My mom was not involved much (at all) w/ the wedding planning process. She demanded she have reserved tables, she walk (be introduced) by her brother, do a unity candle. None of which bothered me all that much excpet for the assigned seating, which I wasn't going to do. Anyways...she hates my dad. As much as she can deny it, she does. She never remarried, she's pretty much miserable in life (job, personal life, etc). So DH gave speech @ reception. He started it off by thanking my mom, who we live across the street from. he proceeded to thank his 3 dads (mine, his & step) and saying 'above all I respect Lee (my dad) most.' OH Jesus did that ever set my mom off. DH was comparing the dad's (that's a whole nother story) not my dad to my mom! She didn't see it that way. Needless to say she sent me a nasty email on my honeymoon, left the reception early (in tears) and I haven't heard from her since. here's her email. She's super sensitive and I don't know how to react to her. I wrote her a 2 page reply, but did not send it b/c it was super nasty which is how I feel right now. Help me mend this relationship. From mom: You said I should have gotten up and said a few words at the reception. What I needed was you to include me as a special person in your life; I shouldn't have had to say anything. My heart is broken. I have been hurt many times in my life. This was the worst. I felt like an outsider at the reception. It was like nothing I did in your life mattered at all. You did not even recognize the fact I was there. When you spoke, you never even mentioned me and that was embarrassing. I missed you leaving the hotel and the photos because I didn't even know it was going on. I guess it all started when I was told I wouldn't be going to the rehearsal. Richie, although he mentioned my name gave all the praise to your father - why?? Then, he at least came over to me and tried to make me feel better and danced. I thank him for that. I felt alone, hurt and abandoned by my daughter whom I love so very much. I thought I had paid enough money to equal what your father paid. I guess I didn't. And, I guess I didn't make much of an impression during your life. I'm sure you didn't even realize I wasn't at the party following the reception. Your father has not changed a bit and maybe some day you will see that. It was a very sad day for me.
j2911
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Re: Need to vent about mom & need advice...
i was so sad reading your post... its terrible that your mom felt that way...is that her in your pictures dancing with dh? she looked like she was having a good time... i understand how it is to have a strained relationship with a parent, it is so hard because you love them but cant understand why they act the way they do, in ways that hurt you... i dont know what you wrote in your letter to her but you said it wasnt nice... my opinion is do not send it, re write it. it breaks my heart to think she is not happy with her life and job and on top of all that is alone and her husband remarried, its all too much for a person.. in my situation, it is my dad, and i let him know how i feel at times in a nasty way, but then i always feel bad, and i pretty much think that with this kind of thing, she's your mom no matter what and you really just have to put up with her, if she's already miserable with other things, as her daughter, you have to try your best to be good to her and to make your relationship something she can be happy about in her life.. if things were good between the both of you, other things in her life would probably start to change for the better too JMO
dplehat
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Re: Need to vent about mom & need advice...
Wow talk about a drama queen. I am so sorry you had to come home to that message. It is good you didn't stoop to her level and send the nasty gram. She is trying to make you feel guilty and you did nothing wrong. If you want to try to mend things. Only apologize for the fact that she felt her feelings were hurt. Don't admit any wrong doing because you did nothing wrong.
MJDoc12
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Re: Need to vent about mom & need advice...
wow that stinks. i really don't have any advice for you--cause it seems like this is a situation that has been going on for awhile, and there's a lot going on.
perhaps wait a day or two and e-mail or call her back---when you are not so angry? it definitely seems like she is just very bitter about your dad and is taking this out on you.
heatherandrichie
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Re: Need to vent about mom & need advice...
Thanks ladies. I agree it has more to do w/ my dad than me. We had a fine realtionship before this drama, or so I thought. She kept telling me how 'ungrateful' I was. I agree w/ the above. She's my mom, she's older & I just have to deal with the way she is and try to build from there. Thanks ladies
Mmnnng
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Re: Need to vent about mom & need advice...
