Rehearsal dinner etiquette question

caper24 Posted: May 29, 2009 12:15 AM

Rehearsal dinner etiquette question

My FFIL is paying for the rehearsal dinner, which as I understand, is what is done traditionally. I am very grateful for his generous offer, but now I feel obligated to limit the guests to only the people who are 'rehearsing' with us (ex. bridal party, etc.) ( I only have 2 BM btw and no groomsmen, so it's VERY small)
Is it customary to invite all the out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner, even if they are not part of the rehearsing process? I feel I want to invite my friends that are traveling all the way from FL or CA and are staying in the hotel the night before the wedding. On the other hand, I don't want my FFIL to think, what the heck is she doing inviting these other people that are not in the wedding party??? I don't want him to feel obligated to pay for everyone that I want there.
What is proper? Should I offer him money toward the dinner for my OOT guests that will be there? Or is it expected that all the OOT guests get invited to the rehearsal dinner?
TIA

FallBride2010 Posted: May 29, 2009 12:41 AM

Re: Rehearsal dinner etiquette question

I've been to several OOT weddings and have always been invited to the RD...so assumed it was customary. Can you or your FH talk to your FFIL and get his thoughts. If he isnt up for paying for it, I would offer to cover your guests (if it's within your budget).

MrsCM Posted: May 29, 2009 12:46 AM

Re: Rehearsal dinner etiquette question

I don't know if it's customary or not and it had not dawned on me to invite my OOT guests but now that you mention it I absolutely will!

Sweeteey51 Posted: May 29, 2009 12:49 AM

Re: Rehearsal dinner etiquette question

Rehearsal dinner is for the bridal party/parents & maybe the bridal party spouses too but not out of town guest.

springsandra Posted: May 29, 2009 07:24 AM

Re: Rehearsal dinner etiquette question

I have always been told (and heard on here) that the RD is for people rehearsing and OOT guests...

However...

My dad said to me the other day that he and my step-mom may not come to the RD. I was like WHAT??? and he said it was because he didn't think there was a reason to since he met the FILs last weekend and he and my mom still can't be civilized in a room together (well, that's my wording, not his)

I told him they have to be there since we will be rehearsing and FFIL plans to show some sort of slide show then! So he's agreeing to come...

On to the real question about the OOTers... so at first I thought I really HAVE to invite them all. (We have a LOT.) But now I'm thinking that I will give them info about local restaurants in their welcome bags so we can keep the numbers down to try to make the RD a little less awkward. I'm only slightly worried about what people will say.

The last OOT wedding I attended, I was not invited to the RD and it didn't even occur to me that I could've been. Makes me feel awkward to be around all those people I barely know who have a lot more to stress about than entertaining me as an OOT guest.

I think it's ok to just invite people who need to rehearse.

Lsorrent Posted: May 29, 2009 07:47 AM

Re: Rehearsal dinner etiquette question

Every OOT wedding I've been to, I've been invited to the RD. Talk to your FFIL and get his input. Are we talking like 5 or 6 people? Or are we talking like 20?

LadyDuda81509 Posted: May 29, 2009 07:54 AM

Re: Rehearsal dinner etiquette question

how many out of towners would you have to invite! i think you should! they are your friends and coming from far away to support you on your wedding day! i mean if you had a bigger bridal party they would have all have to get invited right...

alli3131 Posted: May 29, 2009 08:38 AM

Re: Rehearsal dinner etiquette question

IT really depends..... almost every wedding I have been to I have been an OOT guest because my extended family does not live here. I have not once been invited to a RD. I did not invite every OOT guest to mine.....it would have been 3/4 of the wedding. Not a single OOT guest expected to be invited.

I would talk to the in-laws and see what their budget is. It can get very expensive to invite all the OOT guests. Maybe limit it to people in the wedding and close family. A large RD can just add extra stress to the entire process. I had 30 people at mine and I was running around that day finalizing the RD when I still had a million and one things to do for the wedding.

JamDancer Posted: May 29, 2009 11:33 AM

Re: Rehearsal dinner etiquette question

OOT people are typically invited. In our case however, 90% of ppl are OOT so that obviously won't happen! So I am going to invite like my aunt traveling from Germany, our friends from Spain, grandparents from Florida, and our best family friends, just because I want them there :)
And of course BP, immediate family and their guests.

JAAMS Posted: May 29, 2009 01:49 PM

Re: Rehearsal dinner etiquette question

I don't know if we are inviting our OOT guests, since EVERYONE will be an OOT guest. I think it might be a bit much to have a 300 person wedding and a 300 person party the night before. I think maybe we'll see about having the hotel bar open for us or something.

As far as if it's customary, I'm really not sure to be honest. Can you talk to FFIL and see what he thinks?

FutureMrsG Posted: May 29, 2009 01:57 PM

Re: Rehearsal dinner etiquette question

Traditionally the people rehersing and the OOT guests are invited to the RD. We are only inviting the wedding party, readers and their sig. others and a couple of close family friends b/c more than half of our guests are from OOT. My FFIL asked us to try to keep it to 35 people at max $50/person. Maybe you could have FH ask FFIL how much he is planning to spend and take it from there.

runnerbride1023 Posted: May 29, 2009 02:33 PM

Re: Rehearsal dinner etiquette question

Have you spoken to FH about it? Maybe he can speak to his dad and mention the idea that way you do not have to have an awkward conversation about money.

Typically OOT guests are invited to RD.

alli3131 Posted: May 29, 2009 04:22 PM

Re: Rehearsal dinner etiquette question

here is what the knot says for who is invited.....but I really think there is no right or wrong on this one.

At the very least, the guest list includes immediate family (parents and siblings), wedding-party members and any spouses and significant others, and the parents of any child attendants (inviting the children themselves is optional). You should also invite the officiant and his/her spouse to the dinner.
If many out-of-town guests are invited to the wedding, they may also be invited to the rehearsal dinner, especially if there are many who will have already arrived in town for the wedding. If you'd rather have the rehearsal be an intimate affair but don't want to leave other guests hanging, think about having the rehearsal two nights before the wedding day -- on Thursday night for a Saturday wedding -- and then having a welcome party for out-of-towners on Friday night instead.