NWR- Help with a Freind (kinda long)

First, let me just thank those of you who will post with ideas. This is very difficult for me to share

My FH best friend will be 33 tomorrow. He is single and moved up here from South Carolina (FH and brother went to college with him in SC)

The problem is he is EXTREMELY shy, and is sort of accepting that he will never find someone. He doesn't talk much and the funny thing is he doesn't talk much to anyone. He feels he has nothing interesting to say. But when he does relax (most of the time after a few drinks) and isn't being his reserved self, people flock to him. He has been rejected so many times he has a kinda depression. We had a huge discussion/fight last night and he says 'I guess I am not going to find someone', but he's NOT ok with that. He wants to find someone, but feels defeted. He said he feels more comfortable helping others than helping himself. I understand that, I have BEEN THERE, but I guess not to that extent. He won't go talk to someone because he's 'been there, done that' and has tried the online thing.

I love this guy as if he was my brother for my whole life. Him and I can go have a great time and anyone who does hang out with him has a great time. He has so much to offer but just doesn't see it. I know I can't make him, neither can FH or his other family/friends. I just feel there is something none of us are thinking about that could help him.

This is where I think of my LIW family. I know no one may have the magical answer, but I am hoping someone out here has an idea that will lead to something. FH and I though of the speed dating thing (him to do with my sister, she's single too but has better attitude (and younger)...and he's totally comfortable with her), but where would we find this? I think that if he is in a situation where he HAS TO talk about himself, it will get easier.

Even if you don't post anything, thank you for listening. I appreciate all the support you ladies have given me.

Have a wonderful day!!!
~Lisa

Maybe the speed dating would be a good idea if he's willing to give it a try. Not sure where to find one though. I know some colleges sometimes have them but if he's not a student it wouldn't really work.

You are a good friend to be thinking of him!

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Posted by thelastMrsG

First, let me just thank those of you who will post with ideas. This is very difficult for me to share

My FH best friend will be 33 tomorrow. He is single and moved up here from South Carolina (FH and brother went to college with him in SC)

The problem is he is EXTREMELY shy, and is sort of accepting that he will never find someone. He doesn't talk much and the funny thing is he doesn't talk much to anyone. He feels he has nothing interesting to say. But when he does relax (most of the time after a few drinks) and isn't being his reserved self, people flock to him. He has been rejected so many times he has a kinda depression. We had a huge discussion/fight last night and he says 'I guess I am not going to find someone', but he's NOT ok with that. He wants to find someone, but feels defeted. He said he feels more comfortable helping others than helping himself. I understand that, I have BEEN THERE, but I guess not to that extent. He won't go talk to someone because he's 'been there, done that' and has tried the online thing.

I love this guy as if he was my brother for my whole life. Him and I can go have a great time and anyone who does hang out with him has a great time. He has so much to offer but just doesn't see it. I know I can't make him, neither can FH or his other family/friends. I just feel there is something none of us are thinking about that could help him.

This is where I think of my LIW family. I know no one may have the magical answer, but I am hoping someone out here has an idea that will lead to something. FH and I though of the speed dating thing (him to do with my sister, she's single too but has better attitude (and younger)...and he's totally comfortable with her), but where would we find this? I think that if he is in a situation where he HAS TO talk about himself, it will get easier.

Even if you don't post anything, thank you for listening. I appreciate all the support you ladies have given me.

Have a wonderful day!!!
~Lisa

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Our Son is still hurt over his breakup with his college girlfriend of four yrs. He thought they were getting married, but she moved to Hawaii, to take a teaching position. Since he has a sensitive personality, he doesn't trust women now. He'll be 30 in Dec. I don't know if this is an option for your friend, but soon after I was married, I took the Dale Carnegie Course, and it helped a lot!! Our Daughter use to be shy, and the answer for her was joining a teen singing group that did tours. Mary MOB

Thank you so much.

I hope this doesn't sound extreme but I personally think that shot term therapy might work. It sounds like he may have a form of social anxiety that can be helped with behavoiral therapy. I mean you can tell people to ' get out there' and date and meet people but I don't that it addresses his own preconcieved thoughts and notions, like 'NEVER' going to met someone and the anxiety he might having talking and getting to know people;

I have had several people take a very specifc type of talk therapy that address specific problems..so you aren there forever. It has made a world of difference in their lives and outlook on life, not to sound 'cult-y' or anything but true. Hope this helps.

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Posted by debismom

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Posted by thelastMrsG

First, let me just thank those of you who will post with ideas. This is very difficult for me to share

My FH best friend will be 33 tomorrow. He is single and moved up here from South Carolina (FH and brother went to college with him in SC)

The problem is he is EXTREMELY shy, and is sort of accepting that he will never find someone. He doesn't talk much and the funny thing is he doesn't talk much to anyone. He feels he has nothing interesting to say. But when he does relax (most of the time after a few drinks) and isn't being his reserved self, people flock to him. He has been rejected so many times he has a kinda depression. We had a huge discussion/fight last night and he says 'I guess I am not going to find someone', but he's NOT ok with that. He wants to find someone, but feels defeted. He said he feels more comfortable helping others than helping himself. I understand that, I have BEEN THERE, but I guess not to that extent. He won't go talk to someone because he's 'been there, done that' and has tried the online thing.

I love this guy as if he was my brother for my whole life. Him and I can go have a great time and anyone who does hang out with him has a great time. He has so much to offer but just doesn't see it. I know I can't make him, neither can FH or his other family/friends. I just feel there is something none of us are thinking about that could help him.

This is where I think of my LIW family. I know no one may have the magical answer, but I am hoping someone out here has an idea that will lead to something. FH and I though of the speed dating thing (him to do with my sister, she's single too but has better attitude (and younger)...and he's totally comfortable with her), but where would we find this? I think that if he is in a situation where he HAS TO talk about himself, it will get easier.

