NWR:Really Upset About What My Dad Said....

Let me preface by explaining that my mom passed away almost five years ago so as you might expect, planning a wedding (and getting married) has been tough for me without her. I miss her terribly. Now that you know that....

Yesterday I was at my grandma's 80th birthday party with all of my extended family, and I mean everyone - 3rd & 4th cousins, etc. All of these people know us for years and years. So my father gets up to make a welcome speech to everyone and introduces his girlfriend as 'The Love Of His Life.'

It didn't hit me at first. But once it did, I told him so quietly and he told me to just drop it. But I couldn't so I got up discreetly and went to the bathroom to cry. My father came in and used the excuse of having two martinis (sorry, that doesn't work. He weighs more than me and two martinis wouldn't do it for me) and that he didn't know what he was saying. He layed his typical guilt trip on me about how he has a heart condition and he really doesn't need the stress. I just suddenly had no interest in being around him. HE's the one who made ME upset and over a very delicate topic no less.

Is there anything I can do? Right now I told him I just need some space, but every time I think of him, all I hear is 'this is RAndi, the love of my life.'

Geez...he was married to my mom for 29 years. He knows Randi (who I happen to really like) for 2. And I didn't think it was possible to find a new love of your life in less than five years. And if she really is the love of his life, I really don't need to hear about it.

I know what you are going thru- My Dad was calling some women he just met 'his beuatuful irish princess'

My Mom hasn't even been gone 2 year- luckily for me my Dad snapped out of it and dumped this women- for so many reasons

but I can relate to how you feel and I can tell that they men become very stupid in these siuations- they have never really dated before -and get caught up in this silly stuff- THEY DON''T THINK- they just don't think

try to give your Dad a break- b/c the wedding is hard on him too with out your Mom- he just shows it differently

so sorry you're sad sweetie...i can't begin to imagine how you are feeling. so sorry for the loss of your mother...

maybe your dad doesn't deal with his feelings and emotions the way you do. i guess the only thing you can do right now is to take some time and let the thought of Randi soak in. I wouldn't want to hear my Dad call someone that wasn't my Mom 'the love of his life' either, but maybe you could try to be happy for him?

Sorry sweetie

My Father passed away 9 years ago and about 6 months after he passed, my Mom met someone else and then a year later got re-married. I have heard the 'he is the Love of my Life' and 'We are Soul Mates' a million times. It hurts like hell, I know and on the other hand I don't think our parents look at the situation with 'Us' in mind and are looking out for their own happiness.
I can only say that it will get easier for you to learn how to deal with it. The pain will never go away, but we just have to learn how to deal with it.

sorry to hear this!

I'm so sorry!! Everyone has their own way of coping with loss, apparently your dad's way is very different than yours. It's understandable to be upset, I'm sure he really didn't mean to hurt you.

I'm so sorry... I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now to begin with... and then to hear your dad say something so STUPID and insensitive on top of it. You have every right to be upset. I don't blame you. It's just a lack of respect for your mom... does he regret wording it like that? He could have said 'My beautiful Randi' or just 'my wife'... but to cancel out 29 years in one stupid sentence must have been so hard for you to hear.

You can just do your best on your wedding day to pay tribute to your mom in every way possible. And make sure your dad doesn't have ANY martinis before he makes any speeches, and especially for YOUR day, make sure he's sensitive to this situation so he doesn't repeat what he did yesterday. Your going to have to remind him again before your wedding day.

I'm sorry you're feeling so upset... it's totally justified. And I'm sure your mom appreciates your coming to her defense. . I guess men just say stupid things in all different situations - big and small.

My sister's father died 4 years ago....and they were divorced...but my sister still resents any guy she's dated since his death.

I am only about to say the following because I've studied grieving/mourning...I am not an expert nor have I ever lost a parent, but this is what I've learned...i am NOT trying to be mean at all, but after 5 years, maybe your father is done grieving and has moved on. I'm sure your mother wouldn't want him to grieve forever and be sad and lonely....that said, I'm sure she wouldn't want him boasting at gma's party either....or upsetting you. Which is the bigger issue, it upsets you. I really don't think your dad meant it like your mom wasn't the love of his life either, but he's had to deal with losing her and if the new woman can fill a void he's had, that's a good thing for him. The loved ones we lose will never return, but we can add new loved ones to our lives to continue making them richer. You are doing so with your upcoming wedding and any future children...we put unfair requirements on our parents sometimes and I personally feel this is one of them. If your life can move forward, why can't his? Again, in no way am I trying to be mean or say you are wrong for being hurt....you deserve to feel any pain you wish/need related to your mother's death, I just think that maybe you should think about how he feels and how maybe this 'moving on' to a new love is the next step in his process of grieving/mourning. Just a thought.

