Non supportive BM

Hi Ladies,
I am new to LIWeddings. My date is June 30. I asked one of my friends to be a BM and she responds by saying 'I guess I dont mind being a bridesmaid.' . Then months later she complains about the dresses, the shoes, my honeymoon choice and everytime I call to chat, she has a ton of questions, but listens to my answers for 2 seconds then talks about her own vowel renewal celebration. (She didnt have a formal wedding)
Part of the problem is I havent been so good in the past with keeping the communication up, but I have been trying to reconnect with her for about a year now. I think she still is upset with me not keeping in contact with her, but I have apoligized and tried to make it right. She doesnt call to check on me like the other BM, and she told my MOH that she feels like I just asked her to be in it b/c I needed more people. I reassured her a long time ago that I dont want just anyone in the wedding I wanted my friends.

I am feeling like she is jealous and still has a lot of maturing to do. I dont want drama on my wedding day, what should i do?

Sorry you're having this experience! I think you should just be honest with her and tell her that you really wanted her to be a part of your wedding and that she means a lot to you, but that you're hurt by her complaining and it makes you think she doesn't want to participate. Good luck!

P.S. Welcome to the boards!

Thanks. I didnt think about the memories I think I will just have a heart to heart with her. Thanks for the advice

i also have a 'complainer' in the BP. I eventually just asked her if she really wanted to be in the wedding, or if she'd rather just be a guest. She decided to stay in, but I think the conversation at least brought her behavior to her attention. Hopefully made her think a little bit about how her lack of enthusiasm was affecting me.
good luck!

You know she hasnt been a bridesmaid before, so she prob doesnt know what that entails. I will keep you all posted on the conversation. This site is so wonderful. I dont even live in LI or New York for that matter, but you ladies are so great that I had to join.

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Posted by EastEndBride

i also have a 'complainer' in the BP. I eventually just asked her if she really wanted to be in the wedding, or if she'd rather just be a guest. She decided to stay in, but I think the conversation at least brought her behavior to her attention. Hopefully made her think a little bit about how her lack of enthusiasm was affecting me.
good luck!

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I am thinking of having the same conversation with my BM who is a complainer and making everything difficult.

OYE! I was there... I agree with the other girls for the most part. try having a heart to heart. If she is a true friend, she will understand. I will say one thing and forgive me for beign the 'voice of doom.'

I had to cut my former MOH. My best friend (current MOH) was getting married 2 weeks after me so didnt want to put pressure on her to buy dress etc. So I went with a hildhood friend. We came from diff worlds (im a teacher who likes the suburbs and she is a waitress by choice-waiting to be 'discovered' while living like sEX IN THE CITY, paycheck to paycheck.) But she helped me pick out the dress and all was ok...Until the diva came out in ehr. long story short, she criticized and snubbed EVERY SINGLE decision I made, even going so far as to call my CP ideas TACKY and my taste in BM dresses horrendus.

I tried talking to her seveal times. Aftr the last insult I waited for her to call and apologize. She never did. I didnt hear from her for THREE MONTHS until she sent me a texta message of all things, demanding the list for the bridal shower. We had it out and she refused to 'repent' or agree that it was my day and not hers. She hung up on me and we havent spoken since (though HER MOTHER did call me that night and I had to shut her down)

I am not saying this will happen with your BM and I pray it won't. But just keep in mind talking to her will probably open up a whole other can of worms. make sure you are ready for it emotionally.

I agree--have a heart to heart with her. Even though you haven't been good at communicating with her in the past, you have tried to make amends and make a concerted effort to let her know that it means a lot to you to have her a part of your day. If it jealousy that she can't get over, then there really isn't much you can do about it.

You should not be made to feel like that.

Yes, I agree. You either have to confront it head on or just accept your friend for who she is and tolerate her behavior.

I am going through the same thing and decided to confront my BM as to why she is not partaking in the bachelorette weekend and I have nto gotten a response from her. I think I am going to ask her if she is still up for being in the wedding party because I'd rather her drop out now if she is not into it than later.

There is no easy way around it. This is an emotional time and I think it really hurts when people you care about don't rise up to the occasion.

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Posted by MrsP2007

You know she hasnt been a bridesmaid before, so she prob doesnt know what that entails. I will keep you all posted on the conversation. This site is so wonderful. I dont even live in LI or New York for that matter, but you ladies are so great that I had to join.

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You have a point...she might not know what it entails!!

I agree with much of the aforementioned posts...a quick heart to heart...just straight out.. r u sure u still want to be in it and her behavior should straighten out!

GL and WELCOME!!!!!

ok, so this might sound really weird but i have been that bridesmaid... Or at least the bride thought I was.

If you do a talk do it face to face and avoid emails. SOoooo Much can be miss read through email.

I felt like a throw off friend because I was at the back of the line and not paired up with any of my guy friends. I thought we were really good friends and I was really hurt and because of that somewhat disintrested in the wedding. ( I still offered ot help and let her talk though and pretended to be really excited)

She told me that wasn't the way it was but instead of just saying, no your not show her how she is not. Make her feel like she is part of your day for a reason.

Yeah, its hard. its your day not hers and you should not need to justify to someone why she is in your wedding party but Weddings are the BIGGEST distroyer of friendships. I know thats all I would have needed. A little reassurace goes a long way.

hi there!

I absolutely understand your situation. as I was in a similar situation... it's not easy. My advice to you is... if you feel in heart that this person is not happy for you, then cut her loose. You don't need any negative energy around you during the planning process nor on your wedding day. I wish I took my own advice.. but I suffered the conquences of leaving this person in my bridal party and she burnt me and my husband really bad on our wedding day. have no pity on no one if they don't care about you.

fm if you wanna talk.. and if you want the details as to what happened on my wedding day and what took place during the wedding planning process.

take care
chrissy

Great news! I had a talk with her and she didnt realize she was being non supportive and thought I was in the wrong for getting upset with her questions. Anyway we had a good conversation, and she decided she would step down. I havent talked to her since, but we said we would remain friends.