NWR- Jokes

Anyone have any good jokes to share? i need some cheering up

Dating in 1964

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1964 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rising.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother.. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we le t her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a poodle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' her mother called as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'It's 'The Twist', Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

'The freakin' dance is called the Twist!”

here are some one liners about men...

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it!

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence!

How is being at a singles bar different from being at the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk!

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase care they have no intention of driving!

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half the time!

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE..... Men will screw anything

Why are blond jokes so short?
... So men can remember them

Lol

(What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.)

That one is AWESOME Lady J.!!!! LMAO!!!!!

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: 'Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to love, honor, obey and be faithful to her forever, I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out.

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the grooms vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: 'Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?'

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, 'Yes', then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: 'I thought we had a deal!'

The pastor put a $100 bill into the grooms hand and whispered: 'She made me a better offer.'
----
Newlywed Conversation
'Dear, don't expect the first few meals to be great. It takes time to find the right restaurant.'
----
Devoted Couple
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, 'Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?'

'I would love to,' replied the husband, 'but I don't know her well enough.'
----
Golden Wedding Anniversary
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,' explained the man. 'We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'

'We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.'

'We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.

'I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once'.'
----
The Argument
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.

'I'll admit I'm wrong,' the wife told her husband in a con-ciliatory attempt, 'if you'll admit I'm right.'

He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

'I'm wrong,' she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, 'You're right!'
----
Any married man should forget his mistakes, - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
----
Who feels better?
A husband and wife were arguing on whether males or females enjoy sex better. The husband says 'of course it's us men, why else would we be so obsessed with it?'. The his wife says, 'stick your finger in your ear and wriggle it around. What comes out feeling better, the finger or the hole?'
----
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'
----
A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the husband took off his pants. 'Put these on,' he said to his wife. She did and they were obviously much too large. 'There's no way I can wear these - they're way too big,' she said. 'Good! Now you know who wears the pants in this family,' replied the husband.

Flustered, the wife removed her panties, and handing them to her husband said, 'Put these on.' The husband looked at the tiny panties and said, 'There's no way I can get into these.' To which the wife replied, 'you're darn right! At least not until you change your attitude!'
----
Three men were at a bar. Two of the men were discussing the control they had over their wives, while the third remained uninterested.

After a short while, the two men turned to the third and asked, 'What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?' The third man turned to the first two and said, 'Well, just the other day I had her on her knees!'

The two men were dumbfounded. 'Wow that's incredible! What happened next?' they asked. The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and grumbled, 'Then she started screaming at me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'
----
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment had passed, they both managed to fall asleep - the woman on the top bunk, and the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leaned over the edge of the bunk and said, 'I'm sorry to bother you, Sir, but I am terribly cold and was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?'

The man looked up with a glint in his eye and said, 'I've got a better idea... why don't we pretend we're married?' 'Why not?!' giggled the woman. 'Good,' he replied. 'Get your own damn blanket!'
----
A nagging old woman at a party walked up to a belligerent old man and told him, 'If you were my husband I would poison your drink!' To which he replied, 'If you were my wife I would drink it!'
----
What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? About forty pounds! What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? About forty minutes!
----

70 things NOT to say to a man with a small p e n is

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. I'm sorry.
4. Never mind, why bother.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don't we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It's more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
11. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
12. It looks like a nightcrawler.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. My last boyfriend was 4' bigger.
15. It's OK, we'll work around it.
16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
20. (giggle and point)
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
24. How sweet, you brought incense.
25. This explains your car.
26. You must be a growing boy.
27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
31. Ever hear of Clearasil?
32. All right, a treasure hunt!
33. I didn't know they came that small.
34. Why is God punishing you?
35. At least this won't take long.
36. Let's just stick with your hand.
37. Do you need a splint to prop that up.
38. How interesting.
39. I never saw one like that before.
40. What do you call this?
41. But it still works right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
44. Do you take steroids?
45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your ****.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
49. Let me know when you're done.
50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
52. Aww, it's hiding.
53. Are you cold?
54. If you get me real drunk first.
55. Is that an optical illusion?
56. What is that?
57. Does this run in your family?
58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
59. Were you neutered?
60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
61. Does it come with an air pump?
62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
63. Where are the puppet strings?
64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
65. Deep throat???
66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
67. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
68. Do I hang my hat on it?
69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
70. Don't hold back.

hahahaha.. oh i needed these. thanks!

It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'


'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE ! '

And they say blondes are dumb...

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Q: What does it
mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------------------------------------

A couple is lying
in bed. The man says,

'I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies,
'I'll miss you...'
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A man and his wife,
now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.....

Whoosh...immediately he turned
90!!!

Gotta love that
fairy!
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death..
AMEN