PLEASE - help me out with my MIL situation (long)

My MIL is relentless when it comes to getting her way. She is nice, and appears innocent - but the word 'no' is hardly ever used around her. Her husband does everything she wants and her kids just do what she says because they don't want to make her (more) sickly (she totally plays up her diabetes) or nervous.

Her guest list has been an issue since before we were engaged believe it or not. With her constant need to not hurt her friend's feelings -she caused the most trouble the FH and I have ever had in our relationship. FH was in the middle. Emotionally - she is kind of still in HS.

So far I have left her out of everything wedding related because she doesn't just help - she takes over. Even if you say no, she will ask again and again until she gets her way. Being left out has hurt her feelings, but since she doesn't back off - it had to be this way or else my nerves would be shot.

She ended up backing off - but getting her way on somethings -

1 - FH had a psycho ex girlfriend who hurt him terribly. But the ex's mother is a friend of the FMIL (this I will never ever understand). She couldn't hurt this womans feelings - So I lost this battle, even though its kind of creepy to have the FH's ex's mom at my wedding.

2 - I said over and over - no kids at the wedding. FMIL's best friend has 5 kids and a grandmother. She asked and asked until the kids are all coming. They range in ages from 22 - 7. You would think the older ones are OK - but one is a junkie who deals from this womans front lawn, and one is pretty sadistic. But god forbid I hurt their feelings. So they are a group of 8 that are coming. They also don't have much money at all. To cover their plates would be difficult for them... so why would the FMIL push and push to put them in the situation of being uncomfortable - paying or not - it will be hard either way. They probably would have been fine for just adults to come, but its the FMIL butting in that is causing the issues.

3 - Two of the boys from the family above want to bring dates. I have already told her its not a prom - 18 year olds don't need dates. the FMIL has asked me a bunch of times, then she asked my mom, and asked the FH - each time she gets no for an answer she asks someone else - or complains that no one will dance unless they have dates (she got married 1 month after hs, and has never been in a club)



the problem: the FMIL was allotted 40 guests. Some of her guests cancelled - she wants to fill the spots with these teenagers dates for that huge family (mind you she didn't originally invite her own 50ish year old brother with a date) Can I say to her that even though she had 40 spots the FH and I have other people we would like to invite instead of teenagers we really don't know? Its our wedding - but she is going to be in my life forever. Do I just give in again? She will be a problem like this my whole life - I'm working hard to lay the ground work now so she knows that she isn't the 3rd member of this marriage.

Thanks for the notes.

Glinda - we already had a sit down with her when we first got engaged. It was a bad scene. She just will never get it. I know I cant change her - I have to find a way to deal with her

I tried involving him, and actually it was really bad, I won't ever do it again. Can he really side with me against them?

I won't make him do it any more - plus since he tries to walk the line between us, he ends up clouding the issue.


You are right ladies - I have to note that she is in my life forever, but I have to show her she is the boss of her family, not of me.

I love your ideas thanks!

Simple...let her know that while you realize she doesn't want to hurt people's feelings, you and FH are not friends with these people. You don't want your wedding pictures filled with strangers in the background, or people you wish weren't there, right??

When she has another wedding or a renewal of her vows, she can invite whoever she wants. However, this is your and FH's day, and you should be surrounded with people who will want to share the day with you, not people who are there out of a feeling of obligation because of your FMIL!!! And is it really even necessary to invite her friend's entire family??

I understand you don't want to hurt your FMIL's feelings, but you may have to tap that inner bridezilla now or you and FH will be giving in to her for the rest of your lives!! It's the wedding now, but then later the baby's 1st birthday, etc. etc.

i think your talking about my MIL!!!!

haha, we should chat, they sound to be the same person

I am so sorry. Why are some mil so rotten.... If she is not paying do not give in to her.

I think you & FI need to sit down with her and explain everything in a nice way. Clear the air.

stand your ground. Have you considered the fact that this 18 year olds will likely be served alcoholic beverages? (every hall says they ID, but I've NEVER seen ANYONE ID'd at a wedding).

Are you willing to take responsibility for their actions, god forbid they get drunk from the liqour at your wedding and something goes wrong? I think that legally, you may be held responsible for their actions.

have I given you enough ammo?

I am a FMIL. Just tell her you understand her point about the 40 guests you gave her and she did invite 40 and you are sorry they are not all coming but you really need to draw the line somewhere. You agreed to invite this WHOLE family but the 18 year olds can't bring guests and how would it look if you allowed them to bring guests when you told others they could not (lie a little, what we MILs don't know won't hurt).
If being nice doesn't work than just say I don't want to hurt your feeling but no means no.
Why would these parents want to drag their whole family. Besides a gift they need to dress them.

sweetie just say no, once the grand babies come she will forgot all this