NWR: For anyone with kids or social workers or teachers

FallBride2010 Posted: Jan 27, 2010 05:13 PM

NWR: For anyone with kids or social workers or teachers

Sorry, need to vent...and a bit of advice.

For some reason, every single Wed (not sure what's up with Wed), FH's son lies to me about something. Two weeks ago it was about trading a toy with his friend, last week it was about eating something off his sister's sock (i know gross)...and today...he told me he lost recess for not bringing his homework home last night. After mentioning I had to call the teacher about something...he must have realized he was going to get caught and then told me he 'forgot' he didnt really lose recess. And after 30 minutes of probing...he created this story b/c he thought I would make the teacher take away recess if she hadnt already.

Anyway, bottom lines, it's always some ridiculous lie that takes me threatening to throw out every single toys he owns before he fesses up.

How do I handle this? I seriously wanted to throw a glass at his head today. Ok...obviously I wasnt going to do that...but the lies make me crazy.It's one after another. No punishment solves the problem. And it's been going on forever!! He's only 10 now...but my concern is what he will lie about 5 years from now.

Any advice on how to deter lying?

AwaitingAugust Posted: Jan 27, 2010 05:18 PM

Re: NWR: For anyone with kids or social workers or teachers

i don't have any qualifications to be able to answer this question, but i'm going to try anyhow

it sounds like he is lying to avoid bad things from happening to him (like having you call the teacher to remove his recess) ... could you show him somehow that you wouldn't actually do that?

FallBride2010 Posted: Jan 27, 2010 05:23 PM

Re: NWR: For anyone with kids or social workers or teachers

Posted by AwaitingAugust

i don't have any qualifications to be able to answer this question, but i'm going to try anyhow

it sounds like he is lying to avoid bad things from happening to him (like having you call the teacher to remove his recess) ... could you show him somehow that you wouldn't actually do that?

Not sure. He's clearly lying to avoid punishment of any sort. But for example...last week when he ate a piece of candy that was stuck to his sister's foot...I clearly stated he wouldnt get punished for doing it...but explained how stupid and gross it was. He continued to lie for an hour. I finally threatened to punish his sister forlying (since she was the one that told me he did it)....and that's when he finally came clean.

I'm really starting to think it's a deeper problem. Even if I say he wont get in trouble...he lies. i reminded him a million times that we get punished for lying, not telling the truth.

I'm going to end up in south oaks over this b/c it makes me nuts!

sorry for rambling!!

Spring143 Posted: Jan 27, 2010 05:38 PM

Re: NWR: For anyone with kids or social workers or teachers

does he do the same thing with his dad or is it just you

blondie24 Posted: Jan 27, 2010 05:41 PM

Re: NWR: For anyone with kids or social workers or teachers

question... he does this just every Weds??

FallBride2010 Posted: Jan 27, 2010 05:43 PM

Re: NWR: For anyone with kids or social workers or teachers

Posted by blondie24

question... he does this just every Weds??

LOL. I know it sound weird. But I remember it's always Wed b/c I always go to jenny Craig in a pissed off mood over the lies. Lately it's been every Wed.

FallBride2010 Posted: Jan 27, 2010 05:44 PM

Re: NWR: For anyone with kids or social workers or teachers

Posted by Spring143

does he do the same thing with his dad or is it just you

Mostly me. Ithink that's b/c I am around more often. I work from home a few days a week and FH doesnt get home until 7 or 8 at night. So not much opportunity to lie to him before bed time

m122409a Posted: Jan 27, 2010 05:47 PM

Re: NWR: For anyone with kids or social workers or teachers

The whole Wednesday thing has me thinking it can't be a coincidence? Is there something that he does at school only on Wednesdays or a certain activity he goes to?

blondie24 Posted: Jan 27, 2010 05:48 PM

Re: NWR: For anyone with kids or social workers or teachers

I am a teacher studying to be a school psychologist. It is important to watch kids and their patterns. For example, you were able to identify that it has been happening every Weds. There MIGHT and not saying it is the case all the time, but a child, not knowingly, but have had a past traumatic or past experience that occured around it being on a Weds which can cause him to act out every Weds. What happens right before or right after him acting out?

