PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!

PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!

Hi ladies, can anyone give me advise, My mom was diagsios with brain cancer and they are saying she has about 4 months to live, my wedding is in about 5 months. Its a little crazy situation, she lives in oragon and she is an alcholic so originally I was not going to tell my mom about the wedding because she is a violent drunk and I felt like she was going to ruin my wedding just like she has ruined my whole life due to her alcholism, but now finding this out do I tell her? due I cancel the wedding? what if I tell her and she cant make it cause she sick? and what if I tell her and she passes right before my wedding? I know this is not an easy question but what should I do? Also everything is already done and booked for my wedding Ausust 14 2009 just waiting for my dress to come in.... Please anyone have advise, thank you so much.

Re: PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!

I am so sorry you are going through this....there is not an easy answer. I would try to bring in a clergy person or counselor for some advice.

Re: PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!

I am so sorry, I know you are not close with her obviously for good reason, but all the same.

This is a very very hard one- I will give it thought.

Re: PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!

Re: PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!

I am so sorry to hear about this. It's such a tough call. I just wish you and your family the best.

Re: PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!

1st im so sorry you are going through this... i do agree with Lorin though.. maybe have a civil cermony and a dinner in oregon with her and then have your wedding in August,,, but you do need to think about it...

Re: PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!

this is a very hard situation, but I think u should tell her. It may going to be your last chance to connect with her, and u don't want to regret anything afterwards. nobody would want to live with the 'what if' feeling. IMO better to tell.

Re: PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!

Wow..Im so sorry about it. Is there any way to move the wedding up?

Re: PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!

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Posted by italianp7

1st im so sorry you are going through this... i do agree with Lorin though.. maybe have a civil cermony and a dinner in oregon with her and then have your wedding in August,,, but you do need to think about it...

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I also agree with Lorin and have a civil ceremony in Oregon with your mom and whatever other family you have out there then leave the other weding as be.

Re: PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I wish you and your family the best. Sorry I don't know what you should do, just wanted to offer support.

Re: PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!

would wedding insurance be helpful?

Re: PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!

First off, I am SO sorry you are going through this...

Brain cancer is a horrible disease. My stepfather just passed away from it two months ago. I wish I could give you some great advice but I really don't know what I would do. My stepfather was given two to three months to live in November and he did not even make it to the two month mark. There are other cases of people who are given a certain amount of time and they live twice that long so you never really know what could happen..

Perhaps you could legally get married and have a small dinner with your parents and his right away? That way your mom will be there for your ACTUAL wedding.. Then after if you still want to do the big wedding you can. This is what I wanted to do but when my stepdad was given a time limit the tumor had spread so that my stepdad lost movement in the left side of his body and was confined to a bed so it wasn't feasible for us.

Once again, I am SO sorry.. If you ever need anyone to talk to, PLEASE feel free to FM me. I know first hand how awful this situation is and I am here if you need me..

Re: PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!

I am so sorry.

I am not sure what advice to offer. The only thing I wouldn't do is cancel/postpone your wedding...everything is set and (for very good reasons) you and she do not have a close relationship...I think getting married in a civil ceremony and having dinner afterwards is a good idea. That way you know you have included her, and she is included in a very impt part of your life.

Just a thought: I would approach it with her and see her reaction first though....it sounds as if her behavior might be unpredictable...if you think her reaction will be negative or violent then I would think long and hard about going out of your way to make this effort to include her. I realize that sounds harsh...I'm sorry, JMHO though...my mother is a toxic person also (for different reasons) and unfortunately what happens when you are dealing with toxic ppl is that you have to take care of yourself and defend against their toxic behavior. The presence of a disease, however serious, does not always change their personality or actions...esp when alcoholicism or an addiction is already there.

FM me if you need to talk...I am a good listener and sometimes it helps to talk to someone you don't know as well

Re: PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!

Re: PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Your questions are difficult. Do you plan on visiting her in Oregon? If so...why don't you feel out the situation and decide if you want to tell her when the wedding is. How long do you plan to stay if you are?

You may want to make amends before she passes...so you don't live the rest of your life with regrets. That being said, you don't have to invite her to the wedding, but perhaps tell her you are engaged and aren't sure about the date yet. See how she reacts to the news...it may give her a reason to fight. she may want to make-up for the disappoint you have. This is her last chance to do so...and many people miss out on this opportunity. I hope this news gives her this desire and she reached out to you in that way.

When you finally have your answer, you can decide to invite her or not. It is of course, your wedding and your FH's wedding. So if you think this may 'ruin' it.... you may want to keep her away. Should she pass before your wedding day, as predicted by doctors, you may want to get a picture of the both of you together and have a memorial candle next to it...she'll be there in spirit.

HTH

Re: PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!

Re: PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!

i wouldnt calcel the wedding, i would go and visit her before-if you can. and then i dontknow. this is tough. godd luck with everything. everything will work itself out. i am sorry you are going through this. i dont know what else to say....

Re: PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!

My best friend was married in 2004. Her biological mother has a mental illness that prevents her from functionally participating in family events. (Her dad remarried and has built a good life with the stepmom)

She originally decided that her mother would NOT be invited to the wedding. It would cause too many problems and she'd need someone to 'watch' her at all times.

Your situation is a tough call, but I do think that if you were not thinking of inviting your mother in the first place, then carry on as planned.

When faced with the thought of losing a loved one, it is natural to want to halt your life and focus on the possibilities of the other person's death. However, since it's so close and you've invested time and money, there must be some other way you can honor your mother. You could make a visit to her before the wedding.

I would talk to your clergy person and seek advice, but I would NOT change plans. There IS another way for you to involve your mother, it just has to be special for you and FH, and that's where you'll have to do some thinking.

Good luck!

Re: PLEASE HELP LIFE OR DEATH!!!