PITA BM - part deux... UPDATED!!!

Ok, so I have come to the conclusion that I am going to ask one of my BMs to step down from the BP, via e-mail (gutless, I know, I just don't do well in conversation - plus she's an absolute beast when she's confronted). The only problem is that I just don't know what to say...
For those that don't have any idea as to what I'm talking about here's the thread from a couple of days ago - PITA BM thread...

Here's what I've put in it so far - I just don't know what else to say:

After a number of sleepless nights, I have come to a conclusion that has been very difficult. It is more than likely considered 'sheepish' to communicate via email - but if you know me as well as I hope you do, you know I don't do well in conversation... I am 'better' in writing. So, here goes nothing:
I know that what is going on with your life is the number one priority for you - as it should be - I wouldn't expect you to do anything any different. With that said, I am having a hard time with the fact that the commitment you made, over a year ago, to be in our bridal party has been pushed so far to the bottom of the list of priorities, that it's barely there.
I guess what I am asking of you, is to step down from the bridal party. You have financial commitments that are mandatory and you need to meet them head on without any other concerns - but at the same time, these commitments are causing me stress as well... not just recently, but over time (we've already discussed this same thing a couple of months ago). Other people in the bridal party have purchased a home in the interim and their financial burdens were not put on me.
You are probably considering me to be selfish or spoiled, but I need to start putting me and my life first - November 24th is the most important day of my life, just as your wedding was for you. I really don't what else to say right now - this is my decision, take it as you choose.


I haven't sent the email yet - I'm going to sit on it for a day or so - and go back to see if I need to remove anything (or add) due to emotions...
I think of all the time and money and emotion I put into being in her BP, it makes me so upset... But, with everything that's gone on over the last year - I just don't know what to do - PLEASE HELP!!!

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Posted by soon2BMrsDee

Ok, so I have come to the conclusion that I am going to ask one of my BMs to step down from the BP, via e-mail (gutless, I know, I just don't do well in conversation - plus she's an absolute beast when she's confronted). The only problem is that I just don't know what to say...
For those that don't have any idea as to what I'm talking about here's the thread from a couple of days ago - PITA BM thread...

Here's what I've put in it so far - I just don't know what else to say:

After a number of sleepless nights, I have come to a conclusion that has been very difficult. It is more than likely considered 'sheepish' to communicate via email - but if you know me as well as I hope you do, you know I don't do well in conversation... I am 'better' in writing. So, here goes nothing:
I know that what is going on with your life is the number one priority for you - as it should be - I wouldn't expect you to do anything any different. With that said, I am having a hard time with the fact that the commitment you made, over a year ago, to be in our bridal party has been pushed so far to the bottom of the list of priorities, that it's barely there.
I guess what I am asking of you, is to step down from the bridal party. You have financial commitments that are mandatory and you need to meet them head on without any other concerns - but at the same time, these commitments are causing me stress as well... not just recently, but over time (we've already discussed this same thing a couple of months ago). Other people in the bridal party have purchased a home in the interim and their financial burdens were not put on me.
You are probably considering me to be selfish or spoiled, but I need to start putting me and my life first - November 24th is the most important day of my life, just as your wedding was for you. I really don't what else to say right now - this is my decision, take it as you choose.


I haven't sent the email yet - I'm going to sit on it for a day or so - and go back to see if I need to remove anything (or add) due to emotions...
I think of all the time and money and emotion I put into being in her BP, it makes me so upset... But, with everything that's gone on over the last year - I just don't know what to do - PLEASE HELP!!!

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awww, im so sorry you are upset
i would do whatever your heart tells you to do, if this is all becoming a huge problem, maybe its the step you have to take, even though u have a hard time making it. this is your big day after all, and you want to be happy, not sad. if its at all possible, maybe u can just try to call, instead of email. but if you had to write, then it is a good letter. feel better

that dosent sound offensive in the least...its honest and truthful.....and it definately dosent sound like you are acting selfish or like a biatch

I also have a PITA BM and everything is difficult with her. She is the only BM not coming to my bachelorette party as she claims she has no $$ (which is not true as she goes to concerts almost every week).

I am really sorry to hear of your situation. Just think twice before you send the email.

At one point I was going to ask her to step down (approx 6 months ago) but I realized that it would mean that we would not be friends. She kinda came through for me at my shower but she is still difficult. Ultimately I decided not to ask her to step down but I have emotionally distanced myself from her. I do not believe that she is truly happy for me and I question whether our friendship (of nearly 13 years) will survived after my wedding.

So, do what you need to do. For me, it was easier for me to keep her in my life for now and see how it goes. But, I know that she's all about herself and take her for what she is.

Good luck and do what you need to do. It is your day and no one elses.

I want to steal that!!!!!!!!!! I think it's perfect....Seriously - i want to use that for FH's sister!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ETA: Other people in the bridal party have purchased a home in the interim and their financial burdens were not put on me. ----> this is the only line that may not be taken well... Remove that and in my opinion you have the PERFECT email.

I know this must be super annoying! But is this something that could really hurt a valued friendship? You obviously asked her to be a BM for a reason. Im not saying what u are doing is wrong- its actually worded very well, but just make sure it is worth the outcome.

