DH and I got into a bit of a tiff tonight. Yes we are under a lot of stress! Two months in a row of chemical pregnancies. However, I cant use that as an exuse as to our argument tonight. We were having a lovely evening, dinner, candles, bach softly playing in the background...ect. We got on the topic of....'Ok, we FINALLY have children and...' then we got into this HORRIBLE fight about if we both were to pass away at the same time, who would get the children, his sister or mine. I won't lie, I am biased and want my sister to get them. However, I can be swayed. I think this is a VERY serious subject and is bound to cause some debat. As I said, I am biased, but I can be swayed as long as it is the best interest of the children. We talked about this for about 6 minutes, he freaked out and walked away saying 'why are we talking about a hypothetical, this is rediculous, let's wait until you can finally make it past 5 weeks' low blow in m opinion) before we have this discussion. My thought is holy crap why have we not has this discussion before! I walked away from this discussion VERY hurt. My questions are... how did you have this question and deal with it rationally and how did you come to a final conclusion?
Claud2001
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Re: Question for those mothers amd tp be mothers
I feel for you...this is a very sore subject for us, too! None of our siblings are all that responsible for themselves, let alone our children, should (God forbid!) anything happen to us!
I don't have any answers for you...but, just wanted to offer some
Stacey1403
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Re: Question for those mothers amd tp be mothers
Deb.
We did discuss this before we had Damien and both agreed that my sister and BIL would take him. BUT the chances of anything like that happening is slim.
One of the reasons we chose my sister is that she and BIL are better off financially than anyone in his family, plus I think his sister is nuts
lilmrs
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Re: Question for those mothers and to be mothers
I edited this post because I thought, wow I am rude to put the family finances right there on the board for all to see. Sorry, I deleted them because it was not my place to put them there.
Stacey1403
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Re: Question for those mothers and to be mothers
Yikes
Well just be really careful and never drive
You guys will work it out. I'm sure the emotions of just trying for baby are making you both very sensitive.
~*~*~*~ BABY DUST ~*~*~*~
lilmrs
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Re: Question for those mothers and to be mothers
LOL Stac...is it wrong to say...I am over trying? In all honesty, I dont know if we could handle a third month of this, He said tonight, maybe we should deal with this when we actually conceive, and I have to tell you, it really hurt my feelings, Almost as if he did not care or realize what has happened over the last two months.
jlf41
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Re: Question for those mothers and to be mothers
Deb, I am sorry you are having such a tough time. My sense is that your DH is hurting from the losses too. It must be hard for a guy to deal with his wife's fertility issues- how can he express his hurt without making you feel bad? THere is no excuse though for him to make cheap shots at you- especially in the middle of an argument. Maybe this is a subject (who gets the kids) where he feels like he can be in control, given the reality that alot of what has been going on with your pregnancies is so out of his control.
I don't really have any advice about choosing your child's guardian, except to try to really get to the heart of the issue once your emotions calm down a bit. Sending support and hugs.
Laura
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Re: Question for those mothers and to be mothers
Not being there yet but being asked by others for a total of 4 children I thought I would lend what I have learned about this type of situation---
The reason why we were chosen by me brother and SIL and my cousin and her husband was not because of our financial situation (positive or negative) but the fact that they believed God forbid that if anything would happen that they knew that we would raise their kids very similar to the way they had ( ie: our morals, outlook on life, practices, etc)
on the financial end that will all be taken care of in way of life insurance, trusts, etc---
I didn't know much about this until we had been asked-first to be runner ups(yeah sounds sick but have learned you should have a back up plan) and then for my twin nieces
Not sure if this helps--and I can't imagine what you are going thru but I do know that DH and I have started that subject and he does NOT like to talk about it either-- it is not something many people want to face and with emotions all over the place you end up in these types of situations
to you
Laura
Elizabeth
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Re: Question for those mothers and to be mothers
I would suggest going to a lawyer and getting everything put in a legal document. A will, guardianship of your children, etc. DH & I didnt argue at all about who would care for our son - we both want his sis & brother in law, there was never a question. But I would decide based on who you think would raise you child the way you would want them to. Who has similar values and who would respect your wishes or know your wishes enough to mirror what you would do. Also, we have life insurance policies so if God forbid, anything happened to us, our child would not be a financial burden on the guardians. So that's a another thing to consider investing in either now or when the time comes. Try not to argue about it, it's one of the many decision you & DH will have to make together in regards to children. Good luck. Im sorry about the chemical pregnancies, I wish you a healthy pregnancy next time.
HTH
ETA: I was thinking about your post and I had to come back on line to add - maybe you & DH can focus on nurturing each other through this emotional time rather than arguing about something that you have time to discuss. I can only imagine how hard it's been on you both. When you start getting onto the topic and arguing, try to remember how much you love each other and refocus there for now. Just for now. You can always revisit this topic later on when the time comes, it looks like you got some good advice in the posts so I just want to add another too. Take it a day at a time.
jenny11.9
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Re: Question for those mothers and to be mothers
this is just a case of stress sweetie. my girlfriend had a chemical pregnancy before being successful - (and due on February 10th! )- but I remember she and her husband just were fighting like cats and dogs. It's such an unexplained and emotional time, and I remember thinking there is not enough support out there for women who experience this. It's as if it's not really categorized as a miscarriage when I think that is all the woman can really see it as, and the men just feel so confused. I cannot imagine the disappointment of seeing the line and it not being the case....
I would suggest you try to focus on something un-baby - maybe with the holidays coming up this will be easier. But maybe to immerse yourselves in fixing up a room in your home, or putting shelves up in closets and organizing, things like that.....things that you do together that re-inforce your little team there until that little wonder finally makes it into your lives. Which it will. Soon.
(As far as the actual argument goes. We have never disagreed on this as my sisters are simply much more capable, with homes in safe areas and children of their own in one case. They are both married, happy and healthy individuals and my husband has always felt that they would be safest with them if anything should ever happen. )
