NWR- Need advice for a delicate matter

My matron of honor's younger sister is pregnant & not married. This sister apparently 'skipped/forgot' a few days of taking her BCP. (Hmmm..I've forgotten myself a day here & there - but to forget a few days...seems questionable to me - but Im getting off topic here)

Anyway, my MOH when she found out 3 months ago about the pregnancy was devastated. Her sister was in the process of losing her job & when she found out she was pregnant & told her live-in BF (at the time) he told her to terminate the pregnancy & he moved out & ended the relationship. My MOH was initially upset about herself not being the 1st one pregnant and giving her parents a 'proper' grandchild. Now she feels that her sister has stolen her thunder, because my MOH has tried to do the 'right' & 'honorable' thins by getting married 1st - waiting a few years to get tenure in her job so when it was time to TTC - both she & her husband would financially be able to do so.

Now, initially my MOH wanted nothing to do with her sister's baby nor any of the planning - (i.e.) her baby shower.

Here comes my dilemma: I have now been invited to this baby shower for her sister. I feel obligated to go to give my MOH moral support - but I too am unemployed and this particular sister has always been a bit of a snob to me & my DH whenever my MOH had a party at her home. I have a hard time wanting to dig into my bare pockets to fork over a gift for her, much less attend the shower itself. I am wondering should I go & maybe just get a few baby things from the dollar store & throw them in a basket as a gesture of good faith, do I go & give just a card & no gift, or do I say I already have plans for something else that day?

In advance- I appreciate your help & advice on this.

This board has always been so helpful in the past & I am hoping that an outsider from this situation can give me some clarity on the right thing to do.

This definitely is a delicate matter since its dealing with almost 'picking' between two sisters. At first I was going to suggest you just go and tell your MOH to get over the fact that she won't be giving her parent their first grandkid and move on with her life. But then, after reading that this girl hasn't been very nice to you and your DH, AND the fact that your pinched financially, definitely do not feel obligated to go.

Just think how many people said no to your wedding, right? You don't have to attend every event!

I like your idea of going to the dollar store and sending her a little gift out of good faith. You don't owe this girl an explanation as to why you're not going. You can simply rsvp no and give her the gift saying 'I'm sorry I can't make the shower but here's a little something I wanted to get you...'

It really doesn't sound like this girl is worth your stress... you have way to many other positive things in your life to focus on!!!

in trying to maintain the peace, imo i think you should just decline attending and state you have other plans and send only a card in good faith. especially since you yourself are in financial hardship, you dont owe her anything. you will have many bigger and better issues to deal with in the future that are worth your time. dont let this girl who was never really nice to you to begin with make you stress even a little bit.
hth!

Wait is your MOH going? Is she asking you to go and support her? My friend is pregnant now and her baby sister got pregnant and is due only a few months later. She too feels like her thunder has been stolen. But she is there for her sister. I think you should encourage your MOH to go and you should go there with her. If your MOH does not she might regret it, this is her baby sister and I would bet her baby sister is somewhat scared right now, whether missing her pills was on purpose or not.

And yes, you should give some sort of gift. Why don't you find a cute outfit or blanket. It won't be that much.

Have you asked your MOH how she would feel if you werent to attend? Maybe find out from her, because she may really be looking for your support.

No matter, I'd give a small gift. If you go to Marshalls, they have nice baby things (books, even small baskets) for under $20. Get something small and a card and politely decline the invite. But before you do, I would just run it by your MOH. She may be looking for some extra moral support that day!

I would ask MOH if she really needs you there for moral support. If so, I would get a gift and attend.

Regardless of how you feel about her sister or the circumstances of her pregnancy, I think a new baby is always something to celebrate.

I would say ask the MOH if she is going.

Then see if MOH WANTS you to go.

If MOH says yes, get the girl a card witha $25 Gift certificate for Babies R US. Yes she is a Biotch, but you cant go without a gift, and a few things from the dollar store is really not nice...no matter HOW she has treated you.

Im also going to give an honest opinion about the MOH and her sister issues.

