Ok-so yesterday I went w/ FMIL to her fitting and in the car I mentioned that I was having trouble finding a something old and borrowed. She says,' You don't plan this, no need for you to worry-the girls, me and your mom take care of this' I was like oh really????-didn't know what else to say. I have already had numerous conversations w/ my mom about his and we are both trying to figure it out TOGETHER. I am mostly worried that she is going to buy me jewelry as a shower gift and expect me to wear it the day of or have me borrow something from her daughter. I already bought my day of jewelry!! The date of my shower is no longer a surprise-its in 2 weeks, so if she bought something already what do I do? Plus, she has mentioned to my mom about buying me a unity candle, flutes and a card box, etc-aren't these things I pick out-I mean the card box-whatever if she wants to buy one go ahead-but unity candle and flutes?? I hope I am not coming across as rude, I know its incredibly nice of her to buy me anything at all, but certain things I want to pick out myself. What do I do?
MJDoc12
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Re: Opinions please-re: slight FMIL issues
i'm a sneaky biotch...i would tell her, in passing, that you already got those things. like have your mom say that you told her that you found them, if you are worried about what she gets you.
if she buys you DOJ for your shower, just let her know that you appreciate it, but you already have some--and say your MOM bought it. hehe
go ahead and plan ahead your 'something old, borrowed, etc' cause you just never know. and i have never heard that you have to let 'the girls' handle it
Eva-and-John 07
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Re: Opinions please-re: slight FMIL issues
It's hard to balance the involvement of your FMIL. I also have an eager FMIL who wants to be very involved but borders on crossing those invisible lines. It is very hard to not be offensive (after all the fact that she wants to be involved is wonderful) and still establish your boundries.
I would just keep her very well informed of all that you have done so far. Let her know that you looking for a great unity candle or card box, or that you put an order in already. If she tells you not to worry, just let her know that you know exactly what you want but just haven't found it yet and it's something you'll be happy to pick up on your own.
Best of luck!!!
cookiemonster
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Re: Opinions please-re: slight FMIL issues
does she have a decent relationship with your mom? could your mom talk to her and tell her what you've already got and what you were planning to do together?
Aug07OFCbride
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Re: Opinions please-re: slight FMIL issues
To be honest, I would welcome if someone, esp FMIL, was doing things like that. FILs havent offered to do anything at this point. Wont it help you stick to your budget to have her help out a bit anyways? Dont get me wrong, if you really want to be the one to pick these things out, I understand why it is urkiing you a little bit. But, youre not sure yet what she will really do (wait and see) and two, how can you really tell her that in a nice way? I dont know, if you think of a way to do it, talk to her about it. Or your mom can maybe mention something since she probably has the best idea of what your FMIL is planning to do for you. But Id just go with it and try to remember shes doing it from a good place. JMO!!!
About flutes, dont waste your money if your RH has their own for you to use. again JMO.
ETA: I also think the best way of going about this is to keep her updating on what youre doing/planning to do yourself. 'Oh Im so excited I found my day of jewelry.....'
And I also have heard that moms and your BP take care of something old, new, borrowed, and blue if you didnt take care of it yourself.
Pencils
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Re: Opinions please-re: slight FMIL issues
I think you need to talk to her--it's lovely that she wants to do stuff for you, but if you don't know what they're doing, how do you know what else to plan or buy? Or are you expected to buy everything only to be told 'but we bought your earrings' and then use theirs? What a waste of money! If she, or they, tell you that they're buying a card box, then, OK, you don't have to worry about it. But it would suck to be two weeks before the wedding and realize you didn't have a card box and you want one. Maybe I'm a bit controlling, but I would need to know that those things were being taken care of, either by you, or by someone else, not 'don't worry about it.' I'd worry!
L&R
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Re: Opinions please-re: slight FMIL issues
I have to agree with Aug07OFCbride. I wish my FMIL was a bit more motivated to do things or help out. Why don't you invite her to assist you in shopping for the items you really want (ie. gift box, candles, etc)? My mom wanted to come along and then just paid as a surprise. It doesn't necessarily sound as if she's trying to take over, more like she just wants to share in your experiences. And my godmother surprised me at my shower with my something old, new, etc. I had no clue and I am so happy that she did. But if it really bothers you, maybe have FH speak with her. Or talk with him about it to get his take - maybe he understands/knows where she's coming from.
StarryEyedBride
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Re: Opinions please-re: slight FMIL issues
since she seems to be talking about incorporating your mom into it, I would have your mom put the word out and say something like 'oh I think she already has her jewelry and flutes and such...do have other ideas?'
If you are nervous she already bought you stuff... You might just have to say something *nicely* about how you already have your jewelry, flutes, whatever... and hopefully she'll understand.
can FH do some detective work for you and find out what she's thinking?? At least that way you'll be prepared!
Strings22
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Re: Opinions please-re: slight FMIL issues
Posted by MJDoc12
i'm a sneaky biotch...i would tell her, in passing, that you already got those things. like have your mom say that you told her that you found them, if you are worried about what she gets you.
if she buys you DOJ for your shower, just let her know that you appreciate it, but you already have some--and say your MOM bought it. hehe
go ahead and plan ahead your 'something old, borrowed, etc' cause you just never know. and i have never heard that you have to let 'the girls' handle it
I agree.. i would in passing in a polite way say that you have already picked up these things. Also your not oout of line those are the things that you pick up and pick out. Don't worry it will all work out.
Snickers76
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Re: Opinions please-re: slight FMIL issues
I also agree with august07bride. IMO, having her buy the candle and flutes is a real non-issue. She 's just trying to be generous and helpful. She may also want to have a special connection in some way, which is kind of nice. Unless you consider the flutes and candle top priorities like your dress, BP dresses, flowers etc., I would let her buy them.
The something old/something borrowed, however, I wouldn't be able to deal with. You need to know what to buy for yourself and what is being lent/given to you for your day! You also need to know how it will effect your entire look. This would stress me out...
AMGBride2008
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Re: Opinions please-re: slight FMIL issues
If she did buy you jewlery and you don't have the heart to say no thank you... wear the jewlery she gave you at the ceremony and than switch to your jewlery for the reception.
As far as her buying you the card box, flutes, and candles... maybe have you FH drops hints to her at what you've had your eye on.
dawnbridetobe
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Re: Opinions please-re: slight FMIL issues
Posted by Snickers76
I also agree with august07bride. IMO, having her buy the candle and flutes is a real non-issue. She 's just trying to be generous and helpful. She may also want to have a special connection in some way, which is kind of nice. Unless you consider the flutes and candle top priorities like your dress, BP dresses, flowers etc., I would let her buy them.
The something old/something borrowed, however, I wouldn't be able to deal with. You need to know what to buy for yourself and what is being lent/given to you for your day! You also need to know how it will effect your entire look. This would stress me out...
This is exactly how I feel. Whatever about the card box, etc (eventhough I already bought an engraved unity candle set). But my jewelry complements my overall appearance that day and therefore, is very important to me. I just hope she either gets me a simple necklace or a bracelet-b/c I do not have a necklace yet and worse case scenario, I will wear a bracelet on each wrist. Thanks for all your advice!!
Mrs.NicolaXoXo
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Re: Opinions please-re: slight FMIL issues
I would causally tell her that you are SO excited that your aunt, bf or whoever is lending you the most beautiful wedding day jewelry, this way you don't get jewelry that you don't like from her. I wouldn't care so much about the unity candles and flukes-but I would never let someone pic out my day of jewelry. Good Luck!