Even if you don't post anything, thank you for listening. I appreciate all the support you ladies have given me.

Have a wonderful day!!!
~Lisa

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Our Son is still hurt over his breakup with his college girlfriend of four yrs. He thought they were getting married, but she moved to Hawaii, to take a teaching position. Since he has a sensitive personality, he doesn't trust women now. He'll be 30 in Dec. I don't know if this is an option for your friend, but soon after I was married, I took the Dale Carnegie Course, and it helped a lot!! Our Daughter use to be shy, and the answer for her was joining a teen singing group that did tours. Mary MOB

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That is an AWESOME idea! And my company uses them all the time. It's so good to have mom's on here!
Do you know what the name of the course is?

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Posted by thelastMrsG

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Posted by debismom

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Posted by thelastMrsG

First, let me just thank those of you who will post with ideas. This is very difficult for me to share

My FH best friend will be 33 tomorrow. He is single and moved up here from South Carolina (FH and brother went to college with him in SC)

The problem is he is EXTREMELY shy, and is sort of accepting that he will never find someone. He doesn't talk much and the funny thing is he doesn't talk much to anyone. He feels he has nothing interesting to say. But when he does relax (most of the time after a few drinks) and isn't being his reserved self, people flock to him. He has been rejected so many times he has a kinda depression. We had a huge discussion/fight last night and he says 'I guess I am not going to find someone', but he's NOT ok with that. He wants to find someone, but feels defeted. He said he feels more comfortable helping others than helping himself. I understand that, I have BEEN THERE, but I guess not to that extent. He won't go talk to someone because he's 'been there, done that' and has tried the online thing.

I love this guy as if he was my brother for my whole life. Him and I can go have a great time and anyone who does hang out with him has a great time. He has so much to offer but just doesn't see it. I know I can't make him, neither can FH or his other family/friends. I just feel there is something none of us are thinking about that could help him.

This is where I think of my LIW family. I know no one may have the magical answer, but I am hoping someone out here has an idea that will lead to something. FH and I though of the speed dating thing (him to do with my sister, she's single too but has better attitude (and younger)...and he's totally comfortable with her), but where would we find this? I think that if he is in a situation where he HAS TO talk about himself, it will get easier.

Even if you don't post anything, thank you for listening. I appreciate all the support you ladies have given me.

Have a wonderful day!!!
~Lisa

---

Our Son is still hurt over his breakup with his college girlfriend of four yrs. He thought they were getting married, but she moved to Hawaii, to take a teaching position. Since he has a sensitive personality, he doesn't trust women now. He'll be 30 in Dec. I don't know if this is an option for your friend, but soon after I was married, I took the Dale Carnegie Course, and it helped a lot!! Our Daughter use to be shy, and the answer for her was joining a teen singing group that did tours. Mary MOB

---

That is an AWESOME idea! And my company uses them all the time. It's so good to have mom's on here!
Do you know what the name of the course is?

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Why, thank you, sweetie!! It's the Dale Carnegie Course. Should be in the phone book. Believe it or not, I use to be shy!!!!!!!!!!! HaHa!! Now I can't stop blabbing!!!! I met a lot of nice people, and we were all in the same boat!!! That's what's great about it!! Mary MOB

I agree with the above poster who said that therapy may help with some of the preconceived notions he now holds. It sounds like they're getting deep-seated enough that he might need someone trained and objective to assist him.

He may also want to get involved in activities and hobbies he his interested in so he can meet more people. I can't tell this from your post, but it is also possible that he may now have difficulty relating to women as people instead of just potential mates. He may see every single woman he comes across as someone who may reject him, instead of as a human being. The more he gets comfortable with people--particularly women--in general, the less shy he may become (although he may never be the type who dances on tables).

As for speed dating, is that something he can handle right now? Speed dating would probably be fun if he has reasonale (read: low) expectations and a positive outlook. But it sounds like he may not have that now. Can he handle getting 'rejected' (the way he may view it) by a bunch of women in a short period of time, rather than going in with a 'Heck, why not?' kind of attitude?

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Posted by BoxOfRocks

I agree with the above poster who said that therapy may help with some of the preconceived notions he now holds. It sounds like they're getting deep-seated enough that he might need someone trained and objective to assist him.

He may also want to get involved in activities and hobbies he his interested in so he can meet more people. I can't tell this from your post, but it is also possible that he may now have difficulty relating to women as people instead of just potential mates. He may see every single woman he comes across as someone who may reject him, instead of as a human being. The more he gets comfortable with people--particularly women--in general, the less shy he may become (although he may never be the type who dances on tables).

As for speed dating, is that something he can handle right now? Speed dating would probably be fun if he has reasonale (read: low) expectations and a positive outlook. But it sounds like he may not have that now. Can he handle getting 'rejected' (the way he may view it) by a bunch of women in a short period of time, rather than going in with a 'Heck, why not?' kind of attitude?

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You have some great points. He's an avid bowler (almost professional) so he was on a league. You actually had a point my FH had. He sees everything as a rejection. Since these posts, I think we are going to wait on the speed dating thing. FH and his brother (the 2 people he's closest with) are the ones that get through to him, so with these ideas, I will discuss with them. Again, thank you so much for your help!

this reminds me of my brother , who is 33. he started to go on match.com and stuff because you could speak to people via email, where you can feel comfortable, and then progress to phone calls, THEN dates, if you are comfy. my bro met a few wom,en this way and went on a lof of dates. he met one woman who he fell in love with, and they are now getting MARRIED this coming summer!!!!

perhaps you can encourage your friend to try online dating??? they have lots of sites out there, and it can't hurt to give it a shot!!!