Opinions needed - kind of long (sorry)

Apologies in advance fo this being long - there is some back story,so i'll try to wrap it up quickly.

Here is the situation: FH has a friend (it's a she) who had been by his side during a really trying time in his life. During this time she started to have feelings for him - he dismissed them as he was worried about surviving not dating. In the end they stayed friends and then I came a long.

She and I hit it off great - hung out, had lunch and went shopping. Shortly after she started to date a man who had problems w/ her closest friend being a man (my FH). The end result was her BF asked that she cut ties with FH and no longer be friends w/ him - to which she did. It got ugly for a while - phone calls from psycho to FH and it lasted a couple months.

On New Year's eve a couple years ago she called FH and they made ammends - much to my disagreement on it. I was fine w/ FH being friends with her - lunch here and there but I refused to consider her a friend after what she had done.

FH and I get engaged and he had to break the news to her. She has since broken up with the psycho so he has been out of the pic for a while now. In an effort to be kind she wrote me a FB message congratulating me/us, saying how happy she was for FH finding someone and blah blah. At the end she decided to go into the past situation about what had happened - saying that she hoped that I could get over it and look past.

At the time I was willing to put the past behind me - a smile on my face and move on for FH but then she did this and I went back to square one and not thinking highly of her. She is having a holiday party soon and I am torn as to if I should go or not. I want to for FH since it will make him happy - and she isn't going away. She will be at e-party, probably the shower and of course the wedding.

Anyway - sorry, its long - but what to you ladies think.

Go or not go?

I just want to get this straight before I answer...

Is it that you feel like she may still have feelings for your FH and this bothers you or are you mad about how she pretty much cut you and FH out of the picture and you feel you shouldn''t have to welcome her back with open arms since she dumped her psycho BF?

Good ques - I don't care about the feelings she once had for him.

I just don't feel she is a valuable person - she sh*t on our special moment and the news we shared with her by digging up and old topic. And at one point she dropped him like a bad habit when some one else told her too - IMO she isn't really a 'friend.'

Then why bother even putting the effort in?

I will never fully welcome her back ( it may be wrong, but thats how I function) but I'm torn if going to this party she is having will give her the wrong impression.

well if you want to cut her off completely, than I wouldn't suggest going to the party. It may send her the message that all is forgiven and she may even have an invite to your wedding.

Are you guys inviting her to the wedding? Rather, is FH inviting her to the wedding?

Just bare in mind that if you go the route of completely cutting her off on your end, you have to think about how FH may feel about that. Make sure you make your feelings on the matter very clear to FH and makes sure there is no ill will between the two of you.

Crashing here...

I don't really see it as being such a big deal that she mentioned the past in that message to you. It sounded kind enough that she congratulated you; she probably felt that it was necessary to bring up the past and to make it known that she regrets her behavior so you wouldn't be thinking that she was just being a nut and congratulating you guys after not talking to either of you for so long.

People make mistakes. Most people don't own up to them. She did. Maybe it wasn't exactly the way you wanted her to do it, but the point is, she did it. To me, it doesn't sound like it was done in a malicious way. Moreso, she did it in a FB message...it's not like she posted it to you wall or something, where everyone could view it.

I'm a believer in second chances. I'd go to the party. I'd approach any possibility of a real friendship with her with some caution, but I wouldn't rule it out on the basis of her making a really big mistake...she seems truely sorry for it.

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Posted by kris_gets_hitched

Crashing here...

I don't really see it as being such a big deal that she mentioned the past in that message to you. It sounded kind enough that she congratulated you; she probably felt that it was necessary to bring up the past and to make it known that she regrets her behavior so you wouldn't be thinking that she was just being a nut and congratulating you guys after not talking to either of you for so long.

People make mistakes. Most people don't own up to them. She did. Maybe it wasn't exactly the way you wanted her to do it, but the point is, she did it. To me, it doesn't sound like it was done in a malicious way. Moreso, she did it in a FB message...it's not like she posted it to you wall or something, where everyone could view it.

I'm a believer in second chances. I'd go to the party. I'd approach any possibility of a real friendship with her with some caution, but I wouldn't rule it out on the basis of her making a really big mistake...she seems truely sorry for it.

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ITA - good advice!

I think that if ur FH wants to be friends with her and if it would make him happy for you to go to her party, then I'd go...

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Posted by kris_gets_hitched

Crashing here...

I don't really see it as being such a big deal that she mentioned the past in that message to you. It sounded kind enough that she congratulated you; she probably felt that it was necessary to bring up the past and to make it known that she regrets her behavior so you wouldn't be thinking that she was just being a nut and congratulating you guys after not talking to either of you for so long.

People make mistakes. Most people don't own up to them. She did. Maybe it wasn't exactly the way you wanted her to do it, but the point is, she did it. To me, it doesn't sound like it was done in a malicious way. Moreso, she did it in a FB message...it's not like she posted it to you wall or something, where everyone could view it.

I'm a believer in second chances. I'd go to the party. I'd approach any possibility of a real friendship with her with some caution, but I wouldn't rule it out on the basis of her making a really big mistake...she seems truely sorry for it.

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ITA

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Posted by BellaBride27

I just really don't like how she completely dumped your FH as a friend in at one time and now all of sudden is coming back..i dunno JMO i dont think its the best to let her fully back in

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I agree

In my honest opinion, I would have a real hard time even inviting her to attend any of the wedding parties let alone attend one of her parties. I guess I would really be questioning what her true motives are. In my experience, I have seen very few male/female friendships where someone didn't have some sort of feelings for the other. (Not saying that your FH does of course!!!)

Plus, if she was a true friend - friends should be there through it all not just the fun times!

These responses are interesting. I'm not trying to start drama here, but I'm curious if some of the responses would be different if the former friend was a guy.

Food for thought.

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Posted by kris_gets_hitched

These responses are interesting. I'm not trying to start drama here, but I'm curious if some of the responses would be different if the former friend was a guy.

Food for thought.

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I totally agree. I know it sounds terrible, but to me, it does make a difference that she's a girl! Lol.. my poor FH...good thing he doesn't have a lot of close girl friends!

I totally appreciate all the responses - and I see everyone's POV. Hence why I asked since all of you don't know me personally, FH or the person I am talking about.

I talked to FH last night and I said I would go to the party - but if she tries again to bring up the past (when I am willing to move past it) then I'm gonna punch her. FH agreed and was happy with my decision - which made me happy. He said we won't stay long since he knows this is a lot of me to take in.

I have been burned before and I hate seeing him be treated like a doormat. He is just too good hearted - which is a blessing and a curse.

FH has lots of female friends (thanks to one of them I am now marrying him) but how many male 1st grade teachers do you know?? It's just a product of his occupation and it comes with the territory. Honestly though - if it were a guy that did all this to him I would think the same thing.

Thanks everyone