Member since
(rainy) monday pick me ups
Member since
Re: (rainy) monday pick me ups
Member since
Re: (rainy) monday pick me ups
(617):
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
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(703):
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
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(516):
Found your pants in the mailbox
(646):
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
(516):
I don't know but there's postage on them
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(423):
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
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(406):
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone 'no no no she has to work for this money'
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(713):
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
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(719):
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said 'you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that'
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(314):
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
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Today, I went on a first date to the movies. During the flick, I choked on a piece of popcorn. I took a gulp of soda and that got stuck as well. I finally got my breath back and let out the loudest burp I ever have. He looked at me and said 'Does this mean I can fart now?' FML
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Today, I tried to get over my childhood phobia of syringes by donating blood. The phlebotomist hadn't even touched the needle before I started sobbing hysterically. They made me leave. FML
^ that'd be me
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Today, at work, an old lady came through my line to buy some groceries. She told me she lost her purse and was a little short. It was busy, so I pulled out my little purse and gave her the money she needed. A few minutes later she returned with my boss, insisting that my purse was hers. FML
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Today, I was in the bathroom stall when a man made eye-contact with me through the cracks. I quickly looked away, and about a minute later I looked back to see if he was gone. He was still there and was actually trying to keep making eye-contact with me while I pooped. FML
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Today, I was on an airplane, riding in first class for the first time in my life. The man next to me turned to me just before takeoff, stared at my chest, and said that he hoped there would be severe turbulence. FML
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Today, I let out the most horrific, loudest, and most vile smelling fart I have ever had in my life while in the middle of yoga class. Out of embarrassment, I tried to lessen the tension in the silent room by giggling, but no one saw the funny side. I was given looks of horror, and avoided by everyone else for the rest of the class. FML
---
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I finished too quickly and apologized. She said she was used to it by now. FML
---
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
---
(703):
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
---
(516):
Found your pants in the mailbox
(646):
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
(516):
I don't know but there's postage on them
---
(423):
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
---
(406):
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone 'no no no she has to work for this money'
---
(713):
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
---
(719):
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said 'you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that'
---
(314):
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
------
Today, I went on a first date to the movies. During the flick, I choked on a piece of popcorn. I took a gulp of soda and that got stuck as well. I finally got my breath back and let out the loudest burp I ever have. He looked at me and said 'Does this mean I can fart now?' FML
---
Today, I tried to get over my childhood phobia of syringes by donating blood. The phlebotomist hadn't even touched the needle before I started sobbing hysterically. They made me leave. FML
^ that'd be me
---
Today, at work, an old lady came through my line to buy some groceries. She told me she lost her purse and was a little short. It was busy, so I pulled out my little purse and gave her the money she needed. A few minutes later she returned with my boss, insisting that my purse was hers. FML
---
Today, I was in the bathroom stall when a man made eye-contact with me through the cracks. I quickly looked away, and about a minute later I looked back to see if he was gone. He was still there and was actually trying to keep making eye-contact with me while I pooped. FML
---
Today, I was on an airplane, riding in first class for the first time in my life. The man next to me turned to me just before takeoff, stared at my chest, and said that he hoped there would be severe turbulence. FML
---
Today, I let out the most horrific, loudest, and most vile smelling fart I have ever had in my life while in the middle of yoga class. Out of embarrassment, I tried to lessen the tension in the silent room by giggling, but no one saw the funny side. I was given looks of horror, and avoided by everyone else for the rest of the class. FML
---
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I finished too quickly and apologized. She said she was used to it by now. FML
---
Member since
Re: (rainy) monday pick me ups
Member since
Re: (rainy) monday pick me ups
'you were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out... '
This one...
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This one...