Im going to put all the stuff aside about the sister being a queen b for the moment.

Her sister is preganant, alone, no job and with a father who said 'get an abortion'. Good luck on child support.

I think your MOH can take a moment to say wow. Im getting married, I have a beautiful life. I will have kids and a home and a family. This sister has been SO desperate for the spotlight that she did ANYTHING to 'ruin' the wedding.

Like stealing her thunder.

Su*cs yeah.

But your MOH should just le it go. All this hate and being mad will do nothing for her except give her wrinkles for the wedding.

And that baby is going to need its family. Mom's obvoulsy fu*ked up. The baby is going to need some love. The baby is going to need a proper role model.

And the moment you MOH holds that baby she will fall in love. guaranteed.

So maye YOU going to the shower will be moral support for the MOH. And YOU can show some compassion and maybe MOH will take THAT lesson from YOU.

This is posted with the upmost respect. Im not saying the MOH is wrong. Im just saying that she is so angry she cant see staright. Sometimes that's what we as friends have to do...help guide in the direction of peace and happiness. (notice I did not say the RIGHT direction)

Good luck!

Just my opinion but I think its really sad that your friend feels this way. I'm sure her sister is going thru a really hard time and wishes she things didnt happen this way. Now is the time she needs her support.

To answer your question, If you aren't close to her sister---which it sounds like you guys really dont get along. I wouldn't go and I wouldn't feel obligated either. Not because of the fact that you dont agree with how she became pregnant but just for the simple fact that you are not friends with this girl.

I hope your MOH realizes that even though she doesn't agree with your sister decisions, the baby has nothing to do with all that and deserves to be loved just as much as a baby that was planned.

I think a small gift for this would be perfect...it'll show that you care and that you are there for your MOH friend. I think she'll love having you there to cheer her up and distract her

Personally I would buy a gift and go. I would go in support of the MOH friend of yours. That's what friends are for. To be there when you need them. It wouldn't be right to bail on her. If it were the other way around... you would want MOH there for you. So I think you should go.

As far as the gift/no gift.... honestly I would even give a gift. I think it's rude and tacky to show up without a gift... and even though she isn't one of your favorite people in the world... why give a reason to make yourself look bad over it? I think you should do the honorable thing here and give a gift as well. I think putting together a basket of a few things is a very nice gestrure. you don't have to go all above and beyond.. or spend a ton of money... but just a few basic items in a basket is perfect.

So my vote is yes go for support of your MOH and give a gift so you show you are the bigger person.

Also - remember the gift is kinda for her... but moreso for the baby... and honestly the baby has nothing to do with any of this.

I also just wanted to add that.... although this girl may not be the nicest person in the world... and obviously you don't seem too fond of her... what she must be going through has to be extremely difficult!

i can't imagine living with someone and getting pregnant... and when the cards are on the table he tells me to abort it then has the audacity to pack his sh*t up and move out!!! That's INSANE!! and PATHETIC!!! He is seriously a disgusting person.... and I'm sure this girl has to be DEVISTATED and INCREDIBLY hurt by his actions and lack of support during this delicate and extraordinarly emotional time. I actually have some sympathy for her... I feel bad for her. It's VERY hard to be a single mother. I'm not one... but I know what it's like because my mother is one. she's going to have a long hard road ahead of her. I'm not saying you should go out of your way to be extra nice to her... but at least maybe some compasion for it all. I know it's super easy for me to say that without knowing her or being involved. It's totally different when you're one of the characters involved.

And as far as your MOH friend being disapointed that she wasn't the first one and that she's doing it right and the sister didn't... honestly... at a certain point she is going to have to get over that and move on. It is what it is... and the baby is a completly innocent party... I just hope that baby is treated fairly in the end. Sometimes things happen in life that aren't planned for... and it's all about making the most out of every situation. So I strongly recomend MOH really getting passed it and putting a happy face on... if for anyone for the baby's sake. I get the initial shock of it all... and the feelings involved and that but the negative feelings and thoughts shouldn't linger too long or no good will ever come of it.

I wish the best to all those involved in this situation.