Opinions about minor future in-law drama, please...(tad long)

OK, so my fiance and I are having a small destination wedding in Florida. His bro and sister in law have 2 kids and they don't have a lot of money, but I know they are going to the wedding. Should we offer to help pay for their hotel? They are staying for 2 nights - maybe we can split it with them since they have to pay for 4 airline tickets?

BUT, last summer, when we spoke about having a destination wedding, his (annoying) sister in law said very rudely (she was mad that we were 'inconveniencing' her by making everyone travel - no complaints from her hubby, of course, though, 'fine - if you are having a destination wedding, then you have to pay for a our flights.' I was very angry, b/c that is rude to assume that we'd pay for them - and that's not how a destination wedding works. If she was like, 'can you help us out b/c we really want to go to the wedding but it's $$ for us,' then I'd be like, 'OK, no problem.'

OK, so she hasn't brought up the idea of me and my fiance paying for their flights again, although we have not sent out the formal invitations yet - so she may ask us later- or assume that we're paying. What do you guys think?

Oh, by the way, I have a wedding website that I created when I sent out the save the dates in January. I have a section on 'airline booking tips' and websites to help you find the best prices for flights/when to book, etc, so it's obvious that everyone's paying on their own. The future in-laws have seen it.

Keep in mind that my fiance and I have to pay for OUR hotel and flight,s in addition to our honeymoon and a bunch of other things...I don't mind helping them out, but to assume we're going to pay for 4 tickets - yikes.

I think its rude for people to ask you to pay for their trip.....but one the same note you have to understand if people (including relatives) do not come to the wedding.

I would not offer to pay unless you really can afford it and then you run into the problem of who you pay for and why not some people.

I say let them pay for themselves or they dont come but thats just me.

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Posted by alli3131

I think its rude for people to ask you to pay for their trip.....but one the same note you have to understand if people (including relatives) do not come to the wedding.

I would not offer to pay unless you really can afford it and then you run into the problem of who you pay for and why not some people.

I say let them pay for themselves or they dont come but thats just me.

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ITA!! If people want to come to the wedding and they know it is OOT then they should know they have to pay for their trip. I HATE when people make the assumption that you are going to pay for them...drives me nuts!

I am going through something as well with mine. My FH's family lives in FL. The only people from his family coming to the wedding are his Mom and Grandma. He has two aunts and brother that live there that are not coming. I am not upset about the Aunts but I am pissed about his brother but that is another topic for another time. Well...his mom and grandma are crying poverty and can't believe that hotels in NY are so expensive....Seriously? You can't believe that? This is NY and yes, hotels are going to be more than $100 a night. So since they are crying poverty I have to allow them to stay at our house that weekend. It really just pisses me off but what can I do. So FH told them they could stay but they would have to get a hotel for the night of the wedding because we want to stay in our own house. Well...his mother had the balls to say that since its our wedding night she thought we would want to stay in a hotel and hotels are expensive and she is already paying for the flight and blah blah blah...needlesstosay my sister is getting FH and I a hotel room for the night of our wedding and FH's mom and grandmother won!


uughhh....sorry to vent on your vent! I just needed to get that out.

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Posted by alli3131

I think its rude for people to ask you to pay for their trip.....but one the same note you have to understand if people (including relatives) do not come to the wedding.

I would not offer to pay unless you really can afford it and then you run into the problem of who you pay for and why not some people.

I say let them pay for themselves or they dont come but thats just me.

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I couldn't agree more! I mean, its rude that they assume that to begin with. Chosing a destination wedding can place a large financial burden on some people, however, they could have come to you in a better way and asked if there were any way to help defray the cost.

OK, thanks. I feel better. My FH was like, 'if she (he sis in law) is going to be so rude about it, I don't care if they don't come.' ...and I totally agree.

If I was invited to a destination wedding I would NEVER assume that the bride and groom are paying. Crazy! It's a vacation if you want to make it one, and if you can't afford it, oh, well, you can't come.

Oh, I feel your pain with the drama...SO annoying...as if wedding planning isn't stressful enough and people have to cause problems. UHHHHHHHHHH

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Posted by shanny200

OK, thanks. I feel better. My FH was like, 'if she (he sis in law) is going to be so rude about it, I don't care if they don't come.' ...and I totally agree.