I'm having mama drama issues too...
What is it about the fact that it was your day that they do not get?? You didn't mean to hurt anyone, but frankly if mom and dad can't be civil, then thats their problem and if shes still bitter, then I'm sorry but i know how you feel. (My bro hasn't spoken to my mother in 11 years since my parents got divorced..I don't even think he could tell you why anymore).
Bad mouthing your father is such a childish thing. Not for anything, but traditionally it is the father who gets most of the attention during a wedding of his daughter. I'm sure you've told your mom that you appreciate what you did, why was public acknowledgement so necessary? Who did she need to impress?
Sometimes people just don't know how to put thier own wants/needs aside for a bit and let someone else shine. Its so sad, especially when its your own family.
I am so sorry you are going through this! Don't ever let it make you regret anything about your wedding day! You did the best you could and if she didn't feel appreciated enough, then frankly that is her own self-worth issue. My mother keeps doing the same thing, bringing up what she did in the past to try to make the point about how she should have what she wants at my wedding. Its insane!
I hope you can work it all out, but please keep only the good memories about your day...you did nothing wrong!
B22
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Re: Need to vent about mom & need advice...
wow. I am so sorry you have to deal with that... I dont have any advice to give, but please dont let her make you feel as though you did anythign wrong.
it was your wedding day, you shouldnt be made to feel any kind of regret
rkl1130
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Re: Need to vent about mom & need advice...
Wow! I am so sorry that you are going through this.
Don't send the letter right away. They usually say that you should give it a day or two before you send a letter written in anger. Wait a little bit.
It doesn't sound like it really has anything to do with you, but more your dad. You did nothing wrong and you shouldn't be made to feel regretful about your wedding day.
luna bride x
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Re: Need to vent about mom & need advice...
Posted by carolinep24
wow. I am so sorry you have to deal with that... I dont have any advice to give, but please dont let her make you feel as though you did anythign wrong.
it was your wedding day, you shouldnt be made to feel any kind of regret
i totally agree!
cookiemonster
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Re: Need to vent about mom & need advice...
Ouch. I'm so sorry you're stuck in this bad situation. I'm no psychologist, but it sounds to me from reading your mom's message that she is a very unhappy and insecure person who never really moved on with her life. She is attacking you for things you have no control over, and throwing you in the middle of whatever issues she has with your dad (which unfortunately happens all too often to children of divorced parents). She is obviously jealous of the relationship you have with your father and trying to hurt you because she feels hurt by you (for reasons that are totally not your fault!).
You are lucky to have a good relationship with your father and hopefully things will blow over with your mom. As far as repairing the relationship, you might want to try meeting face to face. People tend to say things they regret over email because they don't have to face the person (seems like what your mom is doing). You were right not to stoop to that level and you're completely justified to feel hurt.
daniebc16
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Re: Need to vent about mom & need advice...
Honestly, it sounds like she is taking out the hurt she feels about her divorce on you, which is the number one no no in parenting. However, since this is your mother and you recongize the fact that the feelings she has toward you probably stem from some deep rooted hurt, she is your mother. Do not send her a nasty letter or email...go to her house with flowers and talk to her. This issue runs deeper then you and maybe she needs someone to talk to, perhaps professionally. Think about, she never remarried, she hates her job etc. It isn't about you really, it is about her, and until she is happy with herself she is going to be super sensitive and insecure. She is obviously still very hurt about your father and it sounds like she just wants to be loved, I honestly feel horribly for her. However, it also does not give her the right to take away from your happiness. IMO you both need to put things on the table, but gently.
Ann 52409
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Re: Need to vent about mom & need advice...
I'm sorry you had to go through this.. i think it is obvious that this is more about your dad then about you. I cant believe she couldn't wait for your honeymoon to be over, that is selfish to try to interupt your fun and make you feel guilty. dont send the letter but, maybe you should talk to her and let her know that you do appreciate her.
jtgarsik
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Re: Need to vent about mom & need advice...
