble about going to a destination wedding. I would love to take time off off work, hang out at a beautiful inn in Conneticut - spend some quality time with my FH and celebrate your wedding with you.

That's us though, we're young, have decent careers, love to go away, etc. Can I say the same for my 45 yr old aunt and uncle with twins? Not at all. Bottom line is, it's the same for every wedding. The people who want to be there, will be. I don't think you should sacrifice your dream wedding because you will regret it. Telling your grandchildren 50 yrs from now - 'we had our wedding at a wedding factory on Long Island and it was great BUT what I really wanted to have was this... '

Perhaps you can talk to the inn owners about the 2-night minimum. I think if people had the option of spending only one night - your wedding night - it would be less costly. Good luck Dava, I hope this works out for you....

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Posted by LuvMyAlfonse

Dava, your Dad is right and wrong.

I'm with you, I would not grumble about going to a destination wedding. I would love to take time off off work, hang out at a beautiful inn in Conneticut - spend some quality time with my FH and celebrate your wedding with you.

That's us though, we're young, have decent careers, love to go away, etc. Can I say the same for my 45 yr old aunt and uncle with twins? Not at all. Bottom line is, it's the same for every wedding. The people who want to be there, will be. I don't think you should sacrifice your dream wedding because you will regret it. Telling your grandchildren 50 yrs from now - 'we had our wedding at a wedding factory on Long Island and it was great BUT what I really wanted to have was this... '

Perhaps you can talk to the inn owners about the 2-night minimum. I think if people had the option of spending only one night - your wedding night - it would be less costly. Good luck Dava, I hope this works out for you....

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Very well said Jenn! I totally agree with that!

Speak with the owners some more about the $$, book it, and send an early Save-the-Date! That way, you can speak with your guests about it, and they'll be prepared to spend the $. There's AMPLE time to save $400 or even $600... IMO, that's nothing to worry too much about. People are having destination weddings outside of the country and are asking their guests to spend near $2000...and it works out! It's your wedding... go for it!

Yes, a few may miss out because of kids, etc... but if they want to be there, they have more than enough time to secure a sitter for that weekend. Might you be able to speak with the inn managers about discounts for those with large families (more than 1 kid...)?

I don't think you're being 'selfish'... that's definitely not the word... you're doing something that you, your FH and your guests will enjoy! It truly sounds like it'd be worth while!

Dava, don't be discouraged!!!

Thanks so much, ladies. I just spoke with my mom and she assured me that my dad didn't mean to be so negative; he was just trying to let me know that I might have a smaller wedding than I'd anticipated because not everyone will be able to spend the time/money to come. She also told me the same thing you guys are - that this is my wedding, and it's what I really want, and I'd regret it if I did it differently. She also told me that since all I do is spend day and night looking at wedding websites and magazines and talking about wedding stuff that I'm hypersensitive to any comment that comes my way. Ouch! But... again, I think she's right.

I think I just feel funny, because normally in life I'm pretty easygoing - I hate to stir up trouble and will pretty much just go along with whatever makes it easier for everyone (I'm a NIGHTMARE to plan a night out with - one of those people who's like, 'oh, i don't care where we go for dinner; anywhere you want will be fine...'). So this is one time where I'm like, THIS is what I want, and if you're not okay with it, I don't care, it's MY wedding and I'll do what I please. So weird for me!

I'm like that too ('whatever you want... I don't mind).

But yea... your mom is right.

Have you considered having it on a holiday weekend? Perhaps, July 5th since guests would take the 4th (Friday) off being that it's a holiday...?

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Posted by JeanineP2B

I'm like that too ('whatever you want... I don't mind).

But yea... your mom is right.

Have you considered having it on a holiday weekend? Perhaps, July 5th since guests would take the 4th (Friday) off being that it's a holiday...?

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thats a good idea!

You know Dava since you are usually so laid-back and easygoing, probably more people will want to do this for you. Like Jeanine said, send your STDs out early, also include a website and give details on cost and such so people will know they need to save...

And you're definitely hypersensitive about any comments made about your wedding planning - regardless of who says them, what they say, if they're right or wrong, etc. I know I am. I cried when FH told me something about planning our e-party. He was like, 'are you PMSing? What the heck is wrong with you?'

