QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE SAYING I DO

Are you ready for married life?


So you're in a relationship, and you're thinking about taking the plunge of all plunges -- marriage! How can you be sure, really sure, that you're making the right decision? Well, you can't. But we've come up with a list of issues to help you with the big questions. Read through them and see what you think.

Relationship


You go to each other for advice, and you almost always come away feeling better about things.

You are supportive of each other's decisions, even when they **** -- er, we mean, you just don't agree with them.
You tell your honey when he or she has hurt you, instead of holding a grudge.

You are generally able to resolve fights to your mutual satisfaction.
You both know that relationships take work, and you are willing to go the distance.

You respect, admire, listen to and just plain like each other, gosh darn it!

You share enough of the same interests and friends that you don't feel like you are always on your own.
You have similar spending/saving habits, or you've discussed how you'll each compromise to keep the peace.
You have the same attitude about paying bills or debt management.

You are aware of each other's total present debt, if any.

You have discussed how you will merge your finances once you get married, and you are comfortable with the plan.
You have told your honey about all your and have no hidden nest eggs, 'just in case.'

You have similar definitions of a 'comfortable' income, and similar or symbiotic income goals.

Sex

Your sexual needs are compatible, and you are both satisfied with your lives between the sheets (on the kitchen table, in the shower, wherever).

You are comfortable giving and taking sexual suggestions and requests.

Birth control is something you consider a joint responsibility, and you have openly discussed your options and preferences.

You use sex as a healthy and FUN expression of your LOVE, not as a way to gloss over problematic issues in your relationship, a weapon, or an easy way to solve disputes (without addressing the root of the argument).

You've 'fessed up about your sexual past (at least most of it!) and had frank discussions about STDs and previous partners (or lack thereof).

Family

You generally get along with each other's families (we're not talking about a sappy love fest, just general friendliness and goodwill), and if not, you've at least discussed to what extent they will play a role in your future family life.

You are willing and prepared to regard each other as your most important familial relationship after you get married.

You have similar religious beliefs or you have discussed how to incorporate religion into your future family.

You've talked about children -- how many you want, or if you want them at all.

If you have children from a previous marriage, he or she treats them with respect and kindness.

You've considered not only the future responsibility of caring for your honey, but also the possibility of caring for their parents or other family members.

If a majority of these statements are true about your relationship, you're in great shape -- we say go for it! But if the majority are 'don't know' or 'no way,' your relationship needs more work before you're ready to tie the knot.

Don't despair -- knowing what you need to tackle is half the battle.

Good luck!

-- Alison Salat

Check out THESE questions. FH and looked at them together. Very important
Ready to Pop the Question?
First, Do the Interrogation
Feb 6, 2003
By JEFFREY ZASLOW
Staff Reporter of THE WALL STREET JOURNAL

If you have an engagement ring in your pocket, with plans for a memorable Valentine's Day, you might want to hold off asking, 'Will you marry me?'

Instead, consider these less romantic but more crucial questions:

After we get married, will you maintain contact with past lovers? Whose advice will you accept first, mine or your mother's? If we have two cars, who drives the newer one? Has anyone ever had reason to be afraid of you? Do you put other people down to make yourself feel better? Does my nose hair bother you?

Whew! It's no longer the institution of marriage. It's the inquisition.

As researchers, religions, marriage counselors and worried parents search for ways to help marrying couples avoid divorce, many are determining that the answer may lie in the questions.

A 'pre-marital inventory' developed at the University of Minnesota is now administered by clergy and counselors world-wide. Other researchers are studying divorced couples to see which questions they wish they had asked before taking the leap. And several states have new programs encouraging young couples to postpone marriage until they hash out issues.

Meanwhile, marital-advice Web sites are loaded with loaded questions. One adviser will even suggest personalized questions you can ask. Her fee: $1.50 per minute on the phone.

Can physical violence to a mate be justified? What will we do if our child is born with a disability? Are you uncomfortable with women in high-paying jobs? When we drive together, who gets the wheel?

'The majority of divorce-causing issues already exists before the wedding,' says Corey Donaldson, who interviewed 600 divorced people for his book 'Don't You Dare Get Married Until You Read This!' Having the stomach to ask hard questions, he says, prevents future heartache.

Some questions seem unnecessary. Ask them anyway, says Mr. Donaldson. For instance: Have you ever had a homosexual experience? 'One woman told me she never thought to ask that,' he says. 'Had she known, she wouldn't have married her husband, who later left her for a man.'

Among the most telling questions: Would you ever consider trading in your engagement ring for a bigger, better diamond? In a 1988 poll of 200 new brides by Diamond Cutters International, 46% said yes and 54% said no.

