re: 2 years later????

Okay...I don't want to get into specifics b/c there may be lurkers but here is the situation.

A friend of mine is engaged and has been since last April and was planning a big wedding for April 2009.

Now she just told me she is getting married so she can get her fiance's medical benfits (he is in the armed services) this April 2008 in a small luncheon w/ their parents, their grandparents, and their siblings.

Now here is where I want people's opinions.....she then proceeds to inform me on how she is going to have a HUGE $200+ per plate wedding in April 2010!?!?


Does anyone think its a little odd to get married in 2008, live together, be married, and then plan a huge wedding for 2 years later???

Just to be clear I'm NOT talking about people who live together and then get married.

I'm talking about her family is going to be there to witness her marriage and then 2 years later she is going to have a huge wedding and a registry.
I'm trying to see if its me but one lady at my job said it was poor ettiquette.

if it was a few months to 1 year after the small wedding i would say that's absolutely fine! people do it all the time when they have tiny destination weddings or elope. but 2 years after the fact is a bit too long.

honestly, i have a feeling the big wedding will never happen. she might just be saying that because she's slightly embarassed that she's not doing the big wedding thing ... which she shouldn't be! once married life and possibly babies come along, i don't think she'll be planning a $200+/person wedding. sounds like just talk to me!

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Posted by Danyell48

I've heard of some people doing this, so they can get on their spouses insurance but they go down to city hall and keep it to themselves and then have a big 'wedding' for family and friends

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Yes my friend just did this... i see nothing wrong with it... you're getting married anyway.

Our friends are doing this. They got married when she was 18 and he was 20. They had 2 friends as witnesses and their families were not there. He was a marine.

Now, 2 years later, they are having a large wedding with showers and registries and the whole nine. Honestly, it's not a wedding. They're already married. It's a vow renewal, but they are entitled to the wedding that they always dreamed of and just did not have the time for then. Her family deserves to be there. I see what you're saying, but I think everyone deserves their day to be a princess...but why not do it all now..and fast...some people have done it in 4 months or so...she could pull it off!

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Posted by LauraD419
Honestly, it's not a wedding. They're already married. It's a vow renewal, but they are entitled to the wedding that they always dreamed of and just did not have the time for then. Her family deserves to be there.

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But in this case, her family will be there when she gets married the first time???

i don't know.... i feel like it really takes out the romantic feel out of the whole wedding/ marriage. i would love to get my FH's insurance, and have a better claim for tax purposes...

i feel like if you're going to do it, then do it all the way! i agree with another post... waiting 2 yeas seems unrealistic- life gets in the way, and who has the money for a huge wedding like that.

i've been to a wedding like that though, and it was a little strange... hahaha i didn't know what kind of card to buy, a wedding card wasn't appropriate, so i went with an anniversary card. hahaha

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Posted by Jayla127

JMO!! I don't see a problem with it. If she is getting married to her FH because she needs medical benefits then she should do it.. And, if she wants to have a small ceremony now and then have an elaborate wedding later than that's ok. That is what makes them happy! It doesn't matter how long they wait. My girlfriend and her husband were married 5 years ago and decided to have a large wedding this July.

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I see what you are saying but shes the type that invited her family to her e-party and criticized everyone that didn't give at least $200 in their cards.

Like I feel that in two years after EVERYONE of her family members and friends already knows shes married, people won't be as 'into it' and I give really good wedding gifts but I refuse to shell out $500 to someone who has already been married, filing taxes together, living together, having his last name, etc for the last two years...b/c they aren't 'starting out'....ya know? I'm trying to really see her view but I'm just not getting it.

FMIL actual suggested that we do this so FH (before he got into his current position) could have my benefits since he had none. i thought it was bizarre at the time, which is why i politely thanked her for her suggestion and went ahead w/ my plans.

it's a you-can't-have-your-cake-and-eat-it-too kind of situation.

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Posted by Jayla127

JMO!! I don't see a problem with it. If she is getting married to her FH because she needs medical benefits then she should do it.. And, if she wants to have a small ceremony now and then have an elaborate wedding later than that's ok. That is what makes them happy! It doesn't matter how long they wait. My girlfriend and her husband were married 5 years ago and decided to have a large wedding this July.

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I agree. Medical benefits are important - if I didnt have insurance and needed it I might consider that too. Think of it this way - would she have had to wait and save up for a wedding even if she didnt do the civil service? Probably, the answer is yes. So why not let her have her special day too?

