Problems with in-laws....(VERY LONG!!!)

I need your advice...I don't know what to do anymore.

Since FH and I started dating 2 yrs. ago his immediage family (mother, brother and now sister-in-law) have been anything but nice to me. FH's father passed away 5 yrs. ago and shortly after his mother had a stroke and suffered permanent short term memory loss, so basically she has no clue who I am most of the time. This has been very difficult for me to deal with considering I come from a large family and always wanted to have a close relationship with my in-laws. My situation is the complete opposite. Although his mother has always been nice to me, she is just not a warm, friendly person. She is very cold. His brother is just plain mean not only to me, but also to FH. He has told him he is a disappointment to their father (who is dead, mind you) and that he hates him, etc. His brother and sister-in-law have never made me feel welcome, they have never asked me a question about myself and if I try to have a conversation with them they don't reciprocate. Last year when they got married, FH's brother came over to me at the rehearsal dinner and asked that I not sit with his mother the day of the wedding b/c I am not family. This is just an example of the many nasty things he has said to me. His most recent is 'I f*cking hate you, you f*cking b*tch.' The situation is alot more complicated now b/c recently FH's brother and wife moved into his mom's house to help take care of her. FH doesnt agree with alot of what is going on and this has created tremendous arguments between them. They most recently asked us to sign a legal document stated we will never buy a house in Rockville Centre, where they live, b/c they don't want their kids going to school with our kids. They are crazy. On top of this, his brother and wife have decided to blame everything on me....most recently telling FH 'she's changed you' 'look what she's done to you' 'I feel sorry for you' etc. I just don't know what I have ever done to these people. I have a ton of friends and family that love me, I make new friends wherever I go, I am caring, I would do anything for FH and this is how they treat me.

FH and I have argued almost on a weekly basis about this b/c in the beginning FH didn't defend me. He would pretend like his family was not being rude to me. It finally reached a point shortly after we got engaged where I said that he better tell his brother to stop treating me like this or we will not get married. Things have gotten better but not perfect. And I dont expect that they ever will, but how can I marry someone who's family hates me and treats me like **** and doesnt respect me at all. They dont even refer to me by name....it is 'she' or 'her'. I have never taken anyone's crap but I have bitten my tongue for a long time about this b/c I didnt want to hurt FH, but he hasn't 'stepped up' as I would say. I dont want this to be the rest of my life. I know I am marrying FH, but in a sense I am marrying the rest of his family as well. And they will always be there doing what they do best, causing problems between FH and I. When is enough enough?

Any advice you guys can give will be helpful. I dont know what to do anymore. I am at a loss. I dont want to end things with FH, but it is not fair for our life together to be miserable b/c of his family. I honestly feel that his brother and wife have made the last 2 yrs. of my life hell for no reason at all.

I forgot to add in my first post that this whole situation has made me physically sick. I began getting severe migraines several times a week plus I get sick to my stomach alot from nerves. I have also had panic attacks since I was 8 which I thought I had gotten under control....now I get them all the time b/c this whole situation controls my every thought and upsets me constantly. I don't know how to fix it, I dont know if it can be fixed.

First off... i'm so sorry that you've had to deal with this! They are being total sh*ts in my opinion. I know what it's like to come from a family that is not even close to being perfect. In fact, we're so far from perfect and quite dysfunctional 100% of the time. It's very hard to be in a family like that and to try to keep the peace (even though that seems impossible sometimes)!

What your FH's family is doing is totally rude, uncalled for, and so disrespectful to not only you, but your FH as well. Even though it's not the same thing, in high school... my FH's friends were less than happy about me. They felt as though i was stealing him away from them and they never once gave me a chance. I found some of them to be so rude sometimes that my FH and i had a few fights about them. I also told him he had to start saying something and letting his friends know they were being total as*holes to me, which he did start doing. It wasn't easy, but they eventually grew up.

If i were you (and i tend to be upfront about things ), i would confront his family head on. Get the issues out in the open and ask them point blank what there problems with you are. Obviously ignoring them and their comments hasn't gotten you anywhere. And your FH sticking up for you here and there hasn't accomplished too much either. So why not get it out in the open? Whats the worst that could happen... they end up hating you? Well it already sounds like that is the case so you have nothing to lose.

As for your FH, he needs to stand his ground with his family and consistently tell them that this is NOT okay. But coming from a crappy family myself, i don't think you should penialize him for his family's inappropriate behavior. These things take time and if it doesn't get better... then just don't associate with them. Trust me, it took like 5 years before my immature FH's friends came around.

Good luck!

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear your going through this, Crissy.

In all honesty, you are absolutely right, you are marrying into your FI's family, so there needs to be some serious soul-searching going on right now. I'm not sure of how your relationship with your FI is, but I think it's time for another sit-down conversation with him on this. From what you wrote, it sounds like he has made progress, and that's a good thing (but again, I'm not sure as to what extent this 'progress' is), but if this is something that is truly going to prevent you from marrying him, I would have another talk and see what happens.

I know it's not the best of advice, but it's what I would do. If FI didn't take my thoughts on this seriously, I don't think I would be able to go through it either. I guess you need to see what happens after this talk, and make your decision based on his reactions and discussions.

