Need some advice...sorry, really long

I know I haven't posted in a while (and I am STILL working on my review!) but it has been really busy since the wedding.

I feel like I only seem to post whenever I need advice..but you ladies have been so great that I'm going to ask again! So here goes:

As a background: I have had a really bad time at work in the last few months..mainly stemming from my bosses lack of honesty, respect and loyalty to me. I am a very loyal and honest person and trust is the thing that I value most. I feel like I can't trust anyone at work, which may be why I reacted to my husband in the following way:

I am financially sound (fortunately) and have never had to worry about not being able to pay rent or bills etc. My husband has never had that luxury. He became fiscally responsible for his check-bouncing, out for herself mother and brother when he was 24 (10 years ago) and got deeply into debt because of it. I can understand that...and I love him dearly because he did do everything he could for them. We've had many talks about the finance issue since he was never open about how bad it was. I spent countless hours figuring out repayment plans for him and his family and creating budgets etc. I even let him settle his major outstanding loans with our wedding money. The only thing I asked of him in return is that he pay back our savings and that he be honest with me from now on.

Well...this weekend, I discovered that he had overdrawn his account (we have separate finances) and didn't tell me...even when he had an opportunity. I feel like he betrayed me by keeping that secret. The only thing I have ever asked of him is honesty and he betrayed that. I feel like I've lost trust in him...even though he's done everything he can since then to be open and tell me about his finances.
I'm just not sure if I can regain my trust in him. I suggested going to a marriage counsellor and he agreed.

Do you girls think we should go to counselling? Any ideas on what I should do?

Thanks for listening!

unfortunately - i think money is one of those things that, with a marriage, becomes very difficult. you two are used to taking care of yourselves and not used to having to worry about another person in a 'binding' way - him responsible for you, you responsible for him as a husband and wife team, a cohesive family. I also think it may be better for you two to work things out and open a joint account, so you can really feel like your in things together. maybe keep your separate accts open for a couple months and gradually move thigns into just the one. (thats what we did and when we finally agreed on everything we felt we needed to agree on, we closed our separate)

your husband might have been embarassed to tell you about overdrawing since you seem to be more responsible....i wouldnt focus to much on that being a 'betrayal' although i can understand why you feel that way. try to focus more on getting yourselves in a spot where you can be open and honest about finances - TOGETHER.

it will work out. money issues are sucky.

i think you have the right idea and you are being very responsible.
unfortunately, money is the number one cause for problems in marriages. I think that just letting this go would be the wrong thing to do, especially since you place a high value on honesty.
good luck!

I'm thinking maybe he felt bad telling you he had overdrawn his account since you are so responsible and have helped him so much in the past. And maybe he wanted you to not worry or think 'here we go again' etc. But that's just me guessing at the situation.

Fact of the matter is, like everyone said, money is the # 1 cause of issues in a relationship. Honestly is the best policy when it comes to this. But I think the issue here is less honesty related and more money-management related. If you feel you need to go to a counselor, go! But I think it would benefit your DH to go to a money management type seminar.

In my and DH's case, we're both equally responsible about paying our bills etc. However, I like to spend money and he likes to save it. I mean, I like to save too, but I will buy something for us, or for our place if I like it and feel that we need it. Dh is more the kind of person that if you REALLLLLLLLY need something you get it. So we're trying to compromise on things and also set up a budget. We really should have done it already, but time flies and we have different schedules. But it's important.

Good luck!!!

I don't think you should be too harsh with him for this one mistake (which it probably was...a mistake), especially if much of it stems from his family's actions in the first place......i know many men, DH included who just don't take the time to balance a checkbook and rather rely on the good old balance at the ATM to see if they have the $ forgettting that checks are in the mail, etc.

My Dh just over drew the other day...but no biggie...we have overdarft protection for that reason & made sure to transfer the amount back to avoid finance charges. Do i wish DH was better with money...YES! But i also know he is human.

Try not to take it personally...i bet he was hoping he could fix it before you found out he 'messed up' and probably didn't want to disappoint you. I doubt he was intentionally being deceitful...which is what you should sit down & talk to him about. Tell him how you feel and how his actions made you feel...but also allow him the opportunity to explain. Good luck!

I think you are doing the right thing. As someone who has been in his place, he might have been scared, even though he loves you. I don't think he was trying to be deceitful, but he also might just need to be more responsible. A marriage counselor can help figure out what was going through his head, and maybe a financial adviser would be advisable to help teach him money management!

But I see your point. I was overdrawn this week, and immediately told DH. He understood and put money in my account. You should explain to him why he should have told you the truth. Personally, I think he might have been afraid to dissapoint you. Sounds like he really needs to do a program about finances to teach him-he might have terrible money management techniques and might need some help with that!

HTH

Thank you all for your advice! I appreciate it!

I know that he loves me and is afraid to disappoint me. He's really upset that he hurt me. I just want to try to get us help to fix things before they get worse.

I think the advice about him going to a financial counsellor is a great one.

Thanks everyone!!

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Posted by tiggsnme

I know I haven't posted in a while (and I am STILL working on my review!) but it has been really busy since the wedding.

I feel like I only seem to post whenever I need advice..but you ladies have been so great that I'm going to ask again! So here goes:

As a background: I have had a really bad time at work in the last few months..mainly stemming from my bosses lack of honesty, respect and loyalty to me. I am a very loyal and honest person and trust is the thing that I value most. I feel like I can't trust anyone at work, which may be why I reacted to my husband in the following way:

I am financially sound (fortunately) and have never had to worry about not being able to pay rent or bills etc. My husband has never had that luxury. He became fiscally responsible for his check-bouncing, out for herself mother and brother when he was 24 (10 years ago) and got deeply into debt because of it. I can understand that...and I love him dearly because he did do everything he could for them. We've had many talks about the finance issue since he was never open about how bad it was. I spent countless hours figuring out repayment plans for him and his family and creating budgets etc. I even let him settle his major outstanding loans with our wedding money. The only thing I asked of him in return is that he pay back our savings and that he be honest with me from now on.

Well...this weekend, I discovered that he had overdrawn his account (we have separate finances) and didn't tell me...even when he had an opportunity. I feel like he betrayed me by keeping that secret. The only thing I have ever asked of him is honesty and he betrayed that. I feel like I've lost trust in him...even though he's done everything he can since then to be open and tell me about his finances.
I'm just not sure if I can regain my trust in him. I suggested going to a marriage counsellor and he agreed.

Do you girls think we should go to counselling? Any ideas on what I should do?

Thanks for listening!

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Why don't you try a financial planner first...someone who will stay on top of him and monitor everything he does with his money. If that doesn't work then you can think about counseling. JMO