Need your advice (very of long) UPDATED 9/19/05

So I have a BM that has been 'less that interested' in being in my wedding. I asked her about a month after we got engaged and she appeared to be happy. We hugged, blah blah blah. But since then, she hasnt mentioned ANYTHING about my wedding. I even write stuff about it in e-mails to her, but she dosent respond to anything I mention about it. A few months ago I invited all of the BM's and my mom, FMIL, and my godmother to the bridal shop to try on the BM's dresses (just to make sure everyone liked it and it looks good on everyone and to have all of the girls meet). Then we were going to make an afternoon of it and go for lunch. So this one particular BM e-mails me and says that she cant make it because she made plans to go out with her parents in the afternoon. Im like, 'oh ok, no problem'. I come to find out that she was sitting home all afternoon while her boyfriend washed her car ...PS---she lives with her boyfriend NEXT DOOR to my Fh!!! So FH told me what was going on.

So...thats just a short story about how she has been acting about the wedding...

So tonight we get together and we go to the mall and then to dinner. When we are walking through the mall to the car she says to me 'Are you sure you want me to be in your wedding??'... Im say 'well, I asked you because you are my friend'..she says 'well, I just feel like the other girls are your 'close' friends and your family'...I am like 'well, I have two of my friends, you, and the rest are family but you dont HAVE to be in the wedding if you dont want to be. Dont feel obligated'..she says 'no, thats okay'....Ummm, HELLO!!! THATS OKAY!!?? So thats the end of the conversation because we walked into a store and got distracted...

So now I need advice. Where do I go from here? I have been tossing around asking her to NOT be in the wedding for a while since she has been 'less that interested' in being in the wedding or knowing about the wedding at all. I have a feeling she is going to be 'the one' that gives my MOH a hard time about the shower and bachelorette party. She is the kind her person that LOVES to do things through e-mail....so I'm considering writing her an e-mail. But what do I say?? HELP!!


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Ok so I send BM an e-mail this afternoon explaining that there is no obligation to be in the wedding and she dosent have to be in it if she dosent want to. I said that I need to know because I have to inform all of my vendors how many girls I am having. I also explained that she dosent seem that interested in the wedding and that I want to have people with me on that day who can share in my excitement. Blah blah blah...all of that....

She calls me and leaves me a voicemail saying that she dosent want to be in the wedding party because she feels that 'the other girls are closer' to me and that I 'see them more often and hang out with them more often'. She says 'I hope you arent mad, but you said you wouldnt be in your e-mail' (which I am not mad..I just want to know where she stands). She asks me to call her back..so I did..I got her voicemail and asked her to call me. I'll fill you in on any other updates that I may get

Lets see.... Okay, first of all I would have a serious talk with her. There might be some reason for her behavior (like she said she might feel that you don't really want her and just asked her out of obligation), she also might not be able to afford it, she might be jealous that your getting married, or she might just not know how to be a bm (I have one of those!).

I would also say point blank 'you don't really seem to show any interest in my wedding, is there a reason for that?'

I have a bm who really shows no interest, the reason is, she is totally self absorbed, I knew this when I asked her. Next Sat all my girls and I are going bm dress shopping, and out to dinner. At first she wasn't sure if she could make it, I asked a MONTH in advance and she said 'I can't really tell you what I'm doing then' I told her if she doesn't come then she will have to get the dress on her own, then I told her after dress shopping, we would go out to dinner. She has decided to come dress shopping 'since I really want to make sure the dress looks good on me' but she won't be coming to dinner because her friend is having a party. it hurts my feelings but I kind of knew what I was getting myself into. She's my friend and that's just how she is.

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Posted by esb980

Lets see.... Okay, first of all I would have a serious talk with her. There might be some reason for her behavior (like she said she might feel that you don't really want her and just asked her out of obligation), she also might not be able to afford it, she might be jealous that your getting married, or she might just not know how to be a bm (I have one of those!).

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Ok--this is true..but to be honest with you I think she dosent want to be in the bridal party because FH didnt ask her boyfriend to her in the BP. I know she has the money (not that I check her account but she is shopping at coach all the time) and I know she is not uncomfortable being a BM. Thats the only thing I can come up with. Plus--I dont think its cause 'Im having mostly family' like she says..I cant tell you how many times she has said to me 'You are like a sister to me'

It sounds like you don't want her. Maybe it's because you're hurt by her behavior? Listen, it is YOUR wedding, certain things are expected when you say yes to being a bm. Sit her down, tell her how you feel, and if you don't like what she has to say, simply say 'look, I feel like this is a hassle for you, I don't want to feel that way, maybe it would be better if you weren't my bm' but this may end your friendship.... I once dropped out of a wedding, and needless to say, we are no longer friends! THINK about this very seriously!! You asked her for a reason, do you want to potentially END a friendship in a e-mail? TALK TO HER! If anything, you'll feel completely justified when you have to boot her a$$ ORRRRRR maybe you can work it out!! That's just my (forceful ) opinion!