Need to vent! I don't get this .... (long .. sorry!)
christine1221
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Need to vent! I don't get this .... (long .. sorry!)
I've been so upset over this ...
What is it with people who come to a wedding and do not bring a gift?! FI's friends are apparently known for this appalling behavior ... I can't ever imagine going to a wedding and not bringing a gift ... I'd be so embarrased!
Apparently, they wait to send a gift until the next time they see each other, which may be 6 months later. There seems to be some confusion over the 1 year rule ... but we understand it to apply to invited guests who do NOT attend the reception.
We are paying for every penny ourselves & not skimping in any way ... I hate to make it seem like its all about the $$$$, but we've spent soooo much for this, I'd like to at least break even .... we just don't want to be in debt forever over it.
Am I being petty about this?
OctBride03
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Re: Need to vent! I don't get this .... (long .. sorry!)
I don't think it's petty. It's actually sad that people do that! A friend of my parent's daughter, got cards with IOU's in it!!! Can you believe that?! Some people have no class. I understand some people don't have the money to pay for their own plate, but something should be given. Now I sound petty and snotty.. But I guess that's JMO.
Sorry if I offended anyone.
abc7077
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Re: Need to vent! I don't get this .... (long .. sorry!)
I am going to FLIP out on Saturday if someone comes and doesn't give a gift!!! HOW RUDE can you be!!!
Paiz
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Re: Need to vent! I don't get this .... (long .. sorry!)
I know it's not supposed to be about the $$ and generally, it isn't, but I don't think anyone wants to go into debt over their wedding. IMO it is pretty horrible to come empty handed. No one is saying they have to break their bank either, but if not $$ then something!
The same thing happened to my FSIL! A girl who BEGGED her daily to invite her to the wedding came with NOTHING - not even a card!
nrvbrd
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Re: Need to vent! I don't get this .... (long .. sorry!)
I TOTALLY agree with you. I was just having a discussion with a friend of mine about this. It was more about monetary contributions. I feel if you are going as a couple you should contribute no less than $200- he says it is what you can afford.
I think when coming to a wedding people should take into consideration how much work effort and yes $$$$ the bride and groom put into entertaining you and your gift should reflect that.
As crass as this sounds, Fh and I already are predicting who will not give a gift.
ChristineC68
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Re: Need to vent! I don't get this .... (long .. sorry!)
You can't look at the wedding as a way to recover expenses related to the wedding. It won't happen and you may end up resenting the fact they are there so try to let it go.
Also, your guests did not choose the type of wedding you are having and had no input in the expense that goes into planning the wedding. They should not feel they are required to give a certain amount because of the venue, band choice, etc.
No one is obligated to bring a gift. It's a celebration and you invited them to celebrate with you. 'they' say all guests have a year to send a gift. They being ettiquette experts that are quoted all over wedding boards:)
But I also think a card is appropriate to express their good wishes.
Sorry if I sound harsh - I know I would never attend a wedding without bringing a gift, but I know there are others that think differently.
blushingbride2003
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Re: Need to vent! I don't get this .... (long .. sorry!)
I think it's utterly rude to show up at a wedding empty handed! I hate showing up at someone's home empty handed so I can't even imagine doing that at a wedding. I don't think anyone at our wedding would do that, but I don't think everyone will give enough to cover their plate. It was our decision to spend that much per person, so I'm not expecting everyone to fork over that amount.
nrvbrd
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Re: Need to vent! I don't get this .... (long .. sorry!)
Christine,
I am not looking to recover expenses from my wedding, nor am I planning a wedding out of my means, I am being very practical if anything, however I think if you are invited to a wedding and nine times out of 10 you are bringing someone(s) you should not come emptyhanded. My girlfriend received $50 in an envelope from a couple, I think that is inexcusable.
I was raised never to go anywhere emptyhanded. If I go to someone' s house for dinner, i bring a bottle of wine or dessert. If I go to any type of party, shower etc, I always bring something, that is just an act of good breeding.
Crisco718
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Re: Need to vent! I don't get this .... (long .. sorry!)
