nwr: need some advice (really long)

ok i'll try to make this as short as possible. first a little backround info: my parents got divorced the summer before my senior year in hs.. my dad cheated, moved away to north carolina.. it was a messy divorce and my parents don't speak anymore. When my dad first moved away he would come visit us about once a month, it became less and less over time and its probably been at least 3 yrs since my brothers and i have seen him. last time he called me was my b-day 2 yrs ago.

i was cleaning my room the other day and i came across my dad's old email address so i decided what the heck and i emailed him yesterday not even expecting him to have the same email. so anyway, i just got an email back from him saying 'i'm so glad you emailed me, im so sorry for not being there for you guys, plz forgive me, etc etc'

i'm very happy to hear from him and i want to keep in touch with him bc he is my dad. but i don't know if i should mention that i'm getting married or not, i'm sure he'll ask but i don't know how to approach it bc i could never in a million yrs invite him bc i know how much it would hurt my mom and i just have a feeling that he wouldn't understand that so i just really don't know what to do.. i don't even really know what i'm asking here lol.. i guess just some opinions on the situations. its just really confusing since i haven't talked to him in so long and i just don't want to upset him.

This is just my opinion as an outside because I'm not in your shoes....

Although your dad has not been in your life for a couple of years doesn't mean that he doesnt care for you....who knows all the years that he didn't call you,email you send you a card/note made him realize what he did was wrong. And yes in the years that he has not heard from you he could've at least called you, phone works both ways but we are all humans and we all make mistakes. As far as your mom, I think she should put her feelings aside for that day, for you because if you really want to invite your dad, you should be able to without feeling guilty about hurting her feelings. It's not like you are going to sit them together or expect them to get back together. I hope it makes what I'm trying to say. And maybe you should talk to your mom prior and explain to her exactly how you feel.

Hope that helps and Good luck.

This is a toughie....I think you should talk about it with your mom before you tell him. I think that will help you with your decision on if you should tell him/invite him.
Also actions speak louder than words, so if all your dad is doing is writing, that's a great first step, see if he tries to become more of a figure in your life. This is definitely going to take a lot of time and deliberation, just make sure you're focusing on YOUR feelings over this equal to moms. Good luck.

I would def. tell him. He is still your dad and was an active part of your life until you were what, 17, 18 years old? Maybe this would bridge that gap you've had the past few years. Your mom would understand that regardless of his faults in the past, he is still your father. I had an awesome relationship with my daddy until he passed away in Feb. and would seriously urge anyone that has the opportunity to have a relationship to do so!!! Don't let life go by and realize you miss him when it's too late. I hope it all works out for you!

I have to agree with Princy Jo also, my dad passed years ago and you don't want to regret not including him (at least to some degree). Thats why, I say make sure consider YOUR feelings on this equal to moms.
Plus if he came to the wedding just seat him as far away as possible, you know?

thanks for your responses girls
i wasn't even planning on telling my mom i e-mailed him.. she is extremely close minded about my dad, which i totally don't think is fair to us at all but thats how she is so its hard.. my mom just looks at it like he left us and he hasn't called in all this time so why should we talk to him.
i don't know, i guess i wasn't really expecting to hear back from him so now all of this is going through my mind bc i know the wedding is going to come up so i just want to make sure i go about it the right way. i'll email him back and see where it goes from there. i still have a year to go, so i'll see what kind of effort he puts into it.
thanks again for all your advice!

I have a similar issue with my dad. It's a very stressful situation with him and my mom to be in the same room. However, they were in the same room a couple of years ago (for the first time in over 20) for my sister's 30th bday and everyone behaved themselves.

As far as my wedding goes, it's going to be a little trickier. The second I got engaged my mother asked who was walking me down the aisle. Ideally, I would love to have both of them do it, but my mother won't if my father is. Since we're catholic, traditionally, my dad would do it alone.

However, in order to accomodate everyone and not leave anyone out my mom is walking me down the aisle and my dad is lighting the unity candle. I know it's backwards but my dad left when I was 11 and my mom was the one who raised us.

Seating at the reception is going to be another issue...but I'll figure it out then.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have to do what feels right to you. I know you don't want to hurt anyone else, but if you totally ignore him you'll have to live with it for the rest of your life.

Whatever you decide to do, try to make sure you won't have any regrets.