NWR - JOKES - Six Classic Affairs
Six Classic Affairs
>
> The 1st Affair
>
> A married man was having an affair with his
> secretary.
> One day they went to her place and made love all
> afternoon.
> Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
> The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take
> his shoes
> outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
> He put on his shoes and drove home.
> 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
> 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an
> affair with my secretary.
> We had sex all afternoon.'
> She looked down at his shoes and said:'You lying
> *******!
> You've been playing golf!'
>
> The 2nd Affair
>
> A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but
> always talked about having a son. They decided to
> try one last time for the son they always wanted.
> The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby
> boy.
> The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his
> new son.
> He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever
> seen.
> He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the
> father of this baby.
> Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
> Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
> The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
> 'Not this time!'
>
> The 3rd Affair
>
> A mortician was working late one night.
> He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be
> cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz
> had the largest private part he had ever seen!
> 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented,
> 'I can't allow you to be cremated
> with such an impressive private part. It must be
> saved for posterity.'
> So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase,
> and took it home.
> 'I have something to show you won't believe' he said
> to his wife,opening his briefcase.
> 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
>
> The 4th Affair
>
> A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her
> husband
> opening the front door.
> 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
> She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him
> with talcum powder.
> 'Don't move until I tell you,'she said, ' pretend
> you're a statue.'
> 'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered
> the room.
> 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought
> one and
> I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
> No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
> Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen
> and
> returned with a sandwich and a beer.
> 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood
> like that for two days at the Smiths
> and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
>
> The 5th Affair
>
> A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and
> ordered a beer.
> 'Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent.'
> 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
> He glanced at the menu and asked:
> 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of
> wine?'
> 'A nickel,' the barman replied.
> 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
> 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
> The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
> The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your
> wife?'
> The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to
> his business down here.'
>
> The 6th Affair
>
> Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
> He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I
> must confess.'
> 'There's no need to, ' his wife replied.
> 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
> I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best
> friend, and your mother!'
> 'I know,' she replied, ' now just rest and let the
> poison work.'
>
>
> The 1st Affair
>
> A married man was having an affair with his
> secretary.
> One day they went to her place and made love all
> afternoon.
> Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
> The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take
> his shoes
> outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
> He put on his shoes and drove home.
> 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
> 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an
> affair with my secretary.
> We had sex all afternoon.'
> She looked down at his shoes and said:'You lying
> *******!
> You've been playing golf!'
>
> The 2nd Affair
>
> A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but
> always talked about having a son. They decided to
> try one last time for the son they always wanted.
> The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby
> boy.
> The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his
> new son.
> He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever
> seen.
> He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the
> father of this baby.
> Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
> Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
> The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
> 'Not this time!'
>
> The 3rd Affair
>
> A mortician was working late one night.
> He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be
> cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz
> had the largest private part he had ever seen!
> 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented,
> 'I can't allow you to be cremated
> with such an impressive private part. It must be
> saved for posterity.'
> So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase,
> and took it home.
> 'I have something to show you won't believe' he said
> to his wife,opening his briefcase.
> 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
>
> The 4th Affair
>
> A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her
> husband
> opening the front door.
> 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
> She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him
> with talcum powder.
> 'Don't move until I tell you,'she said, ' pretend
> you're a statue.'
> 'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered
> the room.
> 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought
> one and
> I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
> No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
> Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen
> and
> returned with a sandwich and a beer.
> 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood
> like that for two days at the Smiths
> and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
>
> The 5th Affair
>
> A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and
> ordered a beer.
> 'Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent.'
> 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
> He glanced at the menu and asked:
> 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of
> wine?'
> 'A nickel,' the barman replied.
> 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
> 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
> The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
> The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your
> wife?'
> The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to
> his business down here.'
>
> The 6th Affair
>
> Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
> He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I
> must confess.'
> 'There's no need to, ' his wife replied.
> 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
> I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best
> friend, and your mother!'
> 'I know,' she replied, ' now just rest and let the
> poison work.'
>