I think many people have a different idea of what bridemaids are for. basically they are there to stand by you on your big day and to offer support. And nowadays they are also supposed to throw the showers and the bach parties and help with different tasks. If you did all these things for her then she should return the favor. But maybe before kicking her out you explain what your expectations where when you invited her to be apart of the wedding- to maybe make it more clear. Although i think what you wrote is very good and clear and hopefully wont ruin the friendship in the process.

Goodluck!

I think you put it very nicely, considering the situation that you are in. I think you should speak from the heart which it sounds like you are. It's your day and you deserve as little stress as possible.

If I were on the other end of your email I think you did it very tastefully.

Good Luck and I'm so sorry this is going on right now

That's a tough situation you are in. So sorry to hear that. The e-mail sounds fine. It's very well put without being nasty or hurtful. My only worry for you, is that she may forward that e-mail to the other BM's and try and start World War 3 for you, by trying to get them on her side.
I know you said you are not great face to face, but this time may be one of those times that you just need to do it that way. Invite her out for a drink, and sit and talk to her about her life, and how the events in her life need to be a priority. Maybe make it sound as if you are doing her the favor by 'releasing her of her duties'.
You can even bring FH for support if you want. Just an idea. If it's a friendship worth saving, it may be better face to face. Just my opinion. Hope that helps. Good luck whatever you decide. Keep us posted. We'll have our fingers crossed for you.

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Posted by autumnbride10

That's a tough situation you are in. So sorry to hear that. The e-mail sounds fine. It's very well put without being nasty or hurtful. My only worry for you, is that she may forward that e-mail to the other BM's and try and start World War 3 for you, by trying to get them on her side.
I know you said you are not great face to face, but this time may be one of those times that you just need to do it that way. Invite her out for a drink, and sit and talk to her about her life, and how the events in her life need to be a priority. Maybe make it sound as if you are doing her the favor by 'releasing her of her duties'.
You can even bring FH for support if you want. Just an idea. If it's a friendship worth saving, it may be better face to face. Just my opinion. Hope that helps. Good luck whatever you decide. Keep us posted. We'll have our fingers crossed for you.

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Well, the best part about the BP is that she's not friends with ANY of them...

Sorry you have to deal with this, I know it stinks. The letter was well written

Well, the best part about the BP is that she's not friends with ANY of them...



In that case, then it won't hurt to send the e-mail....it's well written. Good luck!

at this point - when she proceeded to tell me:
'You're a spoiled brat...B*tch...Snot that is just throwing a temper tantrum for not getting her way... what's with all the boo-hoo poor me bullsh*t? You can go F yourself and your wedding...'
four months ago - after our first 'discussion' - mind you it took everything in my power NOT to yell and stoop to her level... I'm surprised she's still alive (not to mention the BP)!
I guess it was her back-pedaling (aka pathetic attempt at an apology) that made me feel bad - b/c SHE was stressed!!!
GOD I AM SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!!! Where's Cher (from Moonlighting - I think that's the movie with Nicholas Cage) smacking ME across the face with a 'SNAP OUTTA IT!!'

if she seems to only be caring about herself (which, from what i see) seems to be true) then i think you should send her the email.

i agree that you thinking it over for a few days before you actually send it is a good move!

but you have to ask yourself if you are willing to give up your friendship with her completely...bc that very well may happen as a result of this. if it is worth it, then send it.

but if shes as wrapped up in herself/selfish as she seems then she doesnt sound like a very good friend either, nevermind bridesmaid.

good luck!!!

OK - so here's what I kinda figured i would do - I'm gonna call her... the email is too chicken sh*t and I need to stand up to the chick ... Here are my options that I am throwing around in my head:

1. tell her flat out that I think that all that is going on in her life needs to be focused on by her and that it would be less stressful on the both of us if she stepped down and just came as a guest. (Here I become the selfish spoiled brat throwing a temper tantrum mentioning how her life is affecting mine...)

OR

2. ask her if it would be easier on her if she weren't a bridesmaid and just a guest - so she didn't have to worry about an additional financial responsibility (ie. the dress/alterations/shoes) - here I'm not planning on mentioning any stress on me??? to sound less 'selfish'???

AND see how the chips fall from there???

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Posted by soon2BMrsDee

OK - so here's what I kinda figured i would do - I'm gonna call her... the email is too chicken sh*t and I need to stand up to the chick ... Here are my options that I am throwing around in my head:

1. tell her flat out that I think that all that is going on in her life needs to be focused on by her and that it would be less stressful on the both of us if she stepped down and just came as a guest. (Here I become the selfish spoiled brat throwing a temper tantrum mentioning how her life is affecting mine...)

OR

2. ask her if it would be easier on her if she weren't a bridesmaid and just a guest - so she didn't have to worry about an additional financial responsibility (ie. the dress/alterations/shoes) - here I'm not planning on mentioning any stress on me??? to sound less 'selfish'???

AND see how the chips fall from there???

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I like #2, as a start. But be clear that you're not going to be stuck with the bill for her dress. If she gets p i ssy with you, drop the beeyotch!