NWR: Need some advice...(UPDATE)

This afternoon, I met fh for lunch and we had a little argument. He's really really stressed right now along with sooooo many other people about the financial market and what it's doing to him. He works in the mortgage business and he's taking a hard hit. He's getting NO business done because people are scared and no one gets approved anyway. He could also lose his job soon if things don't pick up. He's hardly getting by financially with his bills and he's 19,000 dollars in debt from credit cards plus his student loans.

I don't know what to say sometimes and he got mad at me for not understanding or coming up with any solutions. It's just hard for me to understand because my job hasn't changed much and I just got a raise. I get by just fine and I have no credit card debt. He just doesn't want his problems to become our problems. He looks way ahead into the future all the time about this stuff and about eventually moving upstate NY where we could afford to live better. But when he does mention all this, it makes me anxious and I get quiet...and that makes him more upset at me.

So, long story short, what do you girls think I should say to him? What could I tell him to make him feel better about all this and not worry so much? He seems to be afraid for our future. Any advice or thoughts on this would be appreciated cuz i'm just kinda lost...

Thanks for reading.

UPDATE: I wanna thank you all for your kind words and advice!! It really did help me and you all gave me some wonderful ideas. FH and I sat down and had a really productive talk last night about everything (which I initiated). I think we have a plan in motion to start heading things in the right direction and he knows we are in it together. It will work out somehow in the end. Again, thanks everyone!!!!

well if you are willing to help him out he should just suck it up and take the money from you. If you guys are going to make a life together it shouldn't be a big deal.

I understand you completely - what can you possibly tell him. he should understand that you don't know what to tell him and not get so upset with you!

I'm sorry that you and FH are going through this. Even though the two of you had an argument, I am sure he is not mad at you. He has a lot on his mind right now and probably feels even added pressure thinking about the wedding and your future. Honestly, I don't think there is much you can say to him at this point. Just continue to support him emotionally, and doing what you have already been doing. Sometimes, it may seem like the little gestures you do get overlooked, but trust me, just being there for him will go a long way. I hope everything works out soon.

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Posted by Goldie39

I'm sorry that you and FH are going through this. Even though the two of you had an argument, I am sure he is not mad at you. He has a lot on his mind right now and probably feels even added pressure thinking about the wedding and your future. Honestly, I don't think there is much you can say to him at this point. Just continue to support him emotionally, and doing what you have already been doing. Sometimes, it may seem like the little gestures you do get overlooked, but trust me, just being there for him will go a long way. I hope everything works out soon.

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ITA Vanessa! well put.

what I would say is this:

'we're getting married. we will be together forever and we are a team. this isnt the first or last obstacle that we will have in our lives, but watever may come we will face it head on...together. and we will get thru it. i will support you and you will support me. and TOGETHER we will be ok.'

something like that. at least thats what i tell myself from time to time :)

I understand for you at work it hasnt changed but imagine if it did and you werent bringing in any business, especially one like his where your money comes from actually closing deals. Its probably real hard for him right now. I know how he feels bc i am out of work and it is so hard and im about to lose it. During the wedding planning, i paid for a huge chunk of our wedding, any expenses that came on with the wedding i took on if it was something i wanted and didnt listen to anybody since i was paying for it. Its VERY hard to go from being able to handle things financially and having money coming in all the time, to now not having any of that. Dh always complains how busy he is at work, and i finally yelled at him the other day to be glad this is his problem. He has a group of friends whom all are either in mortgages or stock market and just about ALL of them are out of work and really struggling right now and they would give anything to have his problems. I am working with 3 recruiters and sending my resume everyday, just when i had some hope with an interview at Merrill, this happened. So to hear about him having TOO much work gets me annoyed me lol

He shouldnt blame you either and get mad at you. But soon his problems will become yours too and vice versa. So its good to start now bc this is what marriage is about. Plus you both are paying for a wedding now so i think his situation is going to effect you if it hasn't already.

Is there any other profession he would be interested in? Right now this is the worst profession to be in, its going to be a while until things pick up. And right now with the market this week, many banks have ceased assets on giving out loans, and it has become even more difficult to give one. I know its hard and you feel hopeless like you cant do anything, but just being there for him is good and put yourself in his shoes and if the situation was reversed. I feel horrible bc i dont want DH to pay for things now, so i can only imagine how a man feels about it. Maybe sit down with him and tell him you two should come up with ways to help him out with his debt and any solutions you can think of. Until he sees things working out in some way he is going to feel down. Tell him to call his CC companies to consolidate so he can transfer balances. Are all his CC's in good standing, meaning still open. If not and he has any CC's in judgement, then he can call up and settle with them, they will do this so this way it will cut his debt a bit. Does he have any money in savings?

i know you say its hard to understand his problems. But remember that at one point in the future his problems will be yours. His debt will effect you too, and him having a job will effect you too. Dh and i sat down before the wedding to fix his debt bc i knew this would benefit both of us to do so.

Do you guys live together? Maybe you can combine all of our bills together and have a family income. You'll be doing that eventually when you get married so why not start now?

Me and FH will start doing that once we get our butts into a bank to open up a joint checking account but we'll just put all of our money into one account and pay all our bills from it like we're already married.

If he's having trouble with his student loans, there are also economic hardship deferments so he doesn't fall behind. The only other thing I can think of is to sit down together and look at your budgets and figure out where things can be cut. I don't know your financial situation but there may be some corners to cut. I'm sure the wedding costs are probably stressful too so maybe don't talk about the wedding as much with him until he can relax a little bit more.

Good luck! I know it can be stressful when you just don't know what to do. You could also consider seeing a counselor. C.W. Post has a clinic that will counsel you regardless of your ability to pay. They may be able to help you deal with these stressful times.

http://www.cwpost.liu.edu/cwis/cwp/clas/psych/doctoral/clinic.html

there isn't much you CAN say to him, just show him support and for as annoying as it can be, just listen to him rant about it all. He's probably just extremely overwhelmed with more money going on then currently coming in and he probably feels guilt about it towards it effecting your life as a couple with plans and hopes for your future. However on your defense, I get quiet too when someone rants at me, it's just the way I am...

hang in there!

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Posted by RedsBride

bumping it up so you can see my update (thank u to everyone!)

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thats a great step you took to sit down with him and really try to work out his problems. He is really going to appreciate it bc the two of you are a team now. He doesn't expect you to be able to fix his problems, but sometimes you just need somebody to be understanding and someone you can vent to, we all need that sometimes. Plus he will really appreciate that you sit down with him and say 'ok how can WE fix this' it shows how supportive you are and he knows he can count on you. He goes through all this in his head everyday probably so to have somebody he can let it all out with and to talk about it makes life easier.

Good luck and hope you guys can find some solutions. Consolidate, settle or do whatever you can.