I hate to say this, but who is the wedding for? Whose day is it? Yes we do entertain and feed guests, but that's the point they are guests!!!! While I do not believe in showing up empty handed, we can not expect every guest to give gifts equating to how much we paid for them to be there. Do not go into this thinking that you will recoup what you put out. I am inviting people that I want to share in my day. I could invite people that would give better gifts, but these people are not the most important to me.
Sonicstef
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Re: Need to vent! I don't get this .... (long .. sorry!)
FYI: The one year rule applies to ALL GUESTS - not just the ones who dont come to the reception.
To be honest, I dont think there is anything wrong with coming to a wedding empty handed provided that a gift does come in the near future. 6 months will fly by and the late gift will be a nice surprise.
ChristineC68
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Re: Need to vent! I don't get this .... (long .. sorry!)
nrvbrd,
I do all the things you mentioned - I do not go to someone's house empty handed and dont go to a party such as this without a gift. I agree 100% with that.
But I will never dictate what I think is an appropriate gift from someone. Everyone does what they think is appropriate and what they are able to do.
I just think a bride is setting herself up for disppointment when they expect everyone to do what is consider is the right thing, I just don't think it will happen.
Edited to say - I was answering the original poster. And I am not judging what people spend on their weddings and whether or not they can afford it. You spend what you want to spend.
christine1221
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Re: Need to vent! I don't get this .... (long .. sorry!)
I hear you ... and have wrestled with both sides of this ....
I think the thing that bothers me is that these are the CLOSEST friends he has. I would never invite guests based on their ability to give a gift ... our intention was to share our day with those we love.
However, when we've been to countless parties, weddings, christenings, first birthdays, sent cards, calls etc. it seems insensitive that THOSE people should come empty handed.
I was not raised, nor was he, to ever go anywhere w/o a gift ... even when we couldn't afford to bring one! We have been more than generous with time & money ... its hurtful to think that it may not be reciprocated.
In the end, our day will be about us & it represents only one day in our lives.
All in all, I'm grateful to get it off my chest now, instead of it bothering me for the next 2 1/2 weeks! Thanks to you all for your input!
KimmieG
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Re: Need to vent! I don't get this .... (long .. sorry!)
I also dont think you should 'expect ' to break even. Your spending the money to celebrate and have your friends and family as guests to celebrate with you. I also agree it would be nice to recieve a present 6 monthes later
ddunne23
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Re: Need to vent! I don't get this .... (long .. sorry!)
I personally would not be that offended if someone showed up empty handed since the gift may be in the mail, or may be coming at a later date. And that IS acceptable etiquette. And personally, I am not in a financial situation where I can attend all the weddings of my friends and give hundred plus dollars to each. And yes, I would love to be able to write a check for $300 or whatever for everyone, but then I wouldn't be able to pay my student loans. And I personally think it is rude of the bride and groom to expect someone to at least 'cover their plate'... You chose the $150 a head meal that you wanted to share with your guests, so to expect they will cover their cost is almost the same as giving them a bill for the end of the night with what they owe. C'mon girls, it's not about the money. Sure...it's a great added bonus, don't get me wrong, but the day has a deeper meaning then that.
Claud2001
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Re: Need to vent! I don't get this .... (long .. sorry!)
Just stating my opinion here....I think it's wrong to throw a party of ANY kind (not just a wedding) and expect to 'break even' on your expenses. I think it is petty to focus on money, especially since there is no guarantee that the gifts you receive will be monetary. Throw the party b/c you want to celebrate your marriage with the people you love.
As an aside, I don't think it's wise to go into debt b/c of the wedding. No one should expect guests to pay for their wedding. People give gifts based on what they can afford. It's true, there are exceptions, and some people have very bad manners. No one can control that. Some people use certain 'rules' when deciding what to give, such as 'covering their plates' or 'give what their family gave you.' Personally, I do not believe in that mentality - I am as generous as I can possibly be without putting myself in debt.
You have to remember that your guests have their own financial situations to be concerned with. Monetary gifts are customary in NY, but not mandatory.
Betty
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Re: Need to vent! I don't get this .... (long .. sorry!)
I think it is rude when people don't bring ANY gift. I don't expect to come even close to breaking even but I feel a guest should bring something. I understand people travel and such so I don't expect anything big, just a token of Congrats, even if it is a SMALL gift. JMO
