Please give advice!!

Hey all!! I know I am still a newbie here but I really need some advice.

I just had a situation with my mom that just made me want to disappear. I live with my mom and stepdad. MY father lives in Trinidad

It's complicated. I will try to keep it short. FH and I have been together 5 years now, known each other for about 8. We live right across the street from each other. My mom never like FH and his family from before. FH brother did drugs and got sent to rehab, etc. FH isnt a doctor like my mom wants him to be.

My mom said so many bad things about FH to my family in Trinidad that I swear they thought he was a criminial. I took him to TRinidad and my dad loves him and so does most of my family.

We went through so much during our relationship with my mom. She said bad things about him behind his back and then talked nice to him. She bad mouths is mom and family. And the best part is stepdad didnt know about our relationship until 3 yrs into the relationship. My mom didnt want to tell him because her excuse was he didnt like FH either so he would kick me out of the house. My stepdad never talked to him so how would he know what kind of person FH is. So bascially FH is not allowed in our house when stepdad is home. Mind you I am 25 and FH is 29.

As of now stepdad does not know about the engagement. We dont talk much and I dont have a good relationship with him. I really dont know why my mom never like FH's mom.

Sorry guys. I know it's alot. I am so sick of all this. She doesnt even want me to have a wedding because NOTHING can happen at our house. She hates FH family. She treats me like I am 13. I know I am 25 and old enough to make my own decision. WE dont have a good relationship and everytime I try to have a conversation it turns into a big arguement and nothing gets resolved.

BUT right now:

1. As much as my mom is the way she is, she still is my mom. I dont want to leave on bad terms.

2. I am still saving for a house right now. FH just bought into a buisness so money is tight. I wish I could walk out right now but again I dont want to leave on bad terms. We have money saved up where we can rent though

I've kept all these things bottled up inside of me and I'm ready to scream!!!!

I'm sorry to bore you guys. I dont know what to do!! I feel like canceling the wedding because she wont be happy when it happens.

we are all here to listen. it's not a bore. Im sorry to hear that things are so hard in your family. I hope things start to look up soon!

I'm so sorry you're going through this

It sounds like your mom and stepdad have no reason to not like your FH or his family. You need to have a serious heart to heart with your mom. You need to ask her exact reason why she doesn't like FH and his family. Then explain that you're 25 and he's 29, you're in love with each other, and the wedding is going to happen because you want to spend the rest of your lives with each other. Tell her that it really hurts you how she feels and talks about your FH and his family, and that if she loves and respects you, she'll respect your decision to marry FH.

I hope everything works out

wow sorry you're going through this

I would really sit down and have a heart to heart with your mom, maybe take her out to lunch or dinner to have a nice calm conversation. Tell her that you love FH and she has to accept this, she has no other choice. Let her know that by doing this she will drive you away from her or more like after you are married it will be hard considering she doesn't like FH and this can cause some distance and im sure she doesn't want that. This will also be especially hard when you have kids and again she wouldn't want that. You need to let her know regardless you are marrying him so either accept it and you all can learn to get along and you two can maintain a great relationship or you marry him and you two will have problems, fights, and distance.

Sorry to hear that - that sounds like a crappy situation...

Anyways, the best advice I could offer is just continue to live your life as you wish - do what makes you happy
& remember you're an adult - do NOT be pushed around like a child
Demand respect for both yourself and ur FH
It may not be easy at first, but once you do it, it will eventually come naturally

Good luck - and hope things get better

I am sorry to hear you are so stressed out about an occasion that is supposed to be so happy!

Unfortunately things like this happen and we are forced to make the best out of a bad situation. In sounds like in her own way you mom is looking out for your best interests....which is natural...BUT....she is obviously going about it the total wrong way.

Is there any way you guys could sit down as a group and lay everything out on the table? It seems as if the best way to get past this is to break down the 'wall' and try and rebuild from scratch.

You love each other and you love your fam so it is unfortunate that you get stuck in the middle. In the end, you need to stick with what you feel will make you happy. Perhaps getting out on the table will help...perhaps not...but at least you tried to work things out.

good luck with everything!

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Posted by rahana316

Thanks guys!! I do try to talk to her but she ignores me and says she has nothing to say. And this is how it goes on all the time. She doesnt want to talk about it or she has nothing nice to say to him.

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have you tried writing her a letter? she can choose to read it or not BUT at least you are able to 1) vent out your feelings on paper and 2) find some piece of mind that you made an attempt to work things out.

Dang.. thats tough.

I wouldnt move out yet tho. I would wait it out until you and your FH are financially comfortable. So he doesnt go to your house.. you go to his.
What I wouldnt do.. is give your mother more power to make you feel badly about all this.
So.. She doesnt like your FH and his family.. and she is not willing to sit and try to work it out..so what is going to happen?? she is going to find herself without you and your future kids in her life.
I would point out to her that once you start your new life.. it will be up to her to come to you to reconcile her differences ( or opininion of.. ) with your FH.
Dont do anything hasty right now.. and just plan and look foward to a new life :)

i'm dealing with similar issues. sort of. my fmil is making me crazy. i was thinking of callin off the wedding too but not for my sake for my fiance's b/c i didnt want to strain his relationship with his mom.
BUUUUUT... i love him. and he loves me. and we're adults. and while we do not want to hurt our parents, we both realize there comes a time when parents need to 'let go' and let us grow up and live our lives.

you love the man. don't give up on that just b/c of your mother.

if you ever just want to vent or whatever feel free to FM.

Thank you guys for the response. I really needed to vent!!

I am goin to continue with the wedding and I cant do anything if she is not happy for me.