Question

frogie Posted: Apr 16, 2003 06:01 PM

Question

Hi I am new to this but I have a question and I would like your advice. I was snooping in my fh email and I found an email confirming a one month subscription to a pornography website. I brought up the topic to him on the phone and he lied and said he would never pay for it. He admitted to looking at it but not to paying for it. I told him he would probably never tell me if he did and at first he said he would tell me and then he said probably not. He said what would the big deal be anyway. I know i was dishonest by snooping but he also lied to me very convincingly. what do you ladies think and how would you feel in my position?

kptoys Posted: Apr 16, 2003 06:04 PM

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First WELCOME

Second Shame on you for snooping

Third Shame on him for visiting porn sites

Fourth Hes a guy, they like that kind of stuff, he was probably embarrassed that he was looking... Dont worry about it

dino1109 Posted: Apr 16, 2003 06:14 PM

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While I agree with KP, I also think you should tell him that you understand he like porn but he should sahre this with you not hide it! whats to be ashamed of anyway! And if your honest about not really caring if he looks at porn than he shoud have nothing to be embarrassed about. After all, he is a GUY!

frogie Posted: Apr 16, 2003 08:16 PM

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Yeah but what do you think about that fact that he paid for it online. isnt that a bit much than just looking at it

Stacey1403 Posted: Apr 16, 2003 08:22 PM

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Always remember if you snoop you will inevitably find something you don't want to see!!!

As for the porn I would freak out too! My hubby and BIL call me the porn nazi talk to him honestly about it and let him know how you feel! You don't want this to be a big issue in your marriage later! Good luck

swags1016 Posted: Apr 16, 2003 08:32 PM

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I agree with Karen. I do not like the fact that he is hiding 'purchases' from you. Are you sure it was not a free trial?

Look at it this way- I trust my fiance to death. He likes porn. He is a guy- sadly it is their nature! It is some male bonding thing-- like a good shoe sale to us! I would rather have him looking at porn site at home where I know where he is then out in clubs checking out other girls, going to strip clubs all the time, or s lutting around. Tell him you are sorry you snooped but from now on you want him to just be honest with you that is the most important thing!

frogie Posted: Apr 16, 2003 09:05 PM

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Thanks for all your advice. I havent even told hin that I snooped and know that he is lying to me. I know it was not a free trial because the email was confirming the payment for one month. I tried to get it out of him and he was able to lie so well. I didnt talk to him in person yet about it just over the phone. He lives out of state. My main concern is the honesty issue. Im scard if he can lie so good about that what else is he lying about. Now he is a SUPER guy and I trust him so much. I think that is why this is so bothersome to me.

Stacey1403 Posted: Apr 16, 2003 09:07 PM

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Don't take this the wrong way PLEASEEEE but if you trust him why were you snooping?

allure Posted: Apr 16, 2003 09:10 PM

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Blow it off Seriously

Misty Posted: Apr 16, 2003 09:34 PM

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Welcome to the boards.

Honestly, I think confronting him about it like that put him on the defensive. I mean, you were snooping in his email, found this, and then confronted him about it. He was probably a combination of mad and embarrassed. A lot of people who are put in this situation would also lie..it's a difficult way to be dealt something.

I don't think it's a big deal that he paid for it, I mean, guys will be guys. This is really no different than him walking into a store and buying Penthouse or Playboy...

When are you guys getting married? It's a Wednesday in your bio..

butterfly20 Posted: Apr 16, 2003 10:13 PM

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in my opinion, i wouldnt see anything wrong with it if the guy looked at it, i might be a little concerned that he is paying for it. But on the other hand, its ALOT better than him going out and getting an escort service. He cannot touch or cheat with these women, its only something for him to look at... maybe he should pick up playboy at the newsstand instead? Just a thought for an alternative. i dont think you should be concerned about it, it is harmless

gertyrae Posted: Apr 17, 2003 12:15 AM

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i really wouldn't worry about it. My FH had to be totally reassured that I didn't care before he would admit to watching it.

bride2be2004 Posted: Apr 17, 2003 09:26 AM

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Welcome!
i really think you should evaluate the reasons why you were snooping. does it have to do with your fi or is it just you? if it is just your insecurity, then try to address it before it becomes a problem. sometimes we let what has happened in the past spill over into our new relationships. don't make that mistake. you say he's a good guy, focus on that. as for the porn... i may be the only female on this site that says... big deal! if you can't beat them join them. find some porn that you can tolerate and watch it with him. you might enjoy it and he certainly would love you for it. as long as he isn't looking to hook up with anyone, or obsessing(sp) over it let him have his fun.