NWR- Gift advice - bat mitzvah and wedding

So FH and I have a wedding coming up this weekend in PA, and another OOT bat mitzvah of course 2 weeks before the wedding. The bat mitzvah peeps didn't come to my shower but are coming to the wedding, but maybe we can get away with missing the bat mitzvah..although i'd like to go.

Anyway, the wedding is a Sunday day wedding. it's at a horicultural center in Philly. The invitation was pretty informal (flat offset printing, no embellishments and a postcard reply card...with no indication of attire). So i think it's a less formal wedding. I've also heard it's a kosher vegetarian wedding.

The groom is the son for FMIL's first cousin. How much would you give as a gift? I wish I could remember what we gave his brother...His brother got married in 2004. I think we would have given $250 at that point, but maybe less since we were right out of college. For equal in relation, but much closer (I see them on holidays, etc) cousin on my side, we've given like $300-400, but those were NYC area weddings. Do you think $250 is fine, or is it too cheap? Would you go with $300?

We'll probably get the same amount right back in June anyway.

How much would you give for a bat mitzvah?

its the same side of the family. This time the granddaughter of FMIL's first cousin. I adore the parents (they are the only people of that relation who came to FFIL's funeral), but have never met the daughter. The bat mitzvah is out in CT. It's far enough we'd have to stay over because the ceremony is at 9in the morning and the party is at 6pm. Do OOT people usually go to both?

I know it should be in chai, so I was thinking $180. Is that reasonable? I've never been to a bat mitzvah before.

TIA!

Also The Wedding Envelope says 250, but I think it tends to be on the low side sometimes...

Another thing to add is that this whole side was invited to my shower and did not come...they all signed one card and did send a gift. it was like 7 women total and they gave me a gift worth $200.

I think $250-300 for the wedding is fine. It's not a close relative, and you have added costs for travel, etc. Plus, you're *hopefully* going to get it right back at your wedding.

For the Bat Mitzvah, you can give any denomination that is a multiple of Chai (meaning 'life').

So if you gave $180 that would be ten times Chai. Totally normal to give $162 or $144 as well. Doesn't have to be a round number. All of the kids that are going are giving either $36 or $54 or $72 depending on their relationship with the Bat Mitzvah'ed child.

I forget who you said this person was, but if it's close family, I'd give either $162 or $180 IMO.


HTH

Thanks! It's the relation of the wedding's kid.

So it's FMIL's first cousin's granddaughter. I love the parents, but have never met the girl. I think the $180 might be a bit high. We would have to actually stay over for this bat mitzvah.

I think maybe the $144 is better. I think the $180 might be kind of a lot.

ETA: I should add that we've been together 12 years, so that means that FH has never met the girl either.

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Posted by HSsweethearts

Thanks! It's the relation of the wedding's kid.

So it's FMIL's first cousin's granddaughter. I love the parents, but have never met the girl. I think the $180 might be a bit high. We would have to actually stay over for this bat mitzvah.

I think maybe the $144 is better. I think the $180 might be kind of a lot.

ETA: I should add that we've been together 12 years, so that means that FH has never met the girl either.

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so go with $144 then - it shows you respect their culture by acknowledging what Chai is. I'm not Jewish but 1/2 of my family is, and I know they would appreciate that. If you wanted to do a little something extra, you could always get her like a cute bracelet or something for like $5-10 at Forever21 just to make the gift a bit more personal. but you said you dont know her and neither does your FH so it's really up to you. and you have to stay overnight. families usually go to both the ceremony and the party for a Bat Mitzvah, though that's a weird time spread. When i was a kid, most of the ones I went to had a ceremony at around noon and then the party right afterwards or just a couple of hours later. oh well, at least it's in CT and you can find something to do in between since you're 'vacationing'

HTH

IMO, I would not give a gift for the wedding you're going to based on how the invitation looks. I don't think that's right - just bc it's informal, doesn't mean the whole wedding will be informal. Maybe they don't put much weight into a piece of paper that will eventually get thrown out, and saved the money for the event.

Just my honest opinion.