Posted by misbran
I'm having mama drama issues too...
Sometimes people just don't know how to put thier own wants/needs aside for a bit and let someone else shine. Its so sad, especially when its your own family.
I hope you can work it all out, but please keep only the good memories about your day...you did nothing wrong!
I just have to add a little vent/sorta regret here. After i turned 18, i learned a LOT about my father...and he completely turned into pretty much a monster after being father of the year (or so i thought) for atleast 16 years of my life. ANYWAYS, so of course my mom has a lot of angst towards him...and rightfully so. My mother has been my hero & my best friend my entire life. so to make a long story short, it comes time for my wedding and yes I had my dad walk me down the aisle(i actually wanted them both too, but my mom said she wanted to watch me come down). So throughout planning I knew i wanted my mom to be involved in giving me away....especially since she had whole lot more to give me away from than my father in my eyes. After contemplating i came up with the idea for my father to walk me down, my mother to meet us at the end, and when they ask 'Who gives this bride away', for my MOTHER to answer 'Her father and I do' (or something along those lines) ....this way my mom was really giving me away, but my father was still included since he was my 'daddy' from when i was little up untill he decided to turn into a big fat jerk/drug addict/alcoholic/whatever else u can think of! ANYWAY, my mom said 'well then technically 'I'M' not giving you away....we both are. I might as well just stay in my seat'....i was beyond speechless. However it was close to my wedding day, i was confused and stressed over what to do... I even talked to my pastor about it. THEN we came up with the idea that my father would walk me down, give me to my mother, and my mother would give me away. At the time it seemed great, especially since everything my father had put us through the last few years.... but now i look back at it and could honestly cry. He was my father throughout my entire childhood...and no mistakes that he makes now(although hard to deal with) could ever take that away.....I heard that my dad actually asked my mom 'I wanna know why I wasnt involved in giving my daughter away'.... it's honestly a HUGE regret. So after this long rant, my advice to other brides out there???? LISTEN TO YOUR HEART and DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. At the time, i was looking to ease things and make sure everyone was happy and that there was no 'Drama'.... but now i cant even watch that part of my video....It really is something that upsets me, and i feel like it was my mother saying 'haha' to my father...which i know isn't necessarily true but still. I know my mom was honored, but i feel as though my dad sat helpless in the pew and watched as his only little girl be given away. Which yes, maybe was a good lesson for the person he's let himself become learn, but it's the one thing of my beautiful gorgous day that i regret. thanks for the rant! grrrrr....
jtgarsik
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Re: Need to vent about mom & need advice...
ps: after my long rant(lol).... you've done absolutely NOTHING wrong....AT ALL. it's terrible that u had to come home to that. I think u need to have a heart to heart with ur mom when you're done being angry.....maybe even write a new letter because then u can get everything out that u need to without fighting or interruption. prayers, thoughts and hugs! it's such a shame that all this drama has to go on in our lives!!!!!
Mich0621
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Re: Need to vent about mom & need advice...
Don't let it get to you...your mother acted innapropriately...she sounds like a narcisist (sp?)! You did nothing wrong, and she should not stress you like this!
LeslieMike
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Re: Need to vent about mom & need advice...
I can sympathize with you! Your mom sounds very similar to FH's mom. She just cant be happy for us, its constantly a jealousy thing with her! She doesn't like FH and me doing anything with MY mom, who by the way lives in Pittsburgh, and I already only see her once or twice a year! I get anxiety thinking about what is going to happen on our wedding day. AND, FH's parents aren't paying for ANYTHING, yet they get mad if we don't involve them in the planning! My mom is! So, technically I don't think they get much say at all!
Anyway, I'm so sorry that happened! Just know you aren't alone! Here, we'll have a drink and just be happy for ourselves!!! Cheers!
