Not sure if this is too personal for some girls - but here's my issue. FH's family isn't that well off and mine is - however we are splitting everything. FH makes good money and so he is contributing however he is totally using it against me. Plus FH feels he needs to help his parents for his whole life without even discussing it with me - I'm not the kind of girl that's going to put his parents on the street - obviously I'll do the right thing, but I don't know why he would do these things without talking to me about it. We're not even married and money's an issue?? As it is - marriage is exciting but nerve wrecking and all the constant fights with FH about money and his parents (who I wouldn't put it past them if they were brainwashing him) - is really taking ALL the excitement out of the whole planning process and the excitement out of marriage for me. Should I just let him do his thing when it comes to them and stay out of it? Or should I hold my ground? Sorry for the long vent - and I'd appreciate any advise.
040508Bride
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Re: Problems with FH
honestly, there isn't enough 411 about his relationship with his parents to post....and either way, idk if this is where you want to do it. However, I think it best to just kind of let him do his thing with them as long as it doesn't put a strain on you and your relationship with him. If he's constantly giving them money, and now you can't get your own bills paid, there is a problem. hth
luvFH2008
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Re: Problems with FH
Well without going into much detail - he's the only child and his dad's out of a job so it's just his mom. I don't think he realizes his first priority is our family and then his parents - I just can't get through to him.
futuremrsfab
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Re: Problems with FH
I'm not really sure I understand your situation- but it sounds as if you fh's family is going through a rough time and I am sure that is hard for him to see & probably since he's a guy, its hard for him to talk about. maybe you guys can sit down and talk and reach a compromise where he feels like he is helping his family, but you dont feel like he is doing something that you dont approve of. gl
Future Mulligan
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Re: Problems with FH
do you guys live together yet? living together and sharing expenses is good practice for marriage - we've been doing it for the last 3 years so nothing for us will change after the wedding when it comes to money and we already have a system established and it works....does he want to give his own money to his parents instead of using it for your expenses/bills/savings?
luvFH2008
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Re: Problems with FH
We don't live together yet but yes he would want to give his money to his parents (not all of it) and it would obviously take away from our payments and our savings - i'm fine with helping his parents out - I just don't like the whole 'I don't really need to discuss it with you' attitude - isn't a marriage about just that - discussion and joint decisions?
Future Mulligan
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Re: Problems with FH
i think that if his family needs help and its a one time deal then its fine for him to lend a helping hand and give them some money.....but if this is a constant thing then i think there is a problem - his parents are adults and shouldnt be depending on your FH to support them - i would feel the same way as you - OUR family comes first especially when we have children
Future Mulligan
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Re: Problems with FH
Posted by luvFH2008
We don't live together yet but yes he would want to give his money to his parents (not all of it) and it would obviously take away from our payments and our savings - i'm fine with helping his parents out - I just don't like the whole 'I don't really need to discuss it with you' attitude - isn't a marriage about just that - discussion and joint decisions?
you are right - you do need to discuss it - maybe you can come up with a plan or a set amount of money that he (well the both of you) can give to his parents each month or something to that effect....i think it should be out in the open....maybe he is embarrased for them?
luvFH2008
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Re: Problems with FH
Yea - maybe he's embarrassed for them - I don't get it though - it makes me question his parents on whether they're brainwashing him to be all dominant in this one matter - like he doesn't need to discuss anything with me - as it is i don't exactly have the best relationship w/ his mom - who btw is having the HARDEST time letting go - that's a whole other issue i guess. Ughh - so hard to be happy about all of this stuff when you're constantly fighting w/ FH.
wifetobe
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Re: Problems with FH
Im sorry you are going through this. Marriage is about being PARTNERS first and foremost. You need to sit down, when he is well rested and in a good mood,,,, and discuss this with him. You don't want to be the wife who is left in the dark!!! He needs to be made aware of what a relationship is about, especially a marriage.
The reason for most divorces is couples fighting over money!!! I would take this time before your wedding and try and discuss this and hoepfully he will realzie what a marriage is supposed to be. It seems you have the right idea about marriage but he does not. This needs to be settled before you say your vows!!! It's not just something to sweep under the rug. If he doesn't come to you to discuss things now..what's it going to be like when you are married.
My mother always said:'whatever problems you have before you get married only get worse after you are married'
Don't mean to be a downer but this is something very important that can't be ignored.
Good luck and stay strong.. Marriage is a Partnership!! Remember that!!!!
zoe282
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Re: Problems with FH
Sounds like a tough situtaiton. I think it takes a little while to get the mentality that your 'new family' you and FH come first. Its tough cause I understand your FH wanting to help his parents but i totally understand your worry that it's going to hinder your finances. Especially so early on in your marrage relationship. I definitely think you need to sit down and talk to him. One thing that has been reitereted to me is ' what you see is what you get' If you FH feels its his duty to help his parents then he probably always will...and it's something you have to decide if you are comfortable with. If you aren't I think it's totally understandable b/c I know it would be hard for me to think that I couldn't afford something for my own family cause it was going to FH's...but definitely sit down adn talk...but I agree the mentality of 'it's none of your business' wouldn't fly for me. Soon his money is your money and you both get to decide where it goes....
MrsHtobe
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Re: Problems with FH
I agree that he should be more open with you about it - my guess is that he is probably a little embarassed that his parents need the help. Its a tricky situation. . . .if it were me, I would understand FH wanting / needing to help them, but I would try to explain to him that its important to be open about finances in the marriage.
If it were my parents, I would want to help them financially too. . .and while I would talk to FH about it, I don't think I would really take 'no' for an answer or budge on it.
Good luck!!!
luvFH2008
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Re: Problems with FH
Posted by MrsHtobe
If it were my parents, I would want to help them financially too. . .and while I would talk to FH about it, I don't think I would really take 'no' for an answer or budge on it.
Good luck!!!
Thanks - this gives me a litle perspective on what FH may be thinking - it's harsh but the truth - I've never had to deal w/ helping my parents out - it's always the other way around so I don't really know where he's coming from - even when my parents help their families out - they discuss it with eachother so that's what I was used to seeing.
mariaobride
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Re: Problems with FH
i think it is very nice that he wants to help his parents out however you both are at a point in your relationship (about to be husband & wife) where he should be consulting with you first about this whole money situation he has to realize you are his family now and that really should be a topic you both can be open about it may get sticky at times (i am sure it does for most people) when it comes to finances but you really do not want it to to be blown out of proportion hope it works out
MrsK2008
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Re: Problems with FH
these are all things FH and I discussed before we ever set a date. Imporatnt topics need to be discussed before you agree to marry a person, IMO.
We don't agree on every topic. That being said, if it doesn't matter to my FH or to myself we do what ever makes us the mpst comfortable in a situation.
Sounds like you have a lot to talk about yet.
good luck with all that!
MrsHtobe
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Re: Problems with FH
Posted by luvFH2008
Posted by MrsHtobe
If it were my parents, I would want to help them financially too. . .and while I would talk to FH about it, I don't think I would really take 'no' for an answer or budge on it.
Good luck!!!
Thanks - this gives me a litle perspective on what FH may be thinking - it's harsh but the truth - I've never had to deal w/ helping my parents out - it's always the other way around so I don't really know where he's coming from - even when my parents help their families out - they discuss it with eachother so that's what I was used to seeing.
I agree 100% that you two should be discussing it. . .I was just kind of letting you know that he might see it as his responsibility. I'm not sure if you're just looking for clarity on what he is giving them or if you think he should be saving the money for your future - both of which are valid requests. . . but if he feels strongly about it, I don't know how far you'll get with it.