If I was invited to a destination wedding I would NEVER assume that the bride and groom are paying. Crazy! It's a vacation if you want to make it one, and if you can't afford it, oh, well, you can't come.

Oh, I feel your pain with the drama...SO annoying...as if wedding planning isn't stressful enough and people have to cause problems. UHHHHHHHHHH

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ITA!!

I think it would be a nice gesture to pay.....but gosh Florida is not that far! Sorry they are acting this way.
I think they have been pretty rude to you...and I would understand if you don't want to.

We did pay for one guest's hotel, one guests insanely expensive cab since he couldn't understand a LIRR schedule,
(he thought it was like the subway and there were trains to Montauk every 10 minutes), and one friend's airfare and car rental.

Do what feels right!

I think if she says nothing about paying for flights and the hotel OR she asks nicely for us to help out with the hotel (only), we will help out with what we can. However, if she gives me and my fiance an attitude, my fiance is going to have to handle the situation. Oh, such troubles.

Thanks, everyone!

I feel like this is such a hard issue. I recently had to tell my best friend that I can't go to her destination wedding because I just don't have the money, nor the time to take off from work with my own wedding lurking around the corner. It's really hurting both of us - I was supposed to be a bridesmaid.

Having said that, this IS your FH's FAMILY. It is rude of your sil to assume you will pay for airline tickets, but she may have blurted that out out of frustration. I have to admit it is a little maddening and upsetting at first to realize that you'll have to shell out a lot of money because a bride decided to not have a local wedding - this may have just been her instincts talking before thinking. She may have had different things alloted to the few hundred dollars she will now have to spend on airline tickets and she's going to need to process that. I don't think that her outburst or rudeness should be the factor in whether you pay for the tickets or not. Do what your hearts tell you to do. If you think it's weird now to pay, offer to pay for the 2 kids so your niece/nephew could be there, and have the adults pay their own way. No matter what, there ARE real-life consequences to destination weddings.

Oh NO F*in way!!! She should pay her own way!! You are not obligated in ANY way to pay for her!!! That's ridiculous! She should KNOW better! Just as of being an adult she should know better. And also she shouldn't be soooooooo rude and presumptious! are you sure she wasn't joking?
I wouldn't pay for anything for her. She knew about it enough in advance to save a freaken dollar a day and book her own trip!

Ive been to a destination wedding and while I agree its more costly for the guests I never for one second faulted the bride for wanting that type of wedding. its what they wanted and I said yes to go! I would never ever ever in a million years ask or think that the bride or groom would pay my way!

However I would just assume the bride and groom know they dont usually get as many guests and as many 'gifts' so you are also sacraficing there!

Let her book her own trip! Dont even mention it to her. Send out the invites with the booking information. or at the very least just send her's with booking information in it!!! AWFUL!!!!

Now if you CHOOSE on your own to extend that assistance to them to help them pay for it.. that's YOUR decision and you shouldn't feel bullied into it! It should be a genuinely nice gesture from your part. If you feel like being generous and helping her then go for it... but don't do it just because you think she expects it or because she made a nasty remark about it!

Had she not made that comment would your decision be easier??

The lowest airline tickets I found were from airtran. I would say if you can afford the help others with flights/hotels etc, then go for it. If you can't, then you are in NO OBLIGATION to do so!

Destination weddings can be so tricky. It's your day and you should have exactly what you envision but at the same time not everyone can afford the trip or take off like other people mentioned. I just had to rsvp no to a wedding in Italy for these reasons and the groom has been BFF with my hubby since they were 4. Needless to say we were really sad we couldn't be a part of it. It's easy to say just don't come then, but if it's family I'm sure they really want to be there so it hurts them to not be able to come and share that moment with you.

That being said, I think she's totally out of line to ask you to pay for it. If they can't afford to go they should politely decline and if you chose to pay for them b/c it's that important to have them there then it would be up to you to offer. It's so rude for her to tell you to pay for her and her family. Hopefully she just didn't think before she spoke and didn't really mean it and won't mention it again.