OK, might as well begin the FMIL journal for the weekend....entry 1...

July 13, 2003....2:07pm..
Phone Rings: ring, ring....ring, ring....
ME: Hello?
FMIL: Hiiiiii Raaaccchhheelllll (What is she STONED?)
ME: Oh HI! (still don't know what the hell I should call her!)
FMIL: Are you and JT coming over for the bbq tonight?
ME: (thinking, ok, you could have asked me BEFORE today!) Oh, um, I, uh, guess so?
FMIL: Be here by 5.(Click)
ME: OOooo-K, whatever crazy woman.


4:36pm....(FMIL's house)
ME: Hi everyone!
Everyone: Hi Rachel, hi JT!
ME: We brought Amber's (JT's niece) birthday present since we won't see her next week.
FSIL: Why'd you do that?
ME: Can she have it now, or would you rather her wait?
FSIL: Fine, Whatever!


6:32pm.....
ME: The turkey? Do I like it? Um, cough, cough, oh, yeah, it's great! Mmmm....(drink water Rachel, it'll moisten it up a bit).
FMIL: Where's the ice? I thought I made ice! What the F*@#! There should be ice! WHY THE HELL DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME? WHY ME? Of course this happens to me, it wouldn't be MY life if it DIDN't HAPPEN TO ME! I can't even enjoy a cold drink in my own house! RACHEL....EAT MORE!
ME: Umm....uh...I'm full....

7:12pm....
FMIL: (slyly hands JT a check for 100 bucks with a note saying 'Here's your birthday present, I'll send a card next week. This is to put towards the Camcorder Rachel is buying you.')
JT: Huh? What's this? What camcorder?
ME: W T F? (whispering to JT) Are you kidding me? She was supposed to give ME the money to chip in for your birthday present that you NOW know about! It was supposed to be a surprise and she KNEW THAT! W T F?!?!?! I need to get some air......

awwww

Good luck!! (although I couldn't help but laugh, too - you tell such a good story!)

7:46pm.....
Ok, I really need to get out of this freaking house for a bit. These people are nuts. Ok, keys, keys, where are my keys? I'll just say I need to go to the store...yeah, the store.....

8:02pm......
WHERE ARE MY KEYS?

8:37pm.......
HOW THE HELL DID MY KEYS GET ATTACHED TO FSIL'S????? AND HOW DID SHE NOT NOTICE THAT THERE WAS AN EXTRA SET OF KEYS ON HER'S WHEN SHE LEFT?

8:38pm.....
FMIL: Oh, I put them on Mary's keys. You'd lose them if it weren't for me!

GET ME OUT OF THIS GOD DAMMED HOUSE!

and then what happened????

I HAVE to know!

Oh my God! I'm so sorry. This sounds like he ll

So sorry this continues to happen Rachel.......but da*n, you are so funny to read!!

This woman is mental!!!!!!! How do you deal??

And who the HELL puts 2 sets of keys together???

REWIND: Saturday, July 12th, 2003 3:27pm.....
(FMIL's house, me in livingroom, JT, FBIL and FMIL in kitchen)
FBIL: Yeah, so this guy down at tha yard, he's always smokin dope on the job. And I says, 'What the f*@# you doin guy? And he says, 'You want some?' And I says, naw man, I don't touch that SHIT.'
FMIL: Excuse me? You tell him your mother has terminal cancer and she can't get no marijuana, why does he get it? How fair is that? I have cancer and I NEED it. Those f-ing doctors, who do they think they are?
JT: Mom, I don't think he got it from a doctor.
FMIL: Where where the f*@$ else would he get it? I mean, I HAVE CANCER!

Me: YOU DON'T HAVE CANCER YOU STUPID BIATCH! (ok, I WANTED to say it)

REWIND AGAIN: July 11, 2003.....
FMIL: Rachel, I found the unity candle for you wedding.
Me: Huh? We said we're probably not doing a unity candle.
FMIL: Well, you HAVE to do one.
Me: Why do I have to?
FMIL: Oh, by the way, did you take your mother to see your dress yet?
Me: Well, she bought it, so...
FMIL: Probably a big mistake, getting it and all. After all, you DID change your mind about your wedding band...
Me: I did NOT change my mind about it. I just ADDED to it. That's not changing my mind...
FMIL: How about some ice cream?
Me: (W T F? Can we PLEASE stick to ONE topic????)
FMIL: Here's some money, go buy us some ice cream. Well, maybe just me. I know you bulked up this winter, but you'll be here in NY this winter so I can watch what you eat for you.
Me: (Rachel, don't kill her, don't kill her...must kill her, need to just....ch..ok..e.. her....now....)
Me: Actually, I think I should get going..
FMIL: What do you mean? When will you be back? Are you coming back, will I see you next week? Will I see you tomorrow? When will I see you?
Me: I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gotta go, bye!.........................

Holy Craziness

I want to choke her I think her end is coming near...........

OMG!!!!!! This is too funny! You should write your own sitcom.
HOWEVER, amidst all my laughing at the computer screen, I feel sorry that you're gonna have to deal with this forever.
Luckily, you have a good man. (Don't you wonder how these great men are born to these PSYCHO women??)

Well, I've been noticing since I've been home that JT is EXACTLY like his father. EXACTLY. And now I know how he has lived with her all these years! Luckily he can laugh at EVERYTHING! On the other hand, this does give me quite a bit of leeway when I get all bi-tchy!

You are soooo funny.. i had to read it to frank it was sooo funny, he thinks you are hysterical!!!

Honestly, I would have shot myself already if I couldn't find ANY humor in her!