It's 26 days, 10 hours until my wedding.
It's 22 and a half hours until my father's quadruple bypass - open heart surgery.
I've slept one full night in the last week. I stay in bed all night, but I wake up every hour or every hour hour and a half. When I do sleep, I have bizarre dreams or nightmares which are often unrelated to anything going on. I'm keeping FH up with my tossing and turning. It doesn't matter what I take or what I do - my body can't rest. My mind can't turn off. And my mind is racing with stupid stuff.
I appreciate everyone's support and so many people telling me that it'll be fine - not to worry, people have this surgery every day and they are so much better when it's over... It does make me more comfortable with the surgery, but I'll stop worrying when it IS over and he IS better. I do appreciate people trying to make me feel better, but I can't help how I feel. He's my DAD. I'm sure it'll be successful, but that doesn't mean it won't suck for him to go through the recovery and it doesn't mean I'm not scared. I am.
On less important notes, we still don't have music for the ceremony b/c the freakin' music director at the church hasn't returned my calls. I'm the heaviest I've ever been and eating like an adolscent boy. Despite working out hard 6 days a week, I'll be fat on my wedding day. My FILs have pissed me off beyond what I ever thought possible. I don't need them adding to my stress right now by being idiots. They can't do the simplest of things, but keep asking what we want them to do -- they haven't done what we HAVE asked (call ONE person who hasn't RSVP'd), so why would I expect that they'd do more?
They have two guests who still haven't RSVP'd and they won't just call them and ask them if they're coming. It's been a week and a half. They can't call them, but they call and tell us to stop stressing out over the wedding because they can help in any way we want, like by making programs, etc.. Uh, we want you to call these people -- and we would have appreciated you making your hotel reservations before our block was released and the hotel booked solid. These are the things adding to our stress - not our programs. I can understand how they didn't get around to it, being that we only gave them 9 months' notice. I mean, who would reserve hotel reservations in advance for their son's wedding? And as much as I appreciate FMIL wanting to do our programs and buy chocolate - we don't need those things done. We need to know if these people are coming. And did it ever cross her mind that whether or not I want hershey kisses at our wedding is the last thing on my mind right now - my father's less than a day away from open heart surgery. Stop asking me that every time you call. I'll figure it out sometime AFTER I know my dad's okay.
And despite being very friendly with my parents, they haven't even called to wish them well with the surgery.
And YES, of course the wedding stuff seems so incredibly unimportant right now... but all the little stresses are magnified x 100 right now with everything else going on.
I'm so incredibly blessed and lucky in so many ways that I almost feel guilty for being overwhelmed and sad now. So many people have far worse things to worry about than I do... but this is what's keeping me up nowadays.
I'd had my insomnia under control for years - with a few off days here and there... Now I feel like I'm never going to sleep well again...
Sorry for whining in what should be such an exciting and happy time. I do appreciate what I do have - I'm just so scared and overwhelmed now. I better get it out now b/c come tonight / tomorrow, I have to be the strong one along with my one brother. My mom will be a nervous wreck of course and my other brother and his wife are so intense and nervous. I have to be the strong, calm one (who just wants to fall apart). I can't wait for this to be over, for my dad to be better and dancing like a crazy fool at our wedding.
Please pray for my dad.
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