I don't have any experience with this, but I would be hurt too. I am sure that your dad didn't mean to hurt you, though. It might just be his way of dealing with it. to you.

So sorry you are dealing with this. Even though it hurt you, try to give him a break. He is without your mom too and probably misses her terribly as do you.

He was expressing his happiness at finding a woman that he loves..he just didn't need to say it like that.

again, so insensitve, but he is still mourning too even though it may not seem that way.

I'm sure others at the party were like 'what' huh'..also..

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Posted by sarahradio5

I'm so sorry... I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now to begin with... and then to hear your dad say something so STUPID and insensitive on top of it. You have every right to be upset. I don't blame you. It's just a lack of respect for your mom... does he regret wording it like that? He could have said 'My beautiful Randi' or just 'my wife'... but to cancel out 29 years in one stupid sentence must have been so hard for you to hear.

You can just do your best on your wedding day to pay tribute to your mom in every way possible. And make sure your dad doesn't have ANY martinis before he makes any speeches, and especially for YOUR day, make sure he's sensitive to this situation so he doesn't repeat what he did yesterday. Your going to have to remind him again before your wedding day.

I'm sorry you're feeling so upset... it's totally justified. And I'm sure your mom appreciates your coming to her defense. . I guess men just say stupid things in all different situations - big and small.

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Well said. I completely agree. ANd I think in the original post she says this lady is his girlfriend not his wife, which IMO makes it even more insensitive.

I'm sorry sweetie! Parents can be stupid at times! Sometimes that's all it comes down to. I wish I had better words of wisdom for you.

Instead,

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Posted by vixchik

My sister's father died 4 years ago....and they were divorced...but my sister still resents any guy she's dated since his death.

I am only about to say the following because I've studied grieving/mourning...I am not an expert nor have I ever lost a parent, but this is what I've learned...i am NOT trying to be mean at all, but after 5 years, maybe your father is done grieving and has moved on. I'm sure your mother wouldn't want him to grieve forever and be sad and lonely....that said, I'm sure she wouldn't want him boasting at gma's party either....or upsetting you. Which is the bigger issue, it upsets you. I really don't think your dad meant it like your mom wasn't the love of his life either, but he's had to deal with losing her and if the new woman can fill a void he's had, that's a good thing for him. The loved ones we lose will never return, but we can add new loved ones to our lives to continue making them richer. You are doing so with your upcoming wedding and any future children...we put unfair requirements on our parents sometimes and I personally feel this is one of them. If your life can move forward, why can't his? Again, in no way am I trying to be mean or say you are wrong for being hurt....you deserve to feel any pain you wish/need related to your mother's death, I just think that maybe you should think about how he feels and how maybe this 'moving on' to a new love is the next step in his process of grieving/mourning. Just a thought.

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i have to agree here.... I know it was hard for you to hear, but isn't your dad entitled to love and support from someone? I think he's fortunate to find someone he can feel this way about again.

my sister died about 5 years ago from cancer, and my brother-in-law was remarried by the year after. He loved her, and it was different than his love for my sister, but he needed to move on and share his life with someone....

Don't be mad at him - he may have wanted to show you his happiness at this time...

It is understandable to be upset over what he said. I would give it some time and then have a heart to heart with him. No matter what, he can't take back what he said, but it will make it better if you speak about it with him.

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Posted by Sunrise813

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Posted by sarahradio5

I'm so sorry... I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now to begin with... and then to hear your dad say something so STUPID and insensitive on top of it. You have every right to be upset. I don't blame you. It's just a lack of respect for your mom... does he regret wording it like that? He could have said 'My beautiful Randi' or just 'my wife'... but to cancel out 29 years in one stupid sentence must have been so hard for you to hear.

You can just do your best on your wedding day to pay tribute to your mom in every way possible. And make sure your dad doesn't have ANY martinis before he makes any speeches, and especially for YOUR day, make sure he's sensitive to this situation so he doesn't repeat what he did yesterday. Your going to have to remind him again before your wedding day.

I'm sorry you're feeling so upset... it's totally justified. And I'm sure your mom appreciates your coming to her defense. . I guess men just say stupid things in all different situations - big and small.

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Well said. I completely agree. ANd I think in the original post she says this lady is his girlfriend not his wife, which IMO makes it even more insensitive.

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sorry! You're right... I thought I read this was his new wife of 2 years... the fact that it's 'just the girlfriend' makes it even more wrong. I guess no one can blame someone if they want to find someone else to love after a spouse passes, but they shouldn't make it like the new love is better or replaces/cancels out the old one.