NWR: Women's restrooms!!
Women's Restrooms
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually
Find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors.
Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in,
Nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find
The door won't latch. It doesn't matter.
The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented
By someone's mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang
Your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - - so
You carefully, but quickly, drape it around your neck, (Mom would
Turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your
Pants, and assume 'The Stance.'
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe
The seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
Discover to be the EMPTY toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you
Can hear your mom's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean
The seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your
Thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your
Nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would
Have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is
Still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door
because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front
Of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the
Tank of the toilet. 'OCCUPIED!' you scream, as you reach for the
Door dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the
Floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly on the
TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has
made contact with
Every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU
never laid down toilet
Paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because,
You're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat
Because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases
You could get.'
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of
Water like a firehose that somehow ***** everything down with such
Force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of
Being dragged in too. At that point, you give up. You are soaked by
The spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted.
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then
Slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
Now, you can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the
Automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper
Towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no
Longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the
line points out a
Piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when
You NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it
Into the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need
This.' As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since
Entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What
Took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public
Restroom (REST??? - You've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains
To the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their
Other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in
Pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse
And hand you Kleenex under the door.
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When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually
Find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors.
Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in,
Nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find
The door won't latch. It doesn't matter.
The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented
By someone's mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang
Your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - - so
You carefully, but quickly, drape it around your neck, (Mom would
Turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your
Pants, and assume 'The Stance.'
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe
The seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
Discover to be the EMPTY toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you
Can hear your mom's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean
The seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your
Thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your
Nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would
Have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is
Still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door
because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front
Of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the
Tank of the toilet. 'OCCUPIED!' you scream, as you reach for the
Door dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the
Floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly on the
TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has
made contact with
Every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU
never laid down toilet
Paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because,
You're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat
Because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases
You could get.'
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of
Water like a firehose that somehow ***** everything down with such
Force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of
Being dragged in too. At that point, you give up. You are soaked by
The spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted.
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then
Slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
Now, you can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the
Automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper
Towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no
Longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the
line points out a
Piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when
You NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it
Into the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need
This.' As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since
Entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What
Took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public
Restroom (REST??? - You've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains
To the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their
Other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in
Pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse
And hand you Kleenex under the door.
