Opinions needed

So I just got off the phone w/my FMIL. and for the 3rd or 4th time she has brought up that we should invite a group of ladies that she plays cards with every week. she keeps insisting that none of them will be able to come because they are elderly and out of state... but I keep telling her that if we invite them and they respond yes, we can't tell them 'sorry, we only meant to include you as a gesture'. I mean seriously, you can't do that, right?

She keeps saying that she wants us to get more gifts and she knows they would send us nice stuff. IMO, that's the wrong attitude to have when sending out invitations!

what are your thoughts?

Honestly I would say, Ill make a deal with you. If they say yes, will you pay for them??

My MILs offered top pay for friends that they wanted to come that werent that close because we only wanted family.

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Posted by N.Y.bride

Honestly I would say, Ill make a deal with you. If they say yes, will you pay for them??

My MILs offered top pay for friends that they wanted to come that werent that close because we only wanted family.

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The thing is... she has already offered to pay for more people from her side... which is all fine. but we booked a place that will only hold 60 people max! if we exceed that number, we will have to go into another more expensive room. so all the per person numbers will go up too. in addition, I would have to get more CP's for more tables.... again, more money. it's a domino effect.

But she keeps bringing it up... my FH said he would handle it with her, but I guess not. I feel bad saying no, she's a great lady. But I wish she would drop it already

FH has this humongous family and his mom has a million friends. if this wedding was up to her, I would have 200 perfect strangers at my wedding

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Posted by N.Y.bride

Honestly I would say, Ill make a deal with you. If they say yes, will you pay for them??

My MILs offered top pay for friends that they wanted to come that werent that close because we only wanted family.

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big time DITTO!!! I had to do the same thing with my mother, and i told her i couldn't take the chance if they did respond yes...and low and behold all the people she wanted but thought wouldn't all responded YEs so far!!

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Posted by MissusJones

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Posted by N.Y.bride

Honestly I would say, Ill make a deal with you. If they say yes, will you pay for them??

My MILs offered top pay for friends that they wanted to come that werent that close because we only wanted family.

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big time DITTO!!! I had to do the same thing with my mother, and i told her i couldn't take the chance if they did respond yes...and low and behold all the people she wanted but thought wouldn't all responded YEs so far!!

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I hear that a lot on LIW! people who you think would never come, find a way to get to your wedding. and sometimes people you think for sure will come, don't.

I just wish I knew right now how many will say no!

My MIL offered to cover her 'people' after much prodding.

However, I know this isn't the answer that you're looking for, but if these people really want to send a gift, they'll do it even if you don't invite them. We got 2 checks for $100 from people we didn't even invite.

And, have you met these people? If not, it would be very obvious that you were looking for a gift.

Again, I know it's not you- it's your MIL, but you are the bride and all of these things will end up being a reflection on you (not her!)

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Posted by Tjay

What does your FH say?

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he agrees with me. you can't invite someone and then expect them not to come. he said he would tell her firmly to drop it, and he very well could have. but she keeps bringing it up.

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Posted by suven

My MIL offered to cover her 'people' after much prodding.

However, I know this isn't the answer that you're looking for, but if these people really want to send a gift, they'll do it even if you don't invite them. We got 2 checks for $100 from people we didn't even invite.

And, have you met these people? If not, it would be very obvious that you were looking for a gift.

Again, I know it's not you- it's your MIL, but you are the bride and all of these things will end up being a reflection on you (not her!)

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well said! thanks

If your MIL friend's know that you are getting married, then you will get the gifts anyway. I got gifts from people that were not invited. It makes absolutley no sense to invite people that you do not know. What about the other relatives that will not be invited? Wait till that gets out! The answer is no, stand your ground. It's a small wedding, that means the same thing to everyone. It means the guest list is limited for a reason. It is not up for debate. This could easily get out of hand.

Let her know that this is how it is..Good luck.

I would probably just say no. It would be one thing if she was VERY close to them and wanted to spend that special day with them by her side, but I would never invite someone with the expectation/hope that they would not come but still give me a gift. Plus I wouldn't want to tempt fate - what if they all say yes and you are over 60? Just not worth the chance.

Good luck. Invite list is the hardest part, IMO.

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Posted by Blu-ize

If your MIL friend's know that you are getting married, then you will get the gifts anyway. I got gifts from people that were not invited. It makes absolutley no sense to invite people that you do not know. What about the other relatives that will not be invited? Wait till that gets out! The answer is no, stand your ground. It's a small wedding, that means the same thing to everyone. It means the guest list is limited for a reason. It is not up for debate. This could easily get out of hand.

Let her know that this is how it is..Good luck.

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Thanks, I agree. I’m not budging on this one.

She also said to me last night that she is pushing all of FH's cousins to let her know if they’re going to the wedding or not (they are all out of state). I was really surprised that she’s doing that. I even said “the invites aren’t going out for another 2 months, why are you asking them now???!” she said that she wants to know so that other people can be invited in their place!!


who's wedding is this anyway??!

Ever think of the 'B' list? Once you get some no responses you can invite these ladies?

Oh...I wrote this before I saw your last post!

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Posted by Blu-ize

And my point is already being made. She has to stop and her son has to stop it. This is unacceptable and it lacks integrity and manners. Maybe if it's posed to her that way, she will see how tacky this is.

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you know what's funny? 2 days ago she told me about her friends from TX who were visiting her and said “well they would have been at the wedding (pause)…. If you were having a bigger wedding”.

What the?????????????

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I don't understand how people (relatives) have trouble with who we are and who we are not inviting. I just got an email from my FSIL of people she thinks we should invite. I had to ask my FH who some of them were and it is just so crazy to deal with all of this stuff. I think part of my problem is that they are from the midwest and aren't used to formal NY weddings.

I hope it all works out with the 'card ladies.'
Stick to your guns!
Remember it's your wedding!