Now, 15 years later, these women have been polled again. Of those who in 1988 were willing to trade up their diamonds, 81% are now divorced. Of the sentimental types who said they'd never trade their rings, 78% remain married today. The results suggest that people who are 'hard-wired' to upgrade rings also may be driven to upgrade cars, houses and eventually, spouses, says psychiatrist Francisco Montalvo, who monitored the study.

Naturally, all of these questioning exercises are dependent on honesty. Before Jim Bilello of Mundelein, Ill., got married in 1983 at age 23, he and his fiancée attended Catholic marriage-encounter sessions. He was too immature and insecure to be honest, he says.

The marriage soon ended in divorce. Three years later, Mr. Bilello met his second wife in a co-dependent support group, where he learned to answer painful questions. He talked openly about how his dad's suicide and a dysfunctional childhood affected his relationships.

Daniel Caine, president of Split-Up.com (www.split-up.com1), a financial-planning firm for divorcing couples, says divorce is rooted in five areas: insecurity, money, communication, clash of values and insufficient separation from family. He recommends asking: Are you comfortable with my religious observance? My family? My urge for wealth? 'Opposites attract,' he warns, 'but that doesn't mean they stay together.'

Of course asking the right premarital questions doesn't guarantee a thriving relationship. And some couples who aren't perfectly aligned in major areas can still succeed. Their secret: a strong dialogue. The Minnesota inventory helps by ranking the severity of couples' differences. You can sample the survey free of charge at www.lifeinnovations.com2.

Jon Messersmith, 34, of Mount Vernon, N.Y., recently got divorced, partly because he and his wife were independently pursuing entrepreneurial careers. The ventures didn't work out, putting strain on a young marriage. Among questions Mr. Messersmith says he'll ask in the future: If one of us meets with unexpected success or failure at work, how will it affect our relationship?

Before getting married in 1995, Clayton Gurnett asked his father, 'Am I doing the right thing?' His dad replied: 'Do you love her?' Mr. Gurnett responded: 'She's a good person. She'll make a good mother.'

'He should have stopped me right there,' Mr. Gurnett now says. His dad agrees.

The marriage failed, and before remarrying in 2001, Mr. Gurnett decided to ask and answer many vital questions. He and his bride, Sumi, even wrote questions into their wedding ceremony, including, 'Am I doing the right thing?' They answered 'yes' without hesitation. 'I looked at my dad,' Mr. Gurnett recalls, 'and he was bawling.'

Valentine's Day is considered the year's busiest proposal day. But you still have time if questions remain: Will you share my crazed enthusiasms just because they're mine? Is there something about you that you hope I never find out? Do you want me to call out your name during lovemaking?

Granted, asking hardball personal questions is uncomfortable, unromantic and awkward. 'But so is divorce,' says Mr. Donaldson. 'Which do you prefer?'

I like them a lot In all the joy of planning some serious issues can be pushed to the side or not discussed.

This is SO telling

Among the most telling questions: Would you ever consider trading in your engagement ring for a bigger, better diamond? In a 1988 poll of 200 new brides by Diamond Cutters International, 46% said yes and 54% said no.

Now, 15 years later, these women have been polled again. Of those who in 1988 were willing to trade up their diamonds, 81% are now divorced. Of the sentimental types who said they'd never trade their rings, 78% remain married today. The results suggest that people who are 'hard-wired' to upgrade rings also may be driven to upgrade cars, houses and eventually, spouses, says psychiatrist Francisco Montalvo, who monitored the study

WOw, that is an eye opener

wanting an upgrade in ring means you will end up divorced. At least that is what I got from the study

I guess they are trying to say that if you are so materialistic to want a bigger better ring, you might look for a bigger better husband. I think it ties into the whole theory about never being satisfied.


Now what about that nose hair question?

Sometimes the grass is not always greener, when you get there it might all be rocks.

Everything comes with a price tag, including wealth.

I love my FH, I don't want to upgrade him for something 'better.'

The questions made us both think twice though. Especially ones like who gets to drive the newer car and who drives when you go out? Both FH and I said whoever wants to drive usually does (he is SUPER comfortable with me driving) and whoever pays for the newer car gets to drive it (unless that person doesn't want to drive and offers to the other)

I think you get a 'calling' when you know you should get married, just like the priesthood and the convent. If you have doubts, there is often a reason.

Sometimes we see the signs and choose to ignore them tho' it is very hard to turn back once that ring is on the finger and the planning ball has started to roll, the dress, the invites etc. I think most would rather ignore the signs than cancel IMO I guess divorce is cheaper than a moment of embarassment.