TRUST ME! I've thought of this as FH doesn't have insurance right now!! and he should!! but he is a perm. sub at an elem school and he doesn't get benefits!!

but we decided that we want our wedding day to be SPECIAL!!!! and we want to be MARRIED ON OUR DAY!!!!!!!!!!!

(however we so thought of it lol lol lol) but we would NOT be doing it and then getting married in 2010..we would be doing it.... and then getting married less than a year later...

but we want our wedding to really be OUR WEDDING

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Posted by MrsDtoBe09

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Posted by Jayla127

JMO!! I don't see a problem with it. If she is getting married to her FH because she needs medical benefits then she should do it.. And, if she wants to have a small ceremony now and then have an elaborate wedding later than that's ok. That is what makes them happy! It doesn't matter how long they wait. My girlfriend and her husband were married 5 years ago and decided to have a large wedding this July.

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I agree. Medical benefits are important - if I didnt have insurance and needed it I might consider that too. Think of it this way - would she have had to wait and save up for a wedding even if she didnt do the civil service? Probably, the answer is yes. So why not let her have her special day too?

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Same here. I dont have medical and cant afford to get it on my own being a single mom, the state says I make too much $ to get it throw them a$$holes but, FH and I are thinking about doing this real soon. WE'll be married a year later if we end up doing it. Nothing wrong with it.
There are people out there that get married because they got pregnant and have a big wedding after the baby is born and there's nothing wrong with that either.

Well as the ladies who were here a year ago know, I am sort of in this boat.

DH and I were actually married at city hall in 2003. It was me, him and his best friend as a witness. This was NOT for insurance purposes.

(As a side not there there is absolutely no romanticism at a city hall wedding - they say - do you take _______ to be your husband? Then you respond yes and then they say do you take ________ to be your wife? then the other person says yes.)

In any event, I was in college away at school, and DH was here on Long Island and there was absolutely no way that we could afford a wedding knowing that I still had to finish school and was planning on going to law school (there are other issues that i am not going to get into here).

I never had the big wedding, so once we were situated enough, we decided we were going to do a Vow Renewal on our 6th anniversary (which was the next time that our date fell on a Saturday).

I have to say I am going all out - I have the dress and a huge wedding party - everything that I basically ever dreamed of doing. And I have to say, my family has been nothing BUT SUPPORTIVE. The purpose of having a big wedding is not for the GIFTS (as this wedding will cost us much more than we would ever get - and I could care less if we get anything) - its purpose is to share the wedding with your family and have all of the memories.

Irrespective of that fact, I happen to know that everyone is going all out for us too - because we never had the experience the first time around. And just b/c technically we are married, doesnt mean that we shouldnt enjoy it too. Even if you are getting married the traditional way - you shouldnt expect all the gifts and everything - they are nice, but that is not the purpose of the wedding.

So I dont think that someone should be cheated out on a big wedding of their dreams simply b/c things didnt work out exactly as planned in the beginning.

I am sorry if I sound harsh, but I guess speaking from my own experiences, if I were her, I would be hurt that as my friend you felt that way.

my friend had the same sitch. She married her bf before he was deployed to Iraq in 04. Then they married in 06 with a big reception and church wedding.
I have no opposition to it. Some people legitimately need to get married for financial or medical reasons.

I think as long as the love underlying it is strong, then go for it!

This is a tuff decision but it is their decision.
I wouldn't get involved. If they want to do it fine but I wouldn't even get my emotions involved or try rationalize it for myself. She's your friend and I'm sure you'll be there for her whether its now or in 2 years from now.
Everyone does deserve to be a princess for a day!

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Posted by mcclj74
Even if you are getting married the traditional way - you shouldnt expect all the gifts and everything - they are nice, but that is not the purpose of the wedding.
I am sorry if I sound harsh, but I guess speaking from my own experiences, if I were her, I would be hurt that as my friend you felt that way.

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I see what your saying COMPLETELY...but in her situation she already has medical benefits, savings, her fiance just paid cash in full for a new audi for her as an x-mas gift......( i only mention this b/c i want to show that shes not struggling or 'Saving up for anything' etc)

I think shes just being selfish. I agree that the gifts are not the focal point but she was upset with anything 'less than $200 for her engagement party' and called me complaining about her family that they were 'a bunch of cheap a$$es' and my only thing is that 2 years from now people are not going to shell out $500 plus b/c as you stated its a little nontraditional.


I don't want to start anything on the boards...so please don't take anything I say personally I just wanted to see other peoples opinions.

Love you all