Hi, many of you may remember my post from yesterday about my BM who backed out due to financial reasons. I am deeply hurt because in the past 2 years she got married and had a baby and I was there every step of the way and now I feel like she is not reciprocating our friendship. I didn't have the money when she got married and had a baby but I managed to find a way (thats what you do) I want to write her an email letting her know that I am not mad but am hurt but don't want to start a fight. How should I go about this?? Should I even bother? I feel that if I don't get it off my chest then I will avoid talking to her and I don't want that to happen.
TIA
TracyInQueens
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Re: Need your help with what to say to X-BM
You want to salvage the friendship, but is it worth it? You have every right to be not only hurt, but mad too.
But if you do really want her as a friend, then you should just tell her what you wrote in your post, that you are very hurt and need to express that to her for the sake of the friendship. But there's a danger that she might get defensive and mad at you.
CubanBride
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Re: Need your help with what to say to X-BM
I think you should put yourself in her shoes for a moment. If you were her and read that email, how would you feel?
Think about it then make the decision.
Honestly, I don't think you have a right to be mad. She can't afford to go to your wedding. It's not that she is not going. I mean, is she doing other things that would be considered negative toward your friendship or is that the only thing? I don't know the whole story but it seems that this can't be the only thing that happened that made you mad.
MRSJLK
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Re: Need your help with what to say to X-BM
But there's a danger that she might get defensive and mad at you.
She definitly will get defensive and mad. That is the type of person she is. That is why I am hesitant on saying anything. But then I feel like if I don't say anything I am being walked on.
MRSJLK
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Re: Need your help with what to say to X-BM
Posted by CubanBride
I think you should put yourself in her shoes for a moment. If you were her and read that email, how would you feel?
Think about it then make the decision.
I tried doing that and the thing is that I would never do that to my friend. Especially after all they have done for me. I would find and have found ways to be there for them like they have for me - that is what makes me so sad about it
CubanBride
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Re: Need your help with what to say to X-BM
Posted by Soontobekunz I tried doing that and the thing is that I would never do that to my friend. Especially after all they have done for me. I would find and have found ways to be there for them like they have for me - that is what makes me so sad about it
That's the thing, she isn't doing this to you intentionally. She can't afford it. Why do youthink that is an attack on you. She has a child, and I am sure other responsibilities. I don't know her money situation but obviously she feels that she can not give you her all so she is not participating. To me THAT is a real friend. I wouldn't participate either if I knew I couldn't be there 100%. And that is what you need, people to be there for you 100%, not 50%. Would you really want her struggling with money in order to satisfy your needs? Is that really what you want?
Here's a test, why not ask her to do something that doesn't require money, like do a reading? This way, if she says no, then you will know that it is something else going and not just her money problems.
MRSJLK
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Re: Need your help with what to say to X-BM
Posted by CubanBride
Posted by Soontobekunz I tried doing that and the thing is that I would never do that to my friend. Especially after all they have done for me. I would find and have found ways to be there for them like they have for me - that is what makes me so sad about it
I understand where you are coming from, and it's not that I am mad I am Hurt and I feel that I have every right to feel that way. I understand that she has a lot of finacial strain - so did I when she got married and I was able to find a way - and I really don't want to make it about money - it's about our friendship and it makes me sad that she won't be there like I was there for her. And there are always ways around the finacial part of being a BM
I understand where you are coming from, and it's not that I am mad I am Hurt and I feel that I have every right to feel that way. I understand that she has a lot of finacial strain - so did I when she got married and I was able to find a way - and I really don't want to make it about money - it's about our friendship and it makes me sad that she won't be there like I was there for her. And there are always ways around the finacial part of being a BM
tray831
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Re: Need your help with what to say to X-BM
Well, ME, I would say something........regardless of how they would react --- If I have something on my chest, I would have to say something whether its an email or letter, b/c otherwise, I will dwell on it and dwell on it and make myself absolutley insane.
So I would be honest.......spill your beans!!! And Hey, if she gets mad, then let her be, you have to think about you--and if that requires you to clear your head, then Do It! Trust me once that email is written, after reading it ten times before you send it, you will Feel so much better! I cannot even explain it to you----the 30 pounds of brick just gets lifted!
MRSJLK
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Re: Need your help with what to say to X-BM
Posted by tray831
Well, ME, I would say something........regardless of how they would react --- If I have something on my chest, I would have to say something whether its an email or letter, b/c otherwise, I will dwell on it and dwell on it and make myself absolutley insane.
So I would be honest.......spill your beans!!! And Hey, if she gets mad, then let her be, you have to think about you--and if that requires you to clear your head, then Do It! Trust me once that email is written, after reading it ten times before you send it, you will Feel so much better! I cannot even explain it to you----the 30 pounds of brick just gets lifted!
Thank you, I am in process of writing the email, and I already feel better.
Jmg11
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Re: Need your help with what to say to X-BM
I am sorry you are going through this - it is terrible and I know it makes you sad.
BUT I have to agree with CubanBride. there are plenty of posts on this site about a pain in the *** BM or wanting to kick the girl out or what not. In my opinion she is doing you a favor and saving you a lot of aggravation by taking herself out of a situation that makes her uncomfortable. If she can't afford it - she can't afford it.
I think maybe the bigger issue is your friendsip with her. Are you feeling that her backing out is a sign of her feelings for you? If so, then maybe say that to her - 'I understand you can't afford it - I appreciate your honesty - but I want to make sure everything is cool with us and this has nothing to do with our friendship' kind of a thing.
CubanBride
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Re: Need your help with what to say to X-BM
Posted by Soontobekunz I understand where you are coming from, and it's not that I am mad I am Hurt and I feel that I have every right to feel that way. I understand that she has a lot of finacial strain - so did I when she got married and I was able to find a way - and I really don't want to make it about money - it's about our friendship and it makes me sad that she won't be there like I was there for her. And there are always ways around the finacial part of being a BM
Well you have the total right to be hurt. We all want our closest friends to be there on our special day. If my MOH said she couldn't be there, I would be very hurt and disappointed.
If you really want her to be a BM, how about trying some things with her..what about splitting the costs. If that won't work, what about asking her to do a special reading. As a friend, she can be a part of your wedding and be there for you without having the added expenses.
In the mean time, tell her how you feel, but let her know you understand that she cannot afford certain things. Ask her if there is a way to work around the expenses and have her participate in your wedding. Explain how important she is to you and that you want her there.