Don't sweat it Dava, what your feeling is normal. Not for nothing - as helpful as this site is, it makes it more stressful to plan your own wedding. Everything that everyone else does is perfect and beautiful, you want something different that's perfect and beautiful. It's almost as if it's a competition - who has the best ideas, best flowers, best RH, etc. Take some time away from wedding planning, LIW, everything wedding related - even for just a day. Re-group and get your thoughts together. YOUR thoughts, not your parents, your friends, ours..........your own. You will do what's best for you. Be strong Dava!!! Everything will work out!

Thanks for the advice. You are all so nice, really.

I think you're right, Jenn, I do need to take some time off from wedding planning. It's just hard, because my FH works on weekends, and I work full time and go to grad school at night, so this wedding stuff is usually a way for me to 'get away from it all' and de-stress. But so much of it is also stressful! I think I'll feel so much better once I've finally decided that this is the place, and sign the contract, and feel like I've actually got a piece of the puzzle solved. I'll have to pencil in a day off... how's three weeks from thursday sound?

i think ur right u need some time off.. FH and i were doing nothing but fighting about the wedding cuz hes getting his dream wedding im not. So i've just come to terms that its both of our days and i need to learn to compromise. So after we booked the hall. we have decided to not do anyhing that has to do with planning till after the new year! i know it sounds silly but we jumpped right into wedding planning we didnt enjoy being engaged! so take a brake! it will all work out !!! if u need anything just FM im always up for listening to others problems instead of my own

Davaaaaa dava davaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

Hi honey. Ok. So you've searched for HOW LONG for the PERFECT place? And you've FINALLY found it, right???? And wait...WHO is getting married? Youuuuuuuu!

I went through the exact same thing about 2 months ago when I wanted to do a DW. My parents talked me out of it. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Parents have to play devils advocate. They have to show you other other side of the coin. But having a wedding in the Bahamas is far different than having a wedding in Connecticut. As you already said, your family is coming from all areas of the country. So they're going to travel no matter what. Yes, you might not have as many people as you want...but then again, were you expecting everyone to come? For me, that was the upside! 'YAY! Now, Aunt Crochety won't come to our wedding in the Bahamas!'

It's going to eat away at you. Because you have a good heart, and you don't want to inconvenience people. But at the same time, this is the ONE time that you get to be selfish in life, because this day is ALL ABOUT YOU.

Many hugs - and I say go for it!!!

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Posted by beachbum05

Davaaaaa dava davaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

Hi honey. Ok. So you've searched for HOW LONG for the PERFECT place? And you've FINALLY found it, right???? And wait...WHO is getting married? Youuuuuuuu!

I went through the exact same thing about 2 months ago when I wanted to do a DW. My parents talked me out of it. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Parents have to play devils advocate. They have to show you other other side of the coin. But having a wedding in the Bahamas is far different than having a wedding in Connecticut. As you already said, your family is coming from all areas of the country. So they're going to travel no matter what. Yes, you might not have as many people as you want...but then again, were you expecting everyone to come? For me, that was the upside! 'YAY! Now, Aunt Crochety won't come to our wedding in the Bahamas!'

It's going to eat away at you. Because you have a good heart, and you don't want to inconvenience people. But at the same time, this is the ONE time that you get to be selfish in life, because this day is ALL ABOUT YOU.

Many hugs - and I say go for it!!!

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couldnt have said it better myself!

Dava, all of the girls already gave you great advice.

Definitely consider taking some time away from the wedding planning and relax. When you're ready to take on the planning again, first thing, try and haggle a little with the manager at the inn... perhaps if you guarantee a certain # of people he can bump the price down OR have a 1 night minimum instead. Are there any other hotels or inns near the RH that are a little less expensive that you can offer your guests? Explore all options and don't leave any stone unturned. We're here to help you out .:hug

I would hate to see all of your excitement and hard work flushed down the drain just to appease your guests. It's your wedding, and I always say and truly believe that people will come and will be willing to spend a few extra bucks.

Take it easy girl, try and relax and don't give up yet!