NWR- kinda..Daddy Issues

So I need advice, and to let some steam out.

Let me give you some background. My father and mother never married (common law marraige for over a decade). When I was 5 my dad left my mother for another woman, and it was like he left me. He married his current wife (woman he left my mom for) when I was 7. I lived in the same country as he did until I was 9, then came to the states. While we lived int the same city, he was an ok dad, called, sometimes visited but never provided financial support as was his duty, although he was well off.

I have been here since 1992, and up until last yr I could count on one hand the amount of times he called, sent letters, or anything of that sort. While I was in college I needed his support (finacially) and I approached him about it, told him 'I've never asked you for a penny, and you've never given me anything, I need your help becuase mom and I cannot afford to pay for school anymore' He tells me of course, and then dissapeared on me for 2 yrs. About 4 yrs ago I found out he had cancer and decided to try and work things out. I went to visit him, spend a few days (cause I only went for a week) and we began talking on the phone more often. While he was sick I sent him a coupole of hundred dollars here and there to help with his medicine and bills cause he couldnt work. However, as soon as I get back to NY he starts asking me for money, for his family (specially for my half sister, to pay for her private school) I was so furious that I stopped talking to him for about a yr, I felt like I was an ATM and not his daughter.

Fast forward to last yr. DH and I began planning our wedding and decided it would be nice to have him come. I paid for all the Visa fees, travel and lent him half the money for his ticket. He stayed at our home, which ment that he didnt have any expences (I paid for everything). My sister also came. In January he was told that his cancer was back, and this time more aggressive, so to me it was sign- we had to make it work.
I was so excited to have him here, my mom even allowed him to give me away (she was supposed to do it with my grandad, but she herself asked that my dad be allowed to do it, so grnadpa and dad gave me aweay).

My dad came to stay for 21 days, and only spent 5 with me! Mind you, in the past 16 yrs, he has only seen me 1 and that was for less than a week. He decides to go visit everyone and their mother. and to top it off the day of the wedding he starts talking smack to DH about my mom. Saying how it was my mom's fault that he wasnt around, that my mom was abusive, that my mom this that my mom that! Aparently he doesnt get it that my beef was with him abandoning me..and not my mom...that was over 20 yrs ago.

So he leaves to go home, I express my anger to him, and he acts like am wrong, and sends me emails about how I should forgive him, that he could die, that he is sick...blah...blah...blah...

Tomorrow he is going into surgery, the Drs. are amputating the leg where his cancer is because chemo wont do anything anymore. I still have tons of anger in me, but at the same time, if he does in deed die, I dont want him to without me managing to forgive him. He has continuesly srcrwed up my life, and I think he needs to first realize that before I can truly forgive.

I am going to call him and wish him luck, i will also pray for him, but I dont think my heart will allow much more than that

Advice?

I would call and let him know you wish him the best. BUT- i feel like i would be very unhappy if I didnt make that call. This doesnt mean that you need to talk to him or have more of a relationship after this.
It seems to me like you have done mopre than your fare share in this relationship

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's not an easy situation and the pain that you are in over this is clear from your post.

The only advice that I have is to look at any offer of forgiveness you may give him as something you are doing for yourself, not something you are doing for him. Forgiveness does not have to mean forgetting how he abandoned you or acting like everything is peachy going forward.

It sounds like you have a wonderful and supportive mother and DH.

Forgiveness is the best thing you can do for yourself mentally and spiritually. If something happens to him even after all he has put you though you will not want him to go knowing you did not forgive him.. He is still your father.. And in this case you are being a WOMAN and doing what he should have done (been an adult). I could go on for days as I have personal issues that I had to put aside with family.. And trust me.. Its so hard to forgive.. But once a person is gone.. its forever he just may have a hard time accepting he did wrong... and I’m sure in his heart he wants to and understands..

Thanks ladies,

My mom is wonderful, she was so supportive through all of this and is heart broken that I am heart broken. DH is just stunned that after all I did, my dad still decides its ok to act in this way.

Sorry you are going through this but I would say whatever you decide that you should have NOOOOOOO guilt b/c you have continually gone above and beyond what anyone can do - being a biological parent does not mean that you have the right to treat someone without respect and then EXPECT forgiveness - I would call but you do not have to expect something more from yourself than you have to give - b/c if all goes well, chances are he won't honor your forgiveness and figure out what he has to do to work on your rel - it will be the same - so just know that and let your heart be guilt free

ooh i can give you ALL my daddy issues - but honestly it would engulf liw! so i wont start writing the novel lol....BUT - i will say that after all these years, i've finally realized what it's all about. You have to realize that it's NOT personal(as much as it seems like it is)...i've come to the conclusion with my father: deep down - he's KNOWS he's done wrong, has hurt me, has hurt others, has been messing up for years etc...but instead of admitting that - he keeps his pride, and he RUNS. ANYTIME i've talked to him in the past, my mother always comes up in the same way that ur father brings up yours(which is half the reason i dont really talk to him anymore)....but in all honesty it's their fear/pride/embarrassment/reality that does this. Fear of sounding weak, fear of what you will say, fear of ADMITTING he is the one to blame for all these years of heartache(because then this DOES fall on him), etc. Even thow they known it, In they're own warped world they think that as long as they keep telling you & the people around you that they're not to blame that somehow u'll still believe it and maybe they'll believe it themselves. YOUR FATHER LOVES YOU. BELIEVE me he does.....and that is why a lot of fathers cant face their children(especially their daughters) after abandoning them. You do need to forgive him....but u need to forgive him when you're ready. I've forgiven my father....he continues to hurt me on a daily basis - but i've come to the realization that at this point, the only thing i can do is love him...what he does is NOT personal...it's his own problems/addictions/etc that take priority because he has problems...u have to know that deep down your father loves you.. I've learned that just because i've forgiven him, doesn't mean that i'm not aloud to feel angry... BUT i also know that being angry/mad/everything else in a negative way isn't going to do anything but really push him further away..which is why i've chosen to just love him for what he is. When he makes me mad, i dont argue..i just tell him...'Dad - i'm mad at you right now & this is why...' etc...doesn't mean i dont love him, just means he has to put himself in check.

ANYWAYS, i hope all this has made sense/helped a little. If u ever want to throw me some FM feel free i hope all this works out for you...you should give your dad a call. Let him know u love him & that your praying...leave it at that if u want - but let him go into surgery knowing that u do care about him even if he's screwed up over the years.

You are incredibly kind for all you have done for your father. I think you should do what feel is right. Im sorry to hear about this

Thanks for everyones advice. I decided to call him, wish him luck and told I will be praying for him. He seemed to be under the impression I hate him, I told him I loved him and that is why his stupidity hurt me so much. That I wished him the best and to relax that the operation would come out just fine.

Again, thanks