Again, I'm sorry your going through this, and I hope it all works out for you.

FH and I have been going to counseling b/c of this situation and it has helped....however these 'problems' with his brother keep arising.

I have also confronted FH's brother and sister-in-law this past August when FH and I were going to go out to dinner with his family for his birthday. His brother walked in and said 'What are you doing here, I thought only the family was going out to dinner?' We had been engaged for 6 mo. at that point. After that I had it out with FH's brother and his sister-in-law. I did ask them why they dont like me and they honestly dont have an answer. They are just rude, arrogant people. His brother is constantly trying to control Tyler and me being so independent have shown him he is a 'big boy' and can make his own decisions and the decisions we make now are between me and FH not me, FH and his brother.

It is never ending, just a vicious cycle.

Wow. I don't know how you bit your tongue with some of the things FBIL has said to you. What does your FH say about this? I mean, having you sign something to say you won't live in Rockville Center? I've never heard such a thing. You are right though - you are marrying the family too. Good luck, wish I had some advice!

I'm am terribly sorry to hear you are going through this. I am like you I come from a large family and we are all very close, FH family is very small he is an only child and his parents and him are not that close. He has actually cried b/c it bothers him that my mom want to know where everyone of is and what is going on in our lives (there are 6 of us) and his mom doesn't even seem to care what he does. I wish I had great words of wisdom that woudl make these people disappear from your thoughts, but for right now all I can offer is

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Just reading your story made me sick, I know it must be tearing you up inside. The only suggestion that I have for you is to confront them head on. I had to this, and this is the only way we solved the problem. You need to step up if FH won't. Mine wouldn't either, so I stepped up and got the problem resolved. Even if it doesn't solve anything, at least you can say you made the effort.

I really sorry about this.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I wish I had the words to make you feel better. I was so upset reading this. You shouldn't have to have this stress and emotional drainage.

A couple things I feel compelled to say:

- This isn't your fault. Your BIL seems to be a very angry person and for some reason he is taking it out on you. There could be a million reasons why - none of which are right - but something tells me that it's all his own issue and honestly doesn't really have anything to do with you. Hence his not being able to give you a real solid reason.

- It may be possible that FSIL really doesn't feel this way but instead is reacting to her husband. I know this doesn't make it any better but something to keep in mind. I want so bad to help make you feel like not everyone truly feels this way so I might be stretching - but worth a thought.

- Finally, I learned something not too long ago that I really found helpful and want to share with you. Your FBIL seems to be very angry and very aggressive. He also doesn't seem to be the kind of person that feels remorse for his behavior nor does he really care that he can never take back what he has said. This is a person you cannot change. The most important thing to understand with him is that no matter what - you cannot expect him to change his ways and you cannot expect an apology because neither will probably ever happen. But on the other hand, you DO NOT have deal with this. You do not have to accept his behavior. I think it's great that you and FH have been seeing a counselor - that is a huge step to dealing with this but I also think that the two of you have to clearly and honestly explain to each other what you expect in terms of a relationship with FBIL.

There is a book (I'll see if I can find the correct title and author) and it's called something like 'How to deal with difficult people.' It really is a great book to start with.

I hope things get better for you.

first and foremost had to give you hugs.

so sorry you are going through this entire situation. my FFIL hats my guts, so i can relate. i've never done anything to him, and he hates me just on principle, since FH used to like a bank account to his dad, and i got him to realize he doesn't have to support his welfare addicted father. so now the dad hates me and calls me names.

you're gonna have to accept that his family will never want or care to have a relationship with you. don't try and figure it out....it makes no sense. some people are just that mean and ridiculious. if you marry your FH, then you are marrying into some drama--and only you know if you can take it.

fighting with FH probably won't help anything. don't forget that he is stuck in the middle of all this. he loves and cares for you--but he also probably wants to please the family also.

i hope you can figure something out with him and not let this destroy your relationship...because quite frankly that is exactly what they want

oh and btw--i hope you guys didn't SIGN that legal contract about not ever buying a house in rockville centre??!?!?

Wow, that is a really tough spot you are in, but please understand first and foremost that this doesn't sound like it has anything to do w/ you!!! It sounds like they are angry, rude and thoughtless people - no normal person acts in that manner! I'm sure they didn't start behaving in this way when you came into the picture, I'm sure they were always like this. And it sounds like they treat your FH like s*it too. It also sounds like the way your FH deals w/ it is to pretend it doesn't exist, or downplay it. Think about it - you grow up in a family where people are belittling you and telling you they hate you and you're a disappointment - that is hard to deal w/ and people do what they can to deal w/ it in the best way they know how. However, I'm not saying it's okay for your FH to let his family treat you like that, and it's also not okay for him to let his family treat him like that either. It's a problem FH should look into, for his own sake and for the sake of your marriage. The counseling is an excellent way to start - I will you all the best!!!!

You have FM..

I'm in a really siilar situation, and I had to go through the 'defend me or else' thing too. It took a really huge thing for my FH to start defending me the way I need him to, something really horrible I hope you never have to go through. I don't really have any advice. Just stay strong. I'm at a loss myself.