I know in one of the counseling sessions, there was a boy who would act out on a specific month, for example Sept... turns out his mother remarried and his father whom had passed years ago died in Sept...

I will to think of other things that come into my head... I am tired.. sorry

MerSaysEh Posted: Jan 27, 2010 06:19 PM

Re: NWR: For anyone with kids or social workers or teachers

I'm a school social worker

i can't give you a definite answer about anything but i agree it sounds like there might be something to the wednesday thing. does daddy come home later than usual tuesday or wednesday nights? he may also be testing you to see how you react to the lying.

IMO and this is kind of the strategy i take with kids, during a time when he seems most himself (so not right after one of these instances) just straight up ask him.

sit him down and say 'listen, you aren't in trouble at all but i'm a little worried about what has been doing on. i want to make sure everything is ok with you. remember these last 3 times you have lied to me about a b and c? what is this about? is something going on? can we try talking about this because it has me really concerned and i just want to help you'

kids often deal with the fact that things happen around them that impact them directly but they have no control over. give him the control by sitting down with him, explaining your concern and asking him flat out.

JMO but it does sometimes work for me!

MikesBride2B Posted: Jan 27, 2010 07:17 PM

Re: NWR: For anyone with kids or social workers or teachers

I wish I had an answer for you because then I'd have an answer for myself....FSD lies A LOT, even though she gets punished for it and we've told her 20 billion times that she is being punished twice as badly because she didn't just fess up, but instead lied to cover it up. I haven't found anything yet that helps...sorry

FallBride2010 Posted: Jan 27, 2010 07:19 PM

Re: NWR: For anyone with kids or social workers or teachers

Posted by MikesBride2B

I wish I had an answer for you because then I'd have an answer for myself....FSD lies A LOT, even though she gets punished for it and we've told her 20 billion times that she is being punished twice as badly because she didn't just fess up, but instead lied to cover it up. I haven't found anything yet that helps...sorry

I was actually hoping you had some thoughts...knowing you were in a similar situation. It's maddening. I want so badly to get along with him, but the lies instead make me want to not even speak to him. It'snot even like I am an evil step-mother. I am the one that spends the most time with them...does stuff with them etc. Oh well. If I ever solve the mystery, I will let you know

FallBride2010 Posted: Jan 27, 2010 07:20 PM

Re: NWR: For anyone with kids or social workers or teachers

Thanks, girls. The suggestions are good. I am going to try and get down to the bottom of it.Maybe tomorrow...the wounds are still too fresh. He's mad at me for punishing him,I'm mad at him. Hopefully tomorrow things are better and I can calmly discuss!!

heathery72 Posted: Jan 27, 2010 07:23 PM

Re: NWR: For anyone with kids or social workers or teachers

Is it possible that he is looking for attention? Maybe he knows you are going to leave wed night and wants attention before you leave? By him lying you have to spend all this time trying to get the truth out of him, reinforcing that behavior... Do you think thats a possibility?

drivwal Posted: Jan 27, 2010 07:37 PM

Re: NWR: For anyone with kids or social workers or teachers

I was a nanny and I dealt with a problem of the older child that I was responsible for lying about simple little things that he didn't need to lie about. How did I deal with it? I did not have long arguments with him to get the lie out....I simply spoke to him in a calm manner and explained to him exactly what would happen if I caught him lying....when the situation would come up where you normally insert a back and forth exchange trying to pull the truth out of him, I would simply cut that out and I acted out on the punishment. (My punishment was no tv for a week) I only had to do it once and bam be never lied again. You also have to be firm and consistent with the punishment. I wanted him to learn that the negative approach he was using to cry for attention, which is what the exchange seemed to be about, was not going to be tolerated. I also focused on positive reinforcement with him more often and his 'lying crap' (what i called it haha in private